On the


Mars Man TV: Planet Earth’s Sex Craze

Mars Man

Anchor: “Dear viewers, Mars City and Omaha’s TV are both connected for their joint Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms show, this time on Planet Earth’s sex scandals. The two panels are facing the red light (pun not intended) and yes, it’s blinking, boys you are on.”

Mars Man: “Morning Kathryn and team! Whole Mars is talking about Planet Earth’s sex craze. We with our brass-wired digital bodies here do not understand what the fuzz is all about.”

Kathryn: “Our information age has entered a new phase of taking sex pictures of yourself and wiring them over the internet to lusting friends and an eager constituency. It is particularly popular with male politicians who want to draw attention and attract more voters.”

Mars Man: “Our panel is eager to know why showing private human body parts incites people to vote for you.”

Kathryn: “Polls have shown that male politicians who can show the largest protruding parts can best penetrate the independent voters block, as those voters don’t know what they are voting for anyway. This puts female politicians at a distinct disadvantage. To stem this trend the Republican Congress is preparing the Penis Envy Information Act. It would among others prohibit male offenders from publicizing their lewd pictures at campaign stops and in voting boots.”

Pasha of Mars TV: “Why would female politicians be disadvantaged? Do females on Earth not display themselves in magazines and centerfolds? Can’t they do the same to voters on your Twitter?”

Kathryn: “It so happens that our female politicians would never make the cut for a magazine cover page or let alone a centerfold. The women who usually do, do not become politicians because they have better things to do.”

Pasha: “But Sarah Palin looks good, even in a swim suit, and she’s a politician…”

Bob Foolsman of Omaha TV: “Her problem is that she’s a dumb broad and doesn’t know any better. Democrats are protecting the American population from the imminent danger she poses for our society by hammering on that point.”

Fred Garfinkel of Omaha TV: “Sarah Palin has more sex appeal than any Democrat, including you, and says it straight in your face, that’s what bothers you, isn’t it? You’re afraid of her, that’s why you demagogue her. And what about those broads that fell in bed with your Democrat leaders, from Marilyn Monroe onwards with President Kennedy, to all those women that were exposed with Bill Clinton, willingly or unwillingly, they were clever broads, weren’t they?”

Huda of Mars TV: “Is Pelosi not an attractive female politician? Could she not show herself on Twitter?”





Kathryn: “Pelosi has passed the age of centerfolds at least three times, undergoing annual facelifts on taxpayer funded Medicare. Polls say her centerfold would turn off democrat and independent voters in droves. That’s why it is not surprising she’s rumored to support the Republican penis envy bill.”

Elmer of Mars TV: “We’re wondering here how it’s possible that your papers and TV have been occupied with this news for two weeks in a row. We don’t have that same type of excitement here.”

Fred: “There’s nothing more exciting for journalists and TV pundits than to write about someone else’s public sex scandal, in particular if it’s a Republican, while they are doing the same lascivious thing in obscurity behind their curtains.”

Bob: “Fred’s right, in particular if it’s a Republican. If they only show a torso, his male constituents say their wives and daughters feel deeply ashamed, can’t sleep, call for resignation and they dutifully resign. The male Democrats are smarter. They show their blown-up manhood, then cry about it in front of the cameras, and their female constituents beg for more.”

Tony Blanket of Omaha TV: “No wonder that Pelosi is jealous because she can’t draw the same publicity. If we just knew how much she’s been looking at the protruding pics. That’s probably the reason why she asked for an ethics committee investigation, to see more of it in gloss enlargements.”

Tamil of Mars TV: “But Planet Earth is in severe economic and financial trouble, the USA debts are way beyond the horizon, could reach Mars in stacked-up 1000 dollar bills, your regulators are dooming the economies with unsurpassed and unchecked energy, Europe’s Euro with the PIGS is as much in decay as the yankee dollar, and you are busy for two weeks writing about an extended human penis like you would describe a lengthy limousine on a grammy award?”

Huda adds: “And all that in family-TV time?”

Charles Hammerschmidt of Omaha TV: “Our kids have computers, Ipads and cell-phones, have sex from age eleven, and find all this pretty boring. They have seen it all before.”

Fred: “Well put. Those are exactly the democrat family values.”

Bob: “So what are yours? Schwarzenegger’s?”

Charles: “He had a democrat wife, so he got infected.”

Bob: “And what about your guy that was on the madam list? Isn’t he still in Congress?”

Fred: “An exception to the rule. God and the Pope forgave him, so his electorate did too. And it was in camera, not for everyone to see.”

Bob: “And according to your standards, God and the Pope won’t forgive Weiner?”

Charles: “He exposed himself in public while he accused a phony hacker. Even a homeless person goes to jail for that. Besides, he only believes in Big Government. We don’t. In God and small government we trust.”

Shamus of Mars TV: “We also heard of the President of the International Monetary Fund, Mr. Strauss-Khan. Is it true he was framed by the French Government in that sexual encounter in his New York hotel because he was a socialist contender? Planet Earth’s news was full of it for weeks. Your media really seems to have a fixation on sex.”

Bob: “I’m sure the guy was framed. A 62 year old fellow trying to get it up while struggling with a hotel maid? Are you kidding? Even a double prescription of Viagra won’t do that for you. “

Tony: “For a socialist it might. Besides, it was reported he’d wanted oral sex.”

Huda: “We on Mars are not familiar with this. What’s the difference?”

Tony: “Not much, to be diplomatic. It would still require an inducement of physical performance, which is highly unlikely in the event of a struggling, unwilling and perhaps biting maid. I’m sure the man will be acquitted, if Bill Clinton is any guidance, but it’ll be too late for the French presidential elections and the man had to resign from his plush job at the IMF. So it was a successful coup.”

Pasha: “What do you know of the hotel maid, how was she dressed?”

Fred: “She was from a West-African country, usually rather dark people but their women are often quite attractive with luring brown eyes. Wearing a contrasting white maid dress and a slightly open blouse showing dangling breasts could conceivably ignite the sex drive of any male just walking out of his shower.”

Pasha: “Our men don’t react that way because our procreative instincts are digital and would not ignite if there is no digital response from the female.”

Tony: “That’s the issue. The set up was, of course, that the maid should initially give signals of being open to consensual sex and the IMF man must have thought that he had struck gold, of which his institution has a lot, so he knew how much that was worth. Then, while the monitors were rolling, and he embraced her and got sexually ready, she pretended to struggle as if she was being assaulted. When he released her, surprised, she ran away to the corridor and he went after her to apologize, not knowing it was all a set-up. A typical he-said-she-said case that can be interpreted any way.”

Shamus of Mars TV: “Do your hotels not have strict regulations on how their maids should dress and behave to avoid male advances? After all, in your country everything seems to be regulated in minute detail.”

Charles: “In the USA, feminist movements are rebelling against having to dress just to avoid male advances. They organize slutwalks on Fifth Avenue and Broadway to show off that they have the right to dress the way they want. Other cities on Planet Earth hold similar marches. Hotel labor unions may have to respect those female demands.”

Mars Man: “You see, Kathryn, that the Mars audience has a vivid interest in this subject. We just don’t seem to understand this weird behavior of humans on Planet Earth.”

Kathryn: “Let me correct that slightly, Mars, it concerns mostly our males. However, females do not always realize that they are the weak sex and should avoid dangerous places or walking half naked on the street in the middle of the night.”

Fred: “Weak sex? What about that scorpion female that kills the male after he had his fling with her? Is she not the exact equal of that hotel maid?”

Pasha: “In our digital environment that could never happen. If there is no digital reaction on the female side, she wouldn’t be able to pretend it either, and as a result the male electrons wouldn’t ignite. The assault would simply not take place, unless there is criminal intent. Our communications system is fool-proof.”

Tony: “That’s a great idea for our Federal Communications Commission to regulate. It would dismantle the Weiner cyber attacks and limit his sexual frustrations to his bedroom.”

Kathryn: “But that’s the point, unless there is criminal intent. Assaults are generally attributed to anger and psychotic behavior, not because of sexual desire.”

Charles: “There’s no indication that the IMF fellow was a deranged individual. It’s highly unlikely this could be attributed to criminal intent. Sure, he was reportedly a womanizer, but in France that’s a plus to your political career. That’s why the French got so upset about the puritanical American press and justice system. They say and perhaps correctly, that Americans do everything behind the curtains what they reproach the French to do in the open. We are all hypocrites in their views.”

Huda: “Well, listening to this conversation, I am inclined to think your French humans are right.”

Tony: “You will get a lot of American feminists up in arms with that conclusion.”

Bob: “That’s bull. It’s a good reason why this Weiner guy shouldn’t resign. Clinton didn’t either and see where he is now. Most searched after bedfellow and political powerweight.”

Fred: “Bill Clinton knows how to play a likeable fellow. Feminists cue up to forgive him and fall into his arms, indeed their hypocrisy, but Weiner is a creep.”

Bob: “You say that because he whipped you Republicans handsomely every time you came up with one of your crooked proposals of capitalist supremacy. His constituency agrees, he shouldn’t resign.”

Fred: “There’s little I agree with you on, Bob, but this time I do, he shouldn’t. He may try to whip Republicans again, but they will use him as their whipping boy every time he opens his foul mouth and so they will degrade the Democrats to mere sex bullies and hypocrites when it comes to true American family values and capitalist supremacy. Don’t forget the USA is a center-right country and your socialist and liberal constituency has only 20 percent of the vote and with today’s debacles will even get less.”

Mars Man: “It appears, Kathryn, that politics and sex on Planet Earth remain strongly interlinked. We can’t figure that very well on Mars. I am sure we haven’t heard the last word about this.”

Kathryn: “Surely not. But it gives us something else to talk about here than depressing graphs on the declining economy, increasing unemployment, overregulation, big government versus private sector-led growth, and Al Gore’s miscalculations on climate change. You know, most people that they call independents don’t read papers or watch political TV and go about their lives watching football, soccer, and MTV, and don’t give a hoot about who the next President is and why, as long he’s got a nice smile. The only thing they want is some entertainment from their boring jobs if they have one, and the stressful lives they live.”

Mars Man: “That seems a wise conclusion to today’s session. We’ll keep that in mind for our next one. Our time is up. All the best to you and till soon.”

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