Breaking News: US Military Take Over White House
Mars City TV is suddenly in uproar. Mars Man and his team are watching Mother Earth’s TV signals in astonishment. General Petraeus states on Omaha TV that the US Military have taken over the White House!
Dear Americans: After long deliberations and following increasingly aggravating presidential decision-making, gravely damaging the safety and well-being of the United States of America and its citizens, and after conferring with the US Founding Fathers in Heaven, the Military have found it necessary to depose President Obama and relieve him from his functions, first of all Commander in Chief. The President is currently under house arrest in Hawai and is only allowed to play golf. Air Force One has been repatriated by the Air Force.
To restore the foundation of the United States, the following are the main decisions taken:
- General Petraeus will head a temporary government to maintain critical services. This temporary government will stay in place until an interim president is appointed. This interim president will stay in office until the elections of 2016.
- On national policy, the Secretaries of the State Department, Defense, Justice, Homeland Security, Treasury, Interior, Energy and the EPA have been relieved of their functions. They will be replaced by senior military officers. Only critical personnel will remain in office. General Petraeus will be in charge of Defense and run the temporary government from there. The White House will be closed.
- FBI, The Secret Service and the CIA have aligned themselves with the Military Government and will continue their functions. So will the police.
- Curfew will be in place from Christmas Eve through January 2 from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.
- Protest marches will not be tolerated. Military personnel and police will be patrolling the streets to keep order. Every person disrespecting the order will be arrested and imprisoned for an indefinite time, and be fed only water and bread.
- The mayor of New York and Mr. Al Sharpton have been arrested for disturbing the national order and are placed under house arrest indefinitely. Sharpton will also be forced to pay all his taxes due. Mr. Jesse Jackson has been advised not to show up instead.
- Rudy Giuliani has agreed to replace De Blasio until a new mayor is elected in the future.
- Congress is requested to stay home for the time being as they are not doing anything useful anyway. The Capitol has been put under military control.
- Corporate taxes have been halved. Foreign assets may be repatriated without penalty if reinvested in the United States.
- Obamacare has been put in abeyance pending a critical review of its dysfunctional elements. Previous healthcare insurance policies may be reinstated.
- The IRS has been placed under military control. All officers – either in function or retired – tainted by the IRS scandals have been put under house arrest without pay. All tapes are being released.
- During the curfew period, only NPR will be allowed to be in the air, both radio and TV, and will provide all interim government information but dissenting liberal comments will not be tolerated. In addition, radio will play only Christian music and TV shows will consist of Big Bird and Masterpiece Theater. NPR will show the movie “The Interview” forthwith.
- On foreign policy, the nuclear sites of North Korea and Iran were destroyed overnight. Cuba relations will remain as before and President Obama’s opening to that criminal government has been rescinded.
- Construction of the Keystone Pipeline from Canada will start immediately.
- Russia has been told that all its external finances in the USA have been blocked. Any further invasion of Ukraine will entail immediate military response. Increased US oil production will further derail the ruble. Similarly, no other expansion to free neighboring states formerly under the USSR will be tolerated
- China has been informed not to use this interim situation to expand its hemisphere in the Far East. US warships are in place near the China Sea. Any interference will lead to increasing tariffs and taxes on Chinese goods and all Christmas returns will be sent back to Beijing COD.
- All political correctness will be disbanded. Terrorists are terrorists, Islam will not anymore be called a peaceful religion until the Middle-Eastern nations will rise up and fight their own terrorists and beat them.
- All funding of Palestine has been suspended until it stops terrorism.
- Israel will receive full US support. Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS will be fought with all might.
- Taxes on oil revenues and cigarettes will be earmarked to repay the US foreign debt as of today.
Other information will follow as the interim government actions will unfold.
Mars Man, trying desperately to reach Kathryn in Omaha, to his team at the Mars TV studio: This is unprecedented!
Shamus: I’ve seen it coming. Unavoidable.
Huda: I’ll miss seeing Michelle in her night gown!
Pasha: I can’t stand Big Bird!
Elmer: Go look at war movies by Oliver North on Fox.
Mars Man to Kathryn, after finally having made contact with her: What’s going on?
Kathryn: Apart from NPR, we are the only TV station allowed to operate. Everyone in the USA is in deep shock, but a majority of the people are very happy with the military take-over. The Government of the USA had reached rock-bottom and the country was falling apart.
Mars Man: any news from Mr. Obama?
Kathryn: Insiders tell me he doesn’t seem aware that anything happened as he is stuck at his eighteenth hole.
Mars Man: What happened to North Korea?
Kathryn: As far as we know, the US bombed their nuclear sites to smithereens. Kim is reportedly in tears because he can’t watch porn on the internet anymore. My panel has shrunk to two persons. Bob Demmofool has fled to Mexico and was promptly incarcerated for carrying a loaded gun. If past experience is any guide, we won’t see him back. Charles is here.
Charles: Washington D.C. is like a grave yard. Nobody around. All restaurants are closed. Police has finally a quiet time as protests were banned. The White House is dark. Nobody is interested to jump the fences anymore.
Paul Turnmeon: The sad thing is that the parades have been canceled. No sexy girls will be seen this time.
Kathryn: It’s closing time here now. No 24/7 TV anymore. People must read at least one good book per week. All guns will be banned from kid movies. Donald Duck and Micky Mouse are back again. I think we will return to the good old days of yesterday. Progressive Liberalism has failed completely and brought us to near-complete disaster. We will get back to you when we can in the New Year.
Mars Man: This gives us some rest! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too!
The Criminal Self-in-the-Foot Shooters
In spite of inordinate spatial static, due to North Korean and Chinese Cyberspace warring, Omaha TV was able to line up with Mars City TV, and Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is on air.
Kathryn: Dear viewers, given the overwhelming reactions on this week’s events on Planet Earth, we have an extended panel today for our discussions. Foremost, it seems America is under heavy attack from its own citizens. World-wide many commentators are joining the fray. Let me start with Mars. Can you see and hear us right?
Mars Man: We can see everything thanks to your infallible Transport Authority Exray see-through machine we have installed at our Mars Orbit.
Kathryn: Great, but please don’t leak copies on the Internet. What are your views on the already infamous CIA report released by the Democratic party?
Mars Man: America seems in a free fall. What’s happening to what they once called the greatest country on Planet Earth? In 2001, everyone was up in arms about the heinous attack on the Trade Center Towers; close to 3000 people lost their lives in the most cruel circumstances and the economy was blown apart for years. Leaders said we will get them alive or death. Everyone agreed on the CIA to do its heroic work. Only because they checked into that Feinstein senator’s computer when she was apparently preparing false information, and revengeful because they lost the mid-term elections so badly, was this one-sided report released. Shooting yourself in the foot at the cost of national security is a criminal act on Mars.
Kathryn: There is a growing backlash here on the report and the ominous timing of its publication, notably at the same time that the congressional hearing with that professor Gruber about his involvement in Obamacare was scheduled. Just trying to remove it from the evening news. Is this opinion shared on Mars?
Shamus Econometricus: Fully. The Democrat President did not do anything to stop its publication and showed again his prevalence for stating endlessly that it was all Bush’s fault. At the same time he blew a huge hole in his country’s credibility. Even on Mars we are losing it. As Mars Man said, under the Mars Constitution, this is a criminal act and we would put that type of politicians in permanent solitary confinement in our jail on the Moon, with only broccoli and raw carrots as daily sustenance, and left overs from the International Space Station.
Huda Seksibombah: I wish that that lady Feinstein had worn some more appropriate clothes than that grandma outfit for the occasion of her incomprehensible speech. Funeral attire would definitely have been more becoming.
Kathryn: I’d think so too. I see Elmer is back on the Mars TV panel. How are you? What do you think of all this?
Elmer: America was the last standing tree on Mother Earth. All others have lost their leaves or are growing old and tired and losing limbs, and those religious fanatics from the Middle Ages keep cutting them down. My professor in economics said, invite a group of sheep to mow your lawn and before you know it, it’s a desert what’s left. American liberals are the same. They seem to think they don’t deserve American good life and are out to destroy it so they become like the desert to get a level playing field. As we can see from Mars, the Nevada desert has steadily grown and is already occupying a good deal of Southern California. The President and his party are guilty of climate change.
Kathryn: That sounds clear enough, but what does that to the report? Bob Demmofool, I’m sure you have an opinion?
Bob: Through all the years we have known that the CIA was a subversive agency. The “Ugly American” was born in that joint. The report only confirms what we already knew.
Kathryn: But don’t you feel happy that they caught Osama, and that the other terrorists are behind bars?
Bob: They could’ve found them with electronics, or send a drone in to finish them off.
Fred Miserable: What electronics? How would you find them, with your I-phone? Democrat liberals are also complaining about NASA’s phone-tapping. What do you guys really want? Friendship with your enemy and drinking sweet tea? Isn’t that what cowards do because they are afraid to fight for their existence?
Bob: America is supposed to be a good country, an exceptional country, and we are not supposed to respond with evil but with the dove of peace. Your senator McCain said the same thing and he’s from the Old Hanoi Hotel in Vietnam where he suffered from the cruelty that we’re not supposed to commit. Feinstein was right to bring that into the open.
Charles Hammerschmidt: This Administration pretends that America is NOT exceptional, so how do you want it to be exceptional by bowing to its enemies? Isn’t that the pinnacle of hypocrisy? It’s the same thing as with that CIA Report, criminal self-in-the-foot shooters.
Mars Man: Here on Mars we don’t like traitors, even if they think they are doing good. Your liberals are misguided, to use an euphemism. The enemies of Europe and America don’t know what a dove of peace looks like. They laugh at you. Before you know it, you’ll wear a scarf around your head and bow five times to Mecca in one day, and have to do hard labor on a date farm.
Bob: But I could finally have more than one wife!
Paul Turnmeon: That’s where I see a possible Democrat and Republican compromise!
Kathryn: Don’t hold your breath. You’d have additional mothers-in-law, too. Could we get back to the other subject of today, that is the colossal arrogance of that professor Gruber on Obamacare? The American electorate is stupid, so just pretend you are doing it right while you are doing it wrong, in the name of non-transparency of the all-time transparent Administration. That was the apparent mantra. Any views on this?
Bob: If I may, Kathryn, it’s incorrect to interpret this as the policy behind Obamacare. The professor was only blabbing his mouth but nobody in the Democratic Party or the White House paid any attention to this, as Madame Pelosi and the President confirmed.
Fred: Come on Bob, use your senses. You really believe these people? We have to vote for it so that we know what’s in it? 2,700 pages of gobbledygook? Who can read that, let alone understand it? You can keep your doctor, your plan, and pay two thousand five hundred dollars less premium, and none of that proved true? What Gruber said is that they shouldn’t be transparent because if they were that bill would never pass. The stupid voter wouldn’t understand they were being had. Why do you guys think you lost the elections?
Bob: 47 million uninsured people will have access to health insurance. Beat that!
Charles: You must have lost your wisdom tooth, Bob. So far they haven’t insured even 7 million people what the President said they had achieved, and that figure was bloated when they had to admit that it included 400,000 dental plans. And no good analyst has ever been able to figure how they arrived at 47 million uninsured. That was based on soap bubbles, too. This Administration was built on lies from the election campaign on, and it has never stopped lying. And then they claim that the President was misinformed. That Gruber professor visited the White House more than twenty times and met with the President in the same room. Maybe he wasn’t listening like he said he did when he sat in the amen corner praying with Reverend Jeremiah Wright?
Paul Turnmeon: And if you say anything about that you’re a racist!
Kathryn: As our viewers on Mars may notice, there isn’t much that we can agree on in America.
Shamus: But your Supreme Court said the law was constitutional. Why can’t Americans just leave it alone?
Huda: Telling nuns that they must pay for contraceptives cannot be constitutional, not even on Mars. Especially as nuns don’t do it.
Elmer: As I see it, that Justice Roberts was right in calling it a tax, but I heard that professor Gruber didn’t want to call it a tax because then it wouldn’t pass. He called it a penalty. So, if that Justice Roberts knew it was a scheme, why did he call it constitutional? Lying in America cannot be constitutional, can it?
Fred: Right on, Elmer, if it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it is a duck.
Mars Man: Maybe you should give Obamacare a different name? Wackocare might do?
Kathryn: We’ll submit that to the White House. All right, dear viewers, I don’t think we got anywhere, and we will surely come back to these issues in our next sessions. Have a good one!
Missed Chances in Love
Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms show is on. Kathryn welcomes the viewers and her panel with her engaging smile.
“Good evening or whatever time you are on. You may remember our June 12, 2011 show when we dealt with Planet Earth’s sex craze because certain politicians had shown themselves on social media, “selfies” as they call them. Well, many viewers asked me recently if we would devote a show to our panel’s love life. Naturally, I was a little hesitant, but my producer and I thought that “missed chances in love” might be a suitable subject for discussion. Let me start with Mars Man first. Anything you missed out on?
Mars Man: Dear Kathryn, as you will understand, it is a bit embarrassing to open up on this matter on Mother Earth, as you are my dear spouse here. But all right, to satisfy the viewers’ curiosity, I pointed out at the time that we have different bodies on Mars. They can be most appropriately compared to those Vesicare Leaky Pipe people you see on TV with respect to bladder issues. On Mars, we communicate differently between the sexes than you do here. We do so with electrodes. If the electrode comes back positive, you have a mate. If not, you get a shockwave so that you won’t try again. Now to your question, what happens if you get a positive and something goes wrong? My most disappointing moment was when as a young lad my electrodes accidentally shot up too high and my love melted. I had to take her in a bucket to the hospital to get her rewired. Of course, after that, she never took me on again.
Kathryn: I’m sure you were very careful the next time your tried. Bob Demmofool, you want to volunteer?
Bob: Oh my, so many sad stories! I don’t know where to begin. I will not talk about those times I went into the act and halfway heard she was Republican. Nothing more than that gives me instant ED. Once I fell in love with a girl in high school and on a hot day we went swimming in the river, and standing half under water, well, you know, we got a little bit too close because nobody could see what we were doing. Our passion overwhelmed us and we lay down on the river bank. There was nobody around, just the blue sky and meadows. Just when we were starting to make love, we heard this snorting sound and felt a huge nose sniffing at our heads and breathing down our necks, and it was a cow looking down at us. She shrieked, flew up and ran away, scared, and I had to take her home. It never happened.
Kathryn: Too bad. Paul? I’m sure you got a few…
Paul Turnmeon: I had this lovely girl in the neighborhood. I’d always wanted her and she wanted me too, she said. So, one warm summer evening we went in my car to the nearby hills to admire this beautiful panorama with the town below. I parked the car and put it on the brake and we lay down on the backseat and started kissing. I don’t know what happened, maybe the car shook a little, but suddenly the back slid down the hill into a ditch with a hard thud. She screamed and cried when I fell on her, not in the natural way of course, and said she’d hurt her back. It proved very hard to get out of the car and we had to walk three miles to get help. She never wanted to drive with me again. I guess it’s Fred’s turn now.
Kathryn: Okay, Fred, let’s hear it.
Fred Miserable: Contrary to Bob, I liked democratic girls, actually, they’re so liberal. Anyway, my most frustrating case ever happened after an office party when a sexy staff assistant finally agreed to come with me and we started kissing in the hall, and she said, high pitched, “Oh, Fred, if I don’t stop now, I won’t stop ever,” and she ran away to a dark area in the building. I stood there, perplexed, and went looking for her but she was nowhere to be found. Deeply disappointed I went home alone. I thought she’d fled to her husband. Then the next day she came to see me in the office and said: “Well, you really left me in shambles last night. Why didn’t you come after me?” And we never got together again.
Kathryn: How sad! Huda, would you dare to tell us your story?”
Huda Seksibombah: Well, I’m not in the category of Mars Man’s melting pot. But yes, love on Mars can be very disconcerting. I had this boy who sent me a signal for a positive beam, and I liked him, so I sent him a positive. We don’t make love the way you do on Earth. We get high when our electrodes meet and warm up until they begin to sparkle and the sparkling ends with an explosive plouffff! At night you can see many windows lighting up with plouffs. The art is to keep the plouff going as long as you can. So my electrodes were warming up and I was yearning to get my plouff and then his electrodes corroded because he had forgotten to load them up. Was I mad. He never got a positive again.
Kathryn: most interesting love life on Mars. Charles, what about you? You haven’t been on the show for a while.
Charles Hammerschmidt: Away on assignment, Kathryn. The Grammies and other serious business. I remember at high school that a girlfriend and I had decided to lose our virginity. There was a game going on that if you did it within one week, you had to come forward with the girl you had lost it with to prove it, and if you didn’t, you had to pay for a round of beer. We sneaked to a motel after dinner but when we were in bed at the point of losing it, my stomach got upset from what I ate and I had to fly to the window and hang out for fifteen minutes throwing up. We lost the game and she never went for dinner with me again.
Kathryn: Oh, good heavens. What a downer!
Mars Man: May we hear one of yours, Kathryn?
Kathryn: Time is up, dear viewers, till next time!