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ENCHANTÉ – AUNTIE PILLOWSKI’S REMOTE VISIT WITH THE FRIENDS

Auntie Pillowski talks to the Friends at the virtual Hullahoo Bar. The Friends now communicate via Skype, drinking home-delivered beer, as Jason, the bartender has set up a carry-out and delivery service.  The Friends asked Auntie Pillowski to come online to clarify pending corona questions and surprisingly, Auntie Pillowski accepted. The Friends arranged to talk by “tour de role,” talking by turn as agreed. As is custom, moderator Frank starts.

Frank: “Dear Auntie, this is Frank. We are so pleased that you take part in our drinks. We regret we can’t send you a beer online, but we know you have lots of your own brand within reach. One burning question: Why did you fly in a hurry from San Francisco to Washington to block the CARES bill?”

Auntie Pillowski: “The Senate bill was for the rich. The House has a better use for the people’s money. Democrats are for the poor unemployed worker, not for the wealthy CEOs.”

Frank: “But Auntie, the troubled small businesses and unemployed had to wait a long week for you to approve the Senate bill because you wanted to add money for the Kennedy Center. Do you ever go there?”

Auntie: “I work day and night for the American People. When I have time I put on a CD. We added critical improvements to the Bill.”

Melissa: “Auntie, this is Melissa, a true supporter of your party. You look so beautiful and your hair is so wonderful. How do you do that? My hairdresser is closed and my hair feels like a mop as you can see.”

Auntie: “Bernie Sanders proposes a Free Haircare Solution run by the Government and Joe Biden will follow suit. If you vote Democratic, you only have to push a button on your computer and a hairdresser paid for by the government will be at your doorstep in no time to make you beautiful again.”

Maria: “This is Maria, Auntie, an independent leaning Democrat. If re-elected, would you also vote for Bernie’s Free Gas Bill?”

Auntie: ” In The Green New Deal farmers must collect gas from all cows through tubes that will be fed into the distribution system for free, so soon you will have free government gas. Uncooperative farmers will pay a penalty tax under the Pillowski Gas Care Act that will supplement your gas bill.”

Cindy: “This is Cindy, Auntie. I am an independent leaning Republican. Why do the Democrats always obstruct sensible proposals by the Party in power?”

Auntie: “The power is with the American People and the Democratic Party has the popular vote. That means that our party has the power in the House, not the Republican Party, and surely not its dysfunctional president who in collusion with Russia stole Hillary’s votes. We know better.”

Cindy: “But Auntie, did the Mueller Report not say there was no collusion?”

Auntie: “The President was impeached, wasn’t he? Impeached forever.”

Fred: “This is Fred. I am a staunch Republican and MAGA man and take auntiedepressants after I listen to your speeches. Why are you always harping on Trump? So far you’ve lost all your cases against him and wasted millions of our painfully earned tax dollars for nops.”

Auntie: “Mr. Fred, don’t mess with me. Mute me next time and take another beer. I and  my colleagues do the same when Trump does his rants. I represent half of America. That half believes the president is against gun control, against the Dreamers, against everything the Democrats stand for. Your half is un-American. We are for the Constitution, and President Trump is unconstitutional.”

Tom: “This is Tom, I’m like Fred. You and your Democrat Party are so adversarial. If you are so American, why can’t you guys simply agree to a rational extension of the Paycheck Protection Program, the PPP, as proposed? Why do you need to keep it hostage by adding stuff that won’t help the unemployed but only satisfies the exuberance of your auntiequated base?”

Auntie: “If the Republicans spend our tax dollars, we want to make sure that they’re spent for things we stand for. Spending is a bicameral process, though soon we will have the majority in both. You’ll see. That’ll make things easier.”

Ted: “This is Ted, I am a Libertarian. Not a Liberal. I’m a bread-and-butter fiscal conservative and appalled by the loss of wealth due to COVID-19 and the money needed to keep us afloat. The Democrats always add waste to the spending bill. Obama doubled the national debt. Our grandkids will pay the brunt. Would  you do that with your own money?”

Auntie: “My husband takes care of our money, you’ll have to ask him. As a Democrat in the House, I spend the people’s money. If we run out, we just print more. My husband can’t do that. That’s why I like my job better.”

Caithlyn: “Auntie, this is Caithlyn. I’m the last one in the line. I am an independent too but a rational one. I vote for rational politicians and not irrational ones. In my view you’re irrational. You say you want proper oversight but all you do is undermining the administration with useless investigations. For rational people, this is an utter waste of time and money.  Now again you want to start a probe into what the President knew and when on corona, while you and your consorts were impeaching him when it was starting, and calling him a racist and xenophobe when he shut off planes coming from China to stop COVID from getting worse.”

Auntie: “The American People should know what was done wrong and who is accountable. The president was fiddling – like Nero when Rome was burning – while people were dying.”

Frank: “Auntie, that’s so wrong and you know it. It sounds like another groundless witch hunt bound to fail. Are you still praying for the president during Easter?”

?????

Auntie’s screen went blank.

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ENCHANTÉ – MR. CORONA AT THE FRIENDS

The Friends are gathered at the Hullahoo Bar for drinks, having beer or sodas while lifting their masks. They are all sitting at one side of the counter opposite to visiting Mr. Corona, a wormlike figure with a party hat on, who sits alone, looking defiant. He is speaking Chinese through a Made in China Google Translate device.

Frank: “Mr. Corona, why you are intent on making us all sick? You know we don’t have a vaccine yet to fight you.”

Corona:  First off, I and my coworker viruses want to keep you, humans, on your toes. You people get too complacent living your luxury life. What better time to shake you up than in an election year?”

Maria: “But soon they’ll be closing the school where I’m teaching and then I lose my job. I won’t ever have a chance to pay off my gas bill. I’ll be sitting in the cold and get the virus.”

Melissa: “And my favorite senator Bernie won’t get a debate audience to preach his Chinese social democracy.”

Corona: “Miss Maria, don’t you worry. Spring is coming. If they shut off your gas you’ll soon be warm enough.  Anyway, I’ll be going on Spring Break to give you guys a break.”

Tom: “But they don’t want you in Cancun, Mr. Corona.”

Corona: “The young don’t bother with me, they sneeze me off. And Miss Melissa, the young don’t need Bernie’s debate to be revolutionary. They are in their habitual sturm und drang period, you know, being permanently stressed out.”

Fred: “Who made you and who sent you here?”

Corona: “‘Made in China.’ Like printed on the Amazon, Walmart or Home Depot boxes you get at the shop. China sent me here in revenge for the anti-China U.S. tariff policies and property theft measures, but something happened along the way.”

Ted: “Say it, what happened?”

Corona: “They didn’t package me and my comrades well enough. Some of them fell out in Wuhan and infested a chicken market. That’s how it all started.”

Cindy: “That’s like playing with Chinese gun powder at a Chinese fireworks factory. Now we have this worldwide mess.”

Corona: “China was left with no choice but to disrupt the world in the face of the American assault on its economy.”

Cindy: “China already assaulted the world with the bird flue in 1997. The SARS flue, also a coronavirus, in 2003, and now again with you, a new flue version. Aren’t you feeling guilty about deaths in China and the world?”

Corona: China will barely notice the unintended consequences of the escape of my comrades in Wuhan. It has 1.5 billion people. A few thousands gone is a drop on a hot plate. Our Corona team has more impact in other places, such as Europe and here. That’s our goal. Submit Europe and the USA.  China will win this battle and leave you breathless.”

Caithlyn: “But your panic destroys everybody’s livelihood, so China will suffer too.”

Corona: “For centuries we have lived in abject poverty, and we survived many population crises, thanks to the Chinese Communist Party. We will survive this one too, but the West, and in particular the U.S. won’t. Already you’re crumbling in your political cabal. Democracies are suicidal.”

Melissa: “The good thing is that Trump can’t have his MAGA rallies anymore. Biden won’t need a rally to make gaffes, so Bernie will win.”

Frank: “How will people go to the voting booths in November? They must postpone the elections.”

Tom: “So what are your plans, Mr. Corona, after you come back from spring break?”

Corona: “I come back in the fall with new vigor in a mutated shape, immune to your vaccine whenever you get one. Meanwhile, my teammates will continue to roam around, upsetting everybody. We love panics, like your democrats and your hysterical media. Your flue shots won’t affect us viruses.”

Cindy: “But China needs our market to make a living. You are a two-edged sword, Mr. Corona. You in China should have been more careful of what you wished for.”

Corona: “Thanks to your technology transfers, willingly or unwillingly, China, as a nation of 1.5 billion, is self-sufficient now. We don’t need your stuff anymore and can live happily without you, making it ourselves. We are the number one producer of anti-biotics and make all your medicines. We will survive, you won’t.”

Frank: “By the way, Mr. Corona, shouldn’t you be wearing a mask?”

At this moment, Jason, the bartender, enters holding a Lysol spray can in a shooting position, but Mr. Corona was gone already, leaving the Friends speechless, sucking their beer-stained masks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ENCHANTÉ – MARS MAN AT THE FRIENDS

The Swamp                                                       Mars Man

Mars Man is invited by the FRIENDS at the Hullahoo Bar to discuss America and The Swamp.

Frank: “Welcome Mars. Great you could join our Hullahoo drinks. It’s good to hear your first name is where you come from and your family name means humankind. Interesting!  Have a beer! I understand you drink the same stuff we do when you are in your earthly frame.”

Mars: “Yes, I do. Thanks for inviting me. Mars Man is my local ID. Katherine, my earthly wife from Nebraska, carries the same last name, and so do our two mixed-race boys who live here.”

Frank: “Exciting! Mars, all our friends here tonight are dying to have your views of current America. It has been an upsetting period for us all. How do you guys on Mars look at it?”

Mars Man: “As you know, Mars is a few light years ahead of Mother Earth so we do not connect all that well with your squabbles. They’re sort of Medieval to us, in your terms. Katherine and I consider your current state of affairs in dire straits, politically speaking. An oncoming trainwreck. An ominous debacle, like a meteor hitting you to smithereens, unless you cut the crap, using your language.”

Melissa: “Mars, how did you get here, are you an illegal Alien?”

Mars: “No Miss, I carry a green card. Katherine who you may know from Omaha TV owns a cornfield near Omaha, where I land with Mars Scooter One, but there is no border post.”

Mary: “How did you meet Katherine?”

Mars: “In the cornfield where I land. When I stepped out of Mars Scooter One, she was there, picking corn for dinner. As I changed into my human costume it was love at first sight.”

Mary: “Oh! That’s a wonderful love story!”

Frank: “So Mars, what crap do we have to cut?”

Mars: “To begin with, stop shooting yourself in the foot all the time. As soon as the U.S. elects its president, you start doing everything possible to make it impossible for that president to govern.”

Melissa: “And whose fault is that?”

Mars: “Your Swamp’s.”

Mary: “Forgive me, Mars, but can you help me with my gas bill?”

Fred: “Come on, Mary, ask your boyfriend or get the gas from the Swamp. You can smell it miles away. It’s gassing whole D.C. How do you define our Swamp, Mars?”

Mars: “Those who mind the store in the U.S. and want to stay in power, whether Democrats or NTs.”

Tom: “NTs?

Mars: “Never Trumpers.  One is from Utah.”

Cindy: Will we ever get rid of the Swamp?”

Mars: “No. The Swamp has become a fixed part of the American scene. It’s there to stay. They are those who live behind your steep fences, thick oak doors, in luxury highrises, fashionable quarters of D.C., New York, L.A., and San Francisco.”

Melissa: “What do people on Mars think of our politics?”

Mars: “We don’t like that your politicians want to invade Mars. When you do, we’ll have a Made in China Virus waiting for you free of charge.”

Ted: “You wouldn’t welcome us? We just paid you a beer.”

Mars: “If you find a Martian wife, she may manage to sneak you in. But we have different bodies and use electrodes for sex, so to make one pregnant may not be easy for you.”

Caithlyn: “So what’s the trainwreck, Mars?”

Mars: “Bernie Sanders will be elected President because he gives everybody a free lunch, and when the money is up, you guys have to pay all that back and live on a basic salary that won’t be enough to have a beer.”

Melissa: “That just seems fine to me. I like socialism. Everybody in the same boat, no jealousy of the Jones’s. Why is that a trainwreck?”

Mars: Because everybody will be miserable, except those in power, and everyone who protests against the government will be imprisoned in gulags or retraining camps.”

Caithlyn: “But that is Marxist. Communist. Americans are not like that.”

Mars: “Bernie is, and many voting Americans think he’s the greatest mind who’s ever set foot on Earth.”

Frank: “A horrible prediction, Mars. How can you be so sure?”

Mars: “It’s been written on the wall. Bloomberg will be Bernie’s vassal because he couldn’t get elected. In compensation, Bloomberg will combine and lead State, Treasury, and Defense all together, like his company, and join hands with China where he got all his money. No trade wars anymore, and China will take over your market with Bloomberg owning a main share. This way they will outmaneuver Russia, Bernie’s former buddies. Bernie wouldn’t need money for Tomahawks anymore, and can spend it all on free university and Medicare for All.”

Frank: “Why would Bernie do that? He went to Moscow on honeymoon.”

Mars: “Putin double-crossed him with a cyber attack on his FeelTheBern. com site after Bernie scolded Putin for meddling in the US elections to support Hillary and accused Putin of over the top militarism.”

Tom: “And what happens to us?”

Mars: “You’ll all be equal, eat kale, cauliflower, spinach, or some stale Chinese carry-outs, drink no beer and only small sodas. Cable news is gone as all news will be democrat state news, which is not much different from today. All former anchors and TV prima donnas will be sent to retraining camps and their overpaid salaries confiscated to pay for the student debt.”

Mary: “But what would you do with Katherine and the boys?”

Mars: “We have an undisclosed location in the Caribbean where only I can land. Katherine and the boys will be self-sufficient there, even if Mother Earth goes to pot.”

Jason enters with a platter of new beers. “Hi everyone, this is offered for free by Bernie Sanders. But you must vote for him. Any takers?”

Melissa: “I’ll have one, thanks.”

Mary: “Me too, I take anything that’s free.”

Jason: “But you must sign your name on this ballot. Any more?”

Silence.

Frank: “We’ll pay for them, Jason, as long as we can.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ENCHANTÉ – THE FRIENDS ON POLITICS

The Friends are back from winter sport, year-end festivities, dinners by candlelight, romance and family gatherings at the Christmas tree and the fireplace. All are in a good mood to face the challenges of 2020. Of course, like everybody else, they are bewildered about how wildly Congress spends their tax dollars on wasteful politics.

Frank: “Let’s do a game. I name a person or a subject, and each of you typifies it. Here we go: “Impeachment.” Melissa, you first.”

Melissa: “Protection of the Constitution. Nobody is above the law.”

Frank: “Any nobody in particular?”

Melissa: “Trump, of course.”

Cindy: “What did he do above the law?”

Melissa: “Omit asking Congress permission to talk to Zelensky and when he did anyway he undermined Biden’s credibility for his political benefit.”

Frank: “Mary, is that ‘above the law’?”

Mary: “I don’t give a hoot. I don’t like people listening in to my telephone calls in the first place to tell the world what I said, blame me for something, and then take me to court. To me, that’s above the law.”

Caitlyn: “I agree. Congress has been trying to impeach for three years, and set up a spy ring in the White House, doing everything to find something they could finally impeach Trump for. That’s political spying on the White House and that’s above the law.”

Frank: Next one, whistleblower? Mary?”

Mary: “A windbag! A traitor. He won’t pay my gas bill with his tricks. This guy was a dirty CIA spy. Trump now knows he can’t trust anybody working with him. How is he going to talk to any world leader now?”

Fred: “What’s a whistleblower? Someone who blows up something. He did but for what good.”

Melissa: “He brought abuse of power to light, Fred.”

Fred: “Abuse? If somebody in your office secretly worked to undermine your career, wouldn’t you request your personnel officer to dig into that? I would!”

Melissa: “In Trump’s case, that’s election fraud.”

Caitlyn: “What about the Democrat senators who contributed to Burisma gas? And the Obama administration supporting Ukrainian gas and blocking ours?”

Frank: “Good point, Caitlyn. Next one: ‘Shifty Shiff’. Ted, you haven’t said anything so far. Go!”

Ted: ” ‘Slimy Schiff’. Ever seen such a face? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, wonderful couple, with Schumer as their godfather granddad. LA has become a swamp.”

Melissa: “Wrong. I was there last week. Everybody lives happily together, rich and poor, rags to riches.”

Jason enters with a plate full of beer. “I heard that, Melissa. What about the poop on your doorstep?”

Frank: “Okay, next one: ‘The Impeachment Process.’ Cindy, you’re a lawyer, what’s your take?”

Cindy: “A Ramshackle. These so-called House prosecutors would be laughed out of my courtroom. The requirements are ‘treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.’ They couldn’t come up with any arguments to support these crimes. So they made up their own. So it’s doomed to fail.”

Ted: “Ukraine is a murky country, least developed, one of the worst corruption cases on the Richter scale. When it seceded from the USSR at its collapse, it did not get rid of the stereotype Russian corruption.”

Caitlyn: “Still, Obama gave them soft military aid. Why wouldn’t we make sure that our tax dollars are going to be used efficiently and for the purpose intended, in particular, if you give them more money with lethal aid?”

Frank: “Right. And what had those Bidens to do with all that tax money? They were in the midst of the corruption business, as Biden eminently displayed on TV.  If there was any quid pro quo it’s that one.”

Ted: “The Democrat party has lowered the bar for impeachment to a political football. What will happen if Biden gets elected?”

Cindy: “Obvious. The Republicans will impeach him for Quid Pro Quo on day one.”

Frank: “There you go. So, what about Rudy Juliani? Melissa?”

Melissa: “An Ukrainian crook. Bolton called him an unpinned hand grenade ready to explode.”

Caitlyn: “Juliani’s statements on TV sound like a Vince Flynn novel. There’s a lot more dirt on the Ukrainian side than we ever want to know.”

Frank: “Does anyone want a presidential candidate who contributed our hard-earned tax dollars to Ukrainian crooks? Scream “yes” or “no”.

All friends, even Melissa, scream “No!”

(Confidential information: Melissa votes for Bernie Sanders…)

Frank: “Last question: Nicknames for Democrat candidates. We already have Pocahontes for Warner, Sleepy Joe for Biden, The Nutty Professor for Sanders, what about Buttiegek?  Caitlyn?”

Caitlyn: “Bootiecrack? Bootiequack?”

Frank: “Vote for Bootiecrack? Say aye.”

A few say “Aye.”

Frank: “Vote for Bootiequack?”

An overwhelming “Aye.”  The Friends hoist their glasses.

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ENCHANTÉ – CHRISTMAS WITH THE FRIENDS

The Friends are gathered in the Hullahoo Bar for their Christmas drinks despite last week’s acrimonious debate. The bar is festive, decorated with a brilliant Christmas tree, bells along the walls, and joyful Christmas carols playing in the background.

Let’s listen in.

Melissa: “Sure I am frustrated! Pelosi should have sent the impeachment to the Senate! But she may be smarter than Coalminer McConnell.”

Frank: “I told you the whole thing was a prank to drug her left-wing.”

Mary: “You mean she’s not going to pass it on after all the fireworks?”

Frank: “She doesn’t need to. Critics on TV say she’s making herself more and more ridiculous, but I think she’s foxier than you think: Her majority, even though diminished, got what they wanted all along, they got Trump “impeached”, quote-unquote. So they went home to jubilate and overdose at the Democrat Christmas tree.”

Mary: “She just ditches it? But that’s making havoc of the impeachment process!”

Cindy: “I agree with you but also with Frank. Pelosi knows the art of double-crossing. She satisfied her left, gave Trump a black eye, and moves on with the business of signing on to the Trade Deal and the budget, as if nothing happened, to give manna to her more moderate followers in the swing states.”

Ted: “But that leaves the Senate waiting for nops!”

Tom: “Waiting for Godot, you mean.”

Caitlyn: “She calculates that by the next November elections nobody remembers all the fuss.”

Cindy: “She keeps it as a harbinger and she’ll use it each time when she needs it to annoy Trump.”

Fred: “But that’s hyper Machiavellic! Utter hypocrisy!”

Caitlyn: “Hypocrisy and politics are synonymous, Fred.”

Melissa: “Times should have named Pelosi the Woman of the Year. She managed to schmooze her left and right at the same time, and walk away unscathed.”

Fred: “But what happens next? She’s keeping a sword of Damocles hanging over everyone!”

Melissa: “Only over Trump and the Republican Party. I bet she’ll keep the house and remain Speaker, when a Democratic President is elected.”

Mary: “And a Democratic Senate, so that I get my free rent. And then she can convict Trump and remove him from office with her Senate majority if he gets re-elected.”

Jason, bringing in new beers, turns around: “Don’t keep dreaming, Mary, my job offer is still open! Join and you can pay your rent!”

Tom: “Who would otherwise pay your rent, Mary? Me, the poor taxpayer?”

Mary: “I’ll vote for Bloomberg. He’s got money enough and will pay. He got me a free soda last time!”

Jason, going back to tap more beer: “You can’t live on soda’s alone, Mary!”

Caitlyn: “The Dems won’t nominate another billionaire. Besides, Bloomberg has no charisma. Trump would make marshmallow soup of him.”

Melissa: “For once I agree with you. Biden is a far better fighter.”

Fred: “Ha, ha! Biden said he would beat Trump in the back alley of a prom! He can only bite his wife’s fingers. Give me a break.”

Frank: “And what would Biden do to Trump in the debates, Melissa?”

Caitlyn: “Let me answer that. He’d choose truth over facts, look for smart, abolish chest-thumping on Twitter, and share America’s lunch with China.”

Tom: “And put Hunter back on the Burisma board.”

Mary: “And pay for my gas bill! Shut down fracking and import all we need from Ukraine.”

Jason comes by with a tray full of drinks, and says: “There’s somebody in the back again who pays for all this!”

The friends turn their heads. It’s President Trump this time, smiling broadly.

President Trump: “Hey guys! You see! I am not impeached!”

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