The Hullahoo Bar is noisy with THE FRIENDS arguing loudly about America’s hugging frenzy.
“I hear one woman got pregnant from a Biden hug,” alleges Frank.
“Impossible,” counters Melissa. “She hadn’t washed her hair.”
“Why can’t we hug anymore?” Ted wonders. “All that’s left in today’s sex craze is hugging your pillow.”
“Ridiculous,” cries Fred. “When I went to my first prom, we hugged. At my second prom, we kissed. At my third, we did it in my car. At my fourth, we had a baby and still love each other.”
“Romance is out the door,” Cindy complains. “I feel it in the office. The guys look at me as if I’m enemy number one.”
“Can you imagine,” says Tom. “I like a girl in the office and what do I do not to get fired? How about saying, ‘Hey, I’m sentimental about you. May I please give you a hug?'”
“You might try having a coffee with her in the cafeteria and, while she is sipping her latte, text her the question first,” Céline suggests.
“What if she leaks my text to my boss, saying I sexually harassed her?” Tom asks.
“Tell him the Biden doctrine,” Céline advises. “It was never your intention to hug her sexually, only to empower her.”
“Empowering her for what?” Cindy scoffs. “A pretext for impregnating her?”
“See, that’s exactly what this Me Too movement is all about,” Frank says. “They weaponize the natural drive of human love to stop procreation.”
“How would the world survive with only Me Too women left on earth?” Ted asks, raising his arms in desperation.
“Easy,” Melissa says. “There are enough plentiful sperm banks to make babies. Me Too’s favored vibrator and babylube make up for the fun.”
“And what would the male babies do?” enquires Fred.
“Do like the priests,” Melissa says. “Celibacy and feed the sperm banks. Use sex dolls. What do you think they’re doing now?”
“That’s preposterous,” yells Frank. “Worse than Orwellian!”
“It would solve today’s sex craze,” Cindy agrees. “No more Biden or Trump jokes. No more Weinstein predators. And Kamala Harris wants to make prostitution legal.”
“Do you think that’s where the US is going?” Tom asks.
“That’s where the world is going,” Cindy says, prophesizing.
Nobody feels like finishing their drinks anymore.
“What if we go back to ‘Love makes the world go round,’ Cindy?” suggests Frank after the depressing silence.
Mary laughs. “Without love, the birdies would not sing this spring.”
“Damn Me Too!” Ted hollers, hammering on the counter. “Love cannot be killed or swept aside.”
“‘Cause we hear in our heartbeat a beautiful sound,'” follows Mary, her eyes lighting up.
“Cheers to love, Mary!” Frank shouts, raising his glass, and everybody does.
(with due credit to Deon Jackson and Jennifer Lopez).
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Mars Man is back at Lu Kung Si’s office in the Empire State Building for an interview with the Governor of China’s Province America. Mars visits Lu on behalf of Mars City TV which is interested in hearing Lu’s views about China’s Plans to invade Mars to make it a Chinese Province as well. The interview is relayed through Omaha TV with charming anchor Kathryn. Lu speaks first.
“You know, Mars, that Planet Earth’s Napoleon in his days already said that China was a sleeping giant and that Planet Earth should worry when it awoke. You see what happened to what was previously called the USA. You ask what China’s Plans are for Mars? Tell your audience they would never have it any better: daily access to Peking Duck and Chinese food, the main staple of America’s carry outs, even long before it became a Chinese province.”
“May I remind you Lu that Mars people have different bodies than you have. We live underground, have worm farms, plant farms, eat olms, salamanders, and wild bats, a delicacy as good as Peking Duck. We do not keep messy flee-infested poultry. Chinese could not live on Mars.”
“China would build structures above ground, Mars, acclimatized to Planet Earth conditions, bringing in our own food and drinks.”
“Unlike Planet Earth, we manage our climate and would make sure that storms, heat and cold would wipe you off our surface. My wife Kathryn cannot come with me. I have to come here but I have the ability to change into a human body, and that’s a secret you cannot steal.”
“I must remind you not to speak in adversarial terms, Mars. China does not steal. We acquire technology through partnerships, ‘Made in China.’ Find me one box in Province America without that label. We make things together and in exchange, we use our label. Walmart likes it, so does QVC and so many others, and so do we. Those that do not go out of business.”
“Lu, on Mars, we do not use cheap malnourished Chinese labor to make a profit on what we sell. You have no future on Mars. So spare yourself the trouble and stay away.”
“You don’t understand China, Mars. China aims to rule the universe and Mars will be one of our provinces in space from where we dominate Planet Earth.”
“Mars will import redundant flatulence from the failed New Green Deal and make your landing impossible.”
“Don’t fool yourself, Mars. We acquired NASA and the Russian Space Station. We put our footprint on the Moon. Mars will be next. Venus and Jupiter will follow.”
“The inhabitants of these planets will eat you alive, Lu. Contrary to Marsians, they like Chinese food. It’s a suicidal move.”
“China has 1.5 billion people and that’s too many. We must ship the overload off to space, starting with the Tibetans and Urghs, and unruly residents of Province America. Those deplorables as defined by comrade Hillary Clinton, including racists, sexists, homophobics, xenophobics, Islamophobics. Like the Brits did with sending their criminal crop to Australia. Only true collaborators of China are allowed to remain on Planet Earth.”
“How will China get to Mars?”
“Before you leave, we will X-ray your body to re-engineer it and replicate it for our own use.”
“X-rays do not work on my body, Lu. Besides, if you try that I will turn you into a Mars bar with devastating power. When somebody eats that bar, that person will also turn into a Mars bar, and so on. That might be a better policy to deal with your population problem.”
“Don’t try April Fools Pranks on me, Mars. I can arrest you for disrespect of a senior Chinese official. I insist you follow me to our health room.”
Lu rises, but his face and body crumble with a painful scream. All that’s left on his desk is a Mars bar.
When Mars Man leaves Lu’s office, he pushes the icon ‘Utilities’ on his smartphone to restore Lu to his human condition. He needs him for further interviews but knows that Lu will think twice before trying to take his body next time.
It’s bar time again for THE FRIENDS. Fred, Frank, Tom, and Ted settle down at their usual spots in the Hullahoo Bar. Cindy, Mary, Melissa, and Celine are joining them, all talking about the unending dog fights in Washington politics.
“Gee, man,” sighs Ted. “The Report is out. No collusion, no proof of obstruction. What a relief.”
“And that after two years of trying to prove the opposite,” Melissa says. “That guy Schiff stands with his pants down, and so does the so-called mainstream media. Now they can put the Roseanne Barr show back on.”
“Hah,” Mary scoffs. “And Jeanine Pirro’s, too. Why the heck did Fox drop her? They’re becoming like CNN.”
“Why waste your time looking at Roseanne or Jeanine?” Cindy says, sipping her white wine. “Just watch Congress. Same show, cheaper too.”
“Or those late-night comics,” Frank says. “All Trump haters. So boring. Puts you to sleep but at least gives you time to make love instead.”
“Doesn’t matter what side you are on,” Tom says. “When one side gets President, the other side tears him down.”
“The American way,” Celine affirms. “Like in the cowboy movies. The new sheriff must keep order, so the bad guys go after him.”
“It has gotten a lot worse with Social Media,” Mary proffers. “Everybody is yelling from their basements hitting away on their computers or smartphones, saying things they would never say if they sat in front of those who they are yelling at.”
“My brother, who votes Republican, tells me he’s sleeping in a different room because his wife is dreaming aloud, screaming ‘I hate Trump,'” Melissa says.
“Any Republican here, hands up?” shouts Frank.
No hands show.
“Any Democrat here?” shouts Fred.
No hands show.
“Come on!” Tom says. “You’re all Independents?”
Melissa raises her thumb one inch and says, “You’re all afraid of the Green Police hearing you!”
“Oh, yeah,” Cindy says, laughing. “That media darling with the too red lips and double name everybody had difficulty pronouncing, so they made her into an acronym.”
“Is that so, there’s a Green Police already?” Mary asks, looking worried.
“It’s part of the fine print of the New Green Deal,” Melissa says. “That’s what you’d get if you vote socialism.”
“Why can’t these people leave us alone?” Ted wonders aloud. “Why’s everybody always fighting each other? Dogs fight, cats fight, birds fight, roosters fight, deer fight, ants fight, humans fight, why can’t we have peace? Don’t we all have a good time now?”
“Because peace is boring, buddy,” Fred says. “A peace book does not sell, a killer book does. Same with movies. Welcome to Planet Earth.”
“Same with those politicians. Always fighting while saying ‘my friend,'” Tom says. “I remember Joe Biden boasting he’d take Trump outside the gym to beat him up. I’m afraid six-foot-two Trump heavyweight would take him by the scruff of his neck and hang him on the coat rack.”
“It’s the bully mindset in us humans,” Celine philosophizes. “There are always those who want to control others, regardless. AOC wants to be the boss, you heard that?”
“We need stronger anti-bullying laws,” suggests Mary.
“Hah, works like gun laws,” sneers Frank. “You’ll soon see that not all anti-bullying laws are equal. They won’t apply to people like AOC.”
“She and Bernie want a seventy percent tax rate,” Tom says, looking scared. “They never learn. Bernie may not remember he had to take his own toilet paper to a restroom in Moskou on his honeymoon because the city ran out of tax money and no taxpayer had any money left.”
“How come all these brilliant Millenials just from school yearn for socialism when capitalism is there for everyone to see it works?” Fred wonders. “Do they know what socialism means? Free goods without freedom and soon misery for all.”
“I’m afraid that’s where we’re heading,” Cindy says. “They have to learn the hard way. Looking at Venezuela on TV is not hard enough. They have to live through it to find out how bad it is.”
“At least the Report puts an end to the collusion hoax,” remarks Melissa. “Did anybody ever ask why a freedom-loving billionaire businessman would ask a communist dictator help him get elected president of a democratic US of A?”
“Fair point, Melissa,” says Frank. “Ask Bernie that question. You get a free beer from me. Cheers everyone!”
Talking China: Some of you may remember Mars Man, Chief Anchor at Mars City TV, married to Kathryn of Omaha TV in a happy mixed extraterrestrial marriage. Mars Man visits Omaha TV regularly, landing in a nearby razed cornfield with Space Scooter One. In view of all the current talk about trade negotiations with China, we repeat Mars Man’s visionary interview a year ago with Lu Kung Si, China’s Governor of the US, about the status of the former US, which is now a prosperous province of China, with the help of Bernie Sanders.
“Dear viewers, I am Kathryn Holliday, spouse of our dear Mars Man. Today we air Mars Man’s long-awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. We do not have permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview, but we do so on behalf of Mars TV. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:
Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day, you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing.”
Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese usually are more polite at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”
Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the US has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”
Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. No democracy or free speech here anymore. One more and you are out the door.”
Mars Man: “How are you dealing with the US now that you have submitted it to your communist culture of serfdom?”
Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain freedom more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. We use American security systems, which we borrowed from the NSA, to control the Americans. Besides, we have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well-known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or been incarcerated for life.”
Mars Man: “That must discomfort many American citizens. On Mars, we are concerned about China’s militarism and aggressive totalitarian methods. After you have made the US your subsidiary, other countries of Planet Earth fear losing their freedom. We understand Europe is next.”
Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The US lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. Several are communist already. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. It was too late for Trump to stop that.”
Mars Man: “But your mercurial capitalist policies are pure state rule and make everyone unhappy.”
Lu: “You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the US.”
Mars Man: “But all your excess money is invested in your military.”
Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? A century ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the US, and Shanghai was made into an American brothel. We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”
Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen US technology?”
Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We only need to open NASA’s files to invade Mars, don’t forget that.”
“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question.”
“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know math. The American kids did not do their math to America’s peril. We must rule the world to protect China. ”
Mars Man: “On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom, and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say ‘Don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?’”
Lu: “That’s grossly taken out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: ‘The cautious never err.’ Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”
Mars Man: “I don’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”
Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as America did. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart.”
Mars Man: “Your child policy has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”
Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask. Remember our Rule 180437. Your former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one-child policy, so go and ask him.”
Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”
Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military gets them free. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”
Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they don’t work on our Mars bodies. Goodbye and see you next time.”
Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. OMAHA TV risks to be closed by the Chinese authorities for broadcasting this interview. Only NBC is still functioning with their communist staff under Chinese state control. Soon we will have to travel to Mars to get the real news.”
A blank screen appears.
You may remember the blog on MICE AND ICE: https://www.johnschwartzauthor.com/enchante-mice-ice/
Well, Miceans Maxie and Maxine came back after having been deported last year. The worlds they lived in were hard and unforgiving, they said. No food and shelter for kids, and lots of neighborhood cats and pray-birds out there to kill or mistreat them. So they sneaked in illegally, even borrowed kids, those little creatures with those dreaming tear-jerking eyes that make your heart turn mushy when they look at you, especially on TV. They were asking for a space in our home.
ENCHANTÉ consulted an outsider to come to grips with this invasion: Mars Man. You may remember him, that Marsian face which turns ‘human’ when he lands in a Nebraska cornfield close to Omaha to have TV interviews with his earthly wife Kathryn, an adorable and much-loved anchor at Omaha TV. One of his appearances on ENCANTÉ was in 2016 – https://www.johnschwartzauthor.com/mars-mans-tv-economy-stupid-stupid-economy/.
Mars – his first name – gladly returned to Earth to report for his weekly Mars City TV “Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms” show on the high-profile Miceans approaching the US and the similarity of this event with the continuing efforts of Mother Earth attempting to invade Mars. Kathryn did not waste any time and scheduled him for an interview on the border issue just a few hours after he landed in the Omaha cornfield with Space Scooter One.
He had hardly the time to morph into his earthly body and a Balenciaga outfit.
Kathryn had invited Ted and Frank from the Washington, D.C. Bureau to join in the discussion.
Kathryn launches her show, OMAHA’S WORLD TODAY, with a quick re-introduction of Mars Man, Ted, and Frank. She asks Mars to reflect on the oncoming Miceans invasion from a Mars point of view.
“Kathryn, thank you so much for this important question. We have discussed this before in other forums, but clearly, this is of immediate relevance to Mars. Like everybody on Mother Earth, we hold our planet and our sacred homes dearly. We do not tolerate strange invaders. Any time when a rover or other earthly space unit dawns on Mars and lets mice lose to test our living space, our alarm systems go off and we are ready to defend ourselves. We use appropriate baits and traps and those rovers – you call them rodents here – usually get worn out pretty fast and disappear in a remote ditch somewhere.”
“But what if NASA sends a few thousand rovers to Mars?” asks Frank. “What would you do?”
“It’s insane to even think that’s possible, but we would mobilize a whole army of MICE controllers to chase them back into space. MICE stands for “Mars Invasion Control Entity.”
“We have exactly the same name for it,” Ted exclaims. “Does your president need congressional approval for that?” Ted has no clue of Marsian politics.
“We have a supreme leader, “Mars Man lectures. “He or she emanates from the majority political party. Mars has three parties, the Jupiterians, much like your Libertarians; the
“So your supreme leader would mobilize the army to stop a caravan of mice on earth?” asks Kathryn.
“Exactly. You call your MICE police and get them out, despite their doe-eyed kids, put up barb or bob wire because those kids grow up fast, multiply fast, ruin your home and turn your people into endangered species before you know it. Like what we would do on Mars: turn them back with all your might.”
“Would your Venetians agree with that?” wonders Ted.
“Most likely not, they love your type of
“Once we find our home is no longer ours because the
“You must take action,” Mars Man says. “Even if you are not Republican. Just to save your home from those nasty droppings, loud gnawing, and demolition of wires and cables in your attic.”
Also, to save your kids from dangerous diseases, and to keep your sanity and healthy sleep.”
“But to play the devil’s advocate, what about those poor
“Sure,” Mars Man says. “And soon they’ll want more space in your house, skid through your bedroom with their many kids in their wake, and ask for house-membership and your money to buy more cheese, peanut butter, marshmallows and other drugs free of traps.”
“Why would your Venetians let them in then?” asks Frank.
“To get more votes, beat the
“Gee, that sounds so much like us on Mother Earth,” Ted observes. “It must be an alien habit turned earthly.”
“And next they claim citizenship of your attic,” Mars Man warns. “Kathryn knows, but she does not want to admit it openly. She’s afraid that the Miceans will attack her under the table in a restaurant, saying she is racist.”
“I have just texted my wife we are installing a deep-rooted fence around our yard,” Ted announces. “Our neighbors objected when I explored the idea with them because they found it racist. I told them they could have all the
“We will do the same,” Frank says. “I have a team to plug all the holes around the house and put bab wire at the edges of our the lawn. No more friendly welcome signs. It will also keep my in-laws at bay.”
“That’s the issue,” finalizes Kathryn. “The
The show closes and the tweets run amok. Maxi and Maxine were deported once more, with their offspring. But the authorities expect them back,