The Friends are back from winter sport, year-end festivities, dinners by candlelight, romance and family gatherings at the Christmas tree and the fireplace. All are in a good mood to face the challenges of 2020. Of course, like everybody else, they are bewildered about how wildly Congress spends their tax dollars on wasteful politics.
Frank: “Let’s do a game. I name a person or a subject, and each of you typifies it. Here we go: “Impeachment.” Melissa, you first.”
Melissa: “Protection of the Constitution. Nobody is above the law.”
Frank: “Any nobody in particular?”
Melissa: “Trump, of course.”
Cindy: “What did he do above the law?”
Melissa: “Omit asking Congress permission to talk to Zelensky and when he did anyway he undermined Biden’s credibility for his political benefit.”
Frank: “Mary, is that ‘above the law’?”
Mary: “I don’t give a hoot. I don’t like people listening in to my telephone calls in the first place to tell the world what I said, blame me for something, and then take me to court. To me, that’s above the law.”
Caitlyn: “I agree. Congress has been trying to impeach for three years, and set up a spy ring in the White House, doing everything to find something they could finally impeach Trump for. That’s political spying on the White House and that’s above the law.”
Frank: Next one, whistleblower? Mary?”
Mary: “A windbag! A traitor. He won’t pay my gas bill with his tricks. This guy was a dirty CIA spy. Trump now knows he can’t trust anybody working with him. How is he going to talk to any world leader now?”
Fred: “What’s a whistleblower? Someone who blows up something. He did but for what good.”
Melissa: “He brought abuse of power to light, Fred.”
Fred: “Abuse? If somebody in your office secretly worked to undermine your career, wouldn’t you request your personnel officer to dig into that? I would!”
Melissa: “In Trump’s case, that’s election fraud.”
Caitlyn: “What about the Democrat senators who contributed to Burisma gas? And the Obama administration supporting Ukrainian gas and blocking ours?”
Frank: “Good point, Caitlyn. Next one: ‘Shifty Shiff’. Ted, you haven’t said anything so far. Go!”
Ted: ” ‘Slimy Schiff’. Ever seen such a face? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, wonderful couple, with Schumer as their godfather granddad. LA has become a swamp.”
Melissa: “Wrong. I was there last week. Everybody lives happily together, rich and poor, rags to riches.”
Jason enters with a plate full of beer. “I heard that, Melissa. What about the poop on your doorstep?”
Frank: “Okay, next one: ‘The Impeachment Process.’ Cindy, you’re a lawyer, what’s your take?”
Cindy: “A Ramshackle. These so-called House prosecutors would be laughed out of my courtroom. The requirements are ‘treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.’ They couldn’t come up with any arguments to support these crimes. So they made up their own. So it’s doomed to fail.”
Ted: “Ukraine is a murky country, least developed, one of the worst corruption cases on the Richter scale. When it seceded from the USSR at its collapse, it did not get rid of the stereotype Russian corruption.”
Caitlyn: “Still, Obama gave them soft military aid. Why wouldn’t we make sure that our tax dollars are going to be used efficiently and for the purpose intended, in particular, if you give them more money with lethal aid?”
Frank: “Right. And what had those Bidens to do with all that tax money? They were in the midst of the corruption business, as Biden eminently displayed on TV. If there was any quid pro quo it’s that one.”
Ted: “The Democrat party has lowered the bar for impeachment to a political football. What will happen if Biden gets elected?”
Cindy: “Obvious. The Republicans will impeach him for Quid Pro Quo on day one.”
Frank: “There you go. So, what about Rudy Juliani? Melissa?”
Melissa: “An Ukrainian crook. Bolton called him an unpinned hand grenade ready to explode.”
Caitlyn: “Juliani’s statements on TV sound like a Vince Flynn novel. There’s a lot more dirt on the Ukrainian side than we ever want to know.”
Frank: “Does anyone want a presidential candidate who contributed our hard-earned tax dollars to Ukrainian crooks? Scream “yes” or “no”.
All friends, even Melissa, scream “No!”
(Confidential information: Melissa votes for Bernie Sanders…)
Frank: “Last question: Nicknames for Democrat candidates. We already have Pocahontes for Warner, Sleepy Joe for Biden, The Nutty Professor for Sanders, what about Buttiegek? Caitlyn?”
Caitlyn: “Bootiecrack? Bootiequack?”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiecrack? Say aye.”
A few say “Aye.”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiequack?”
An overwhelming “Aye.” The Friends hoist their glasses.
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The Friends are gathered in the Hullahoo Bar for their Christmas drinks despite last week’s acrimonious debate. The bar is festive, decorated with a brilliant Christmas tree, bells along the walls, and joyful Christmas carols playing in the background.
Let’s listen in.
Melissa: “Sure I am frustrated! Pelosi should have sent the impeachment to the Senate! But she may be smarter than Coalminer McConnell.”
Frank: “I told you the whole thing was a prank to drug her left-wing.”
Mary: “You mean she’s not going to pass it on after all the fireworks?”
Frank: “She doesn’t need to. Critics on TV say she’s making herself more and more ridiculous, but I think she’s foxier than you think: Her majority, even though diminished, got what they wanted all along, they got Trump “impeached”, quote-unquote. So they went home to jubilate and overdose at the Democrat Christmas tree.”
Mary: “She just ditches it? But that’s making havoc of the impeachment process!”
Cindy: “I agree with you but also with Frank. Pelosi knows the art of double-crossing. She satisfied her left, gave Trump a black eye, and moves on with the business of signing on to the Trade Deal and the budget, as if nothing happened, to give manna to her more moderate followers in the swing states.”
Ted: “But that leaves the Senate waiting for nops!”
Tom: “Waiting for Godot, you mean.”
Caitlyn: “She calculates that by the next November elections nobody remembers all the fuss.”
Cindy: “She keeps it as a harbinger and she’ll use it each time when she needs it to annoy Trump.”
Fred: “But that’s hyper Machiavellic! Utter hypocrisy!”
Caitlyn: “Hypocrisy and politics are synonymous, Fred.”
Melissa: “Times should have named Pelosi the Woman of the Year. She managed to schmooze her left and right at the same time, and walk away unscathed.”
Fred: “But what happens next? She’s keeping a sword of Damocles hanging over everyone!”
Melissa: “Only over Trump and the Republican Party. I bet she’ll keep the house and remain Speaker, when a Democratic President is elected.”
Mary: “And a Democratic Senate, so that I get my free rent. And then she can convict Trump and remove him from office with her Senate majority if he gets re-elected.”
Jason, bringing in new beers, turns around: “Don’t keep dreaming, Mary, my job offer is still open! Join and you can pay your rent!”
Tom: “Who would otherwise pay your rent, Mary? Me, the poor taxpayer?”
Mary: “I’ll vote for Bloomberg. He’s got money enough and will pay. He got me a free soda last time!”
Jason, going back to tap more beer: “You can’t live on soda’s alone, Mary!”
Caitlyn: “The Dems won’t nominate another billionaire. Besides, Bloomberg has no charisma. Trump would make marshmallow soup of him.”
Melissa: “For once I agree with you. Biden is a far better fighter.”
Fred: “Ha, ha! Biden said he would beat Trump in the back alley of a prom! He can only bite his wife’s fingers. Give me a break.”
Frank: “And what would Biden do to Trump in the debates, Melissa?”
Caitlyn: “Let me answer that. He’d choose truth over facts, look for smart, abolish chest-thumping on Twitter, and share America’s lunch with China.”
Tom: “And put Hunter back on the Burisma board.”
Mary: “And pay for my gas bill! Shut down fracking and import all we need from Ukraine.”
Jason comes by with a tray full of drinks, and says: “There’s somebody in the back again who pays for all this!”
The friends turn their heads. It’s President Trump this time, smiling broadly.
President Trump: “Hey guys! You see! I am not impeached!”
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The Friends are mad. Their chats at the Hullahoo Bar have become louder and louder. Everybody’s mad nowadays. Even the waitresses. There we go again.
Frank, from one side of the counter: “That’s so typical, Melissa! When you lose your argument, you start calling us names. So I am a misogynist, a bigot, a homophobe, a white supremacist, a racist, what have you. Well, your tribe’s a bunch of leftist hooligans that destroy America!”
Melissa, from the other side of the counter: “You destroy America! We want Medicare for all, you dump Obamacare, and we’ll all die of the climate change you started!”
Ted: “You, Melissa, belong to that loony Alinsky bomber crowd of community organizers that want to fundamentally change America! We heard Obama say that.”
Tom: “Yeah, elections have consequences, he said. Well, we had new elections! We, the irredeemables, want to keep it the Founders’ way!”
Melissa: “You’re so wrong. What did those Founders know then anyways! Socialism is good for all, look at Sweden. You are zealots, wackos and have been doing a nutjob. You’re obstructing the welfare state!”
Tom: “Nonsense! Sweden is not even socialist, but a market economy with a hefty welfare system paid for by high taxes.”
Caitlyn: “A country of ten million people, less than New York State, and we have 330 million. Their system wouldn’t work here and they’re trying to trim it down because it’s too costly.”
Ted: “Melissa’s side screams that the rich will pay for everything and then there won’t be any rich left and we’ll all end up miserables and deplorables!”
Mary, loud and shrill: “I’m miserable already, so I don’t give a hoot if the rich get miserable too!”
Cindy, even louder: “Why don’t you commies and socialists all move to Russia and China, and see for yourself what misery means. Leave us alone with our hard-earned freedom and prosperity!”
Caitlyn: “No, better you move to Greenland and start your Kibutz in zero temperatures there without stealing our tax money!”
Ted: “All you commies want is equality and free goods. Sounds so nice in the beginning until tyranny takes over and life becomes one stinkhole for all!”
Tom: “Except for those in power who live like the rich they destroyed. It has been tried many times over and failed. Look at Venezuela. Get wise!”
Waitress Jane: “If you want your beer, Mr. Wise, you better give me your tip first before you run out of money.”
Tom: “Thanks Jane, but with Melissa’s socialism we have already run out of money. And you haven’t even smiled.”
Jane: “Here’s your beer, Mister!” Jane plunks the glass down, fakes a smile, scoffs, trots away, kicking her splendid bottom left and right.
Melissa, from the other side of the counter: “You see, Tom, how you treat Jane, misogynist!”
Caitlyn: “You know how you were born Melissa?”
Melissa: “What you mean?”
Caitlyn: “Well, I presume your mom and dad made love, no? Was he sexist and misogynist too?”
Melissa, shouting: “You’re changing the subject, Caitlyn. We have different times now!”
Frank: “Precisely! Your socialist communal band of hippies wants us to live in shabby tents, pee and excrete on the street, and yell at each other!”
Mary: “I live in a one-bedroom shack with mice and cockroaches skirting over the floor because I can’t find a job!”
Frank: “Crazy, there’re six million job offers to be filled. Ever looked around?”
Jason, putting a beer in front of Mary: “If you need a job, come over, Mary, you’ll earn good bucks here with your smile to pay for a better place.”
Mary: “If Trump hadn’t stolen the election, us people would’ve had a free home from Hillary!”
Ted, crooning: “Take that Jason offer, Mary! One more woman employed, the highest number since decades!”
Mary: “I don’t want to be employed by the Trump machine, the way he talks about women. He must be impeached.”
Caitlyn: “That’s all you guys want, impeach, impeach! You’ve been screaming that since he was elected. Ever thought about what America wants?”
Melissa, shouting: “We want one party for the U. S.! Democrats are good enough for democratsy.”
Frank: “Okay, Melissa, go take a ride on Biden’s Malarkey bus.”
Melissa: “It’s ‘No Malarkey’, buthead!”
Frank: “Would Biden know the difference?”
Jason comes to the counter: “There’s somebody in the back offering free drinks, except large sodas.”
Everybody looks to the back.
It’s Mike Bloomberg in jacket and tie, waving and smiling.
All Friends cheer and order more beers and double small sodas.
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The Friends are back in the Hullahoo bar talking about the events of the day. Lots of yelling.
Tom: “I think Stone Sour should be impeached!”
Frank: “Yeah, impeach, impeach! I believe they performed it first in Moskou, ha!”
Melissa: “Yeah, ‘So Do Me A Favor, There is no Savior,’ or something like that, and that in Russia Russia, highly impeachable!”
Maria: “And what about the Arctic Monkeys, ‘Do me a favor, and ask me if you need some help!'”
Cindy: “I have a better one from the Riverdale Cast, ‘Do me a favor, say Okay, do me a favor, make them pay!'”
Ted: “And then to think we pay those people in Congress who have nothing else to do but impeach. At least those bands earn their own money.”
Fred: “Do me a favor, Melissa, and hand me that pepper mill for my Bloody Mary, please.”
Melissa: “Any ulterior motives if I don’t? You won’t pay for my drink?”
Fred: “Like that Fats Waller song, ‘Do me a favor, marry me, share my lot.’
Melissa: “You see, you’re a savage, Fred!”
Fred: “Oh, come on, Melissa, even Paul McCartney sang, ‘Somebody’s knocking on the door, so do me a favor and let them in’.”
Ted: “Sounds like the left-wing immigration policy.”
Tom: “Do me a favor, guys, and ask the Treasury to stop paying congressional salaries until they do some work!”
Frank: “That’s quid pro quo, buddy, and you’ll be impeached for that!”
Cindy: “No, Tom is right. I will ask Pelosi, ‘Do me a favor and send people to remove that poop from my doorstep!'”
Fred: “Do me a favor, Cindy, let’s keep this civil. I’m having a Frankfurter with my drink.”
Marlene: “I’m sure everybody in Russia, China, Ukraine, Iran, and whatever dictatorship is having a good laugh about the stupid American democracy.”
Maria: “Right. I don’t think Democratic Party is synonymous with Democracy. Like Russia, they want to jail everybody.”
Marlene: “Is the Republican Party any better? They impeached Clinton.”
Cindy: “Clinton committed felonies and lied under oath, and lost his license to practice law.”
Frank: “And what did Trump do? Asking help to disguise the culprits of the 2016 election Russia Hoax in Ukraine, cough up the secret Hillary server and open up on the Biden corruption, all things that are already under investigation. There was no quid pro quo like with Biden.”
Maria: “And that’s what he said he’d do if he was elected, and he was. He got a mandate for that.”
Frank: “The Democrats only want payback. Tit for Tat, simple as that!”
Tom: “The whole matter sounds like ‘J’accuse‘ in that Dreyfuss affair in France, which started with a spy rummaging through a wastebasket and proved unfounded after years of turmoil. History repeats itself.”
Maria: “That whistleblower does not seem to be a whistleblower at all but an orchestrated internal Whitehouse trap set by people who hate Trump. It’s CIA stuff, by those dejected old spies that have now CNN jobs.”
Cindy: “I remember from my history class that the Dreyfuss affair caused major damage to the French justice system, and I bet this impeachment case would damage our justice system too.”
Tom: “It already has. That German wisecrack Otto von Bismarck said ‘Politics is the Art of the Possible,” but there’s nothing artful in this impeachment thing. It’s undermining America. Let we the people vote these nincompoops out in a year from now.”
“Hear, hear!” everybody yells and lifts their glasses.
Credits on Lyrics: www.Lyrics.com
Francine: Dazzling Daughter of the Mountain State 1st Edition
The Hullahoo Bar friends are reuniting after the holidays for their Labor Day Drink, starting with the hottest subject of the day.
“I say ‘No to Climate Change’ but ‘Change the Climate,’ Frank starts. “I want to stop the sun from turning back on June 21. Already it’s going dark.”
“And stop the hurricanes,” Fred adds. “They all come from Africa. Terrorists must be brewing them in the Sahara.”
“The President was overheard saying ‘Nuke them’,” Melissa says, smirking.
“That’s been tried before,” Tom says. “Navy planes started it in the 1950s. As of the sixties they flew into hurricane eyes and spread the walls with silver iodide. They called it ‘Project Stormfury’.”
Credits: Photo: U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, NOAA Photo Library – Text Project Stormfury: Richard Schwartz – “Great Hurricanes of the South East Coast” – work in progress. See also Rick Schwartz https://www.amazon.com/Hurricanes-Middle-Atlantic-States-Schwartz/dp/0978628004 –
“Sorry, Tom,” Mary interjects, “but I wasn’t good at chemistry in high school. What’s that stuff?”
“A yellow powder that makes rain,” Tom explains. “They did it with Hurricane Beula in 1963. The eyewalls began to fall apart and the winds fell by twenty percent.”
“So why aren’t they doing that today?” Cindy asked.
“Because Cuba’s Fidel Castro complained in 1963 that the U.S. weaponized the hurricanes to hit them,” Tom says. “And when they tried it in the Pacific in the seventies, China made a similar complaint. So ‘Project Stormfury’ ended in the eighties after millions spent. But the Hurricane Research Division in Miami is continuing research with planes that fly into the eyes, as they did with ‘Katrina’.”
“At what cost?” Cindy asked.
“In the order of twelve million a year,” Tom answers. “But that may also include other things. I’m sure they’re in Dorian already.”
“Well, given today’s billions of trade wars with China, they should start that again in the Pacific. Cheaper than fighting with tariffs,” Fred opines.
“But what help is this research?” wonders Ted. “It still doesn’t stop these hurricanes once they’re in the air. We must stop them from flying off in the Sahara. It’s terrorism, stupid.”
“Plant trees in the Sahara,” Melissa suggests. “Trees make clouds and rain. Drill for water in those dried-up lake beds they discovered instead of oil.”
“Who owns the Sahara?” Mary asks, scoffing. “Some eight countries if I remember well, all troublesome and full of terrorists. Good luck with your project.”
“Suppose we send Bernie and Pocahontas with their climate plans to the terrorists?” Fred offers. “Maybe they can persuade them with Democrat money to plant trees instead of bombing us.”
“It’s that copper bully in the sky that pulls earth’s orbit closer to its chest,” Frank claims. “Ever had a sunburn at the beach? Well, in a few years we’ll all get scorched. We must steer Mother Earth away from Bully The Sun.”
“Do these Green Deal people know who steers Earth?” Cindy asks. “It looks we’re heading for a big collision the way you describe it. The Bible says somewhere that the elements of earth will be destroyed by fire.”
“Right, we better find out how to steer Earth,” Mary says. “You see what happens with these driverless cars. They run into people and street lights, causing fire.”
“That’s exactly what that Green Deal does,” says Frank. “And they’re not insured.”
“I have a better idea,” Fred says. “Let’s turn these hurricanes back to Africa. That’s what those Green Deal people should put their trillions on. Let them drop all that water on the Sahara instead and plant trees.”
“AOC!” Mary suggests. “Stands for ‘Assault Our Climate.’ Let’s start breezing hard to blow Dorian away from the coast and back to where it came from.”
“That’s racist!” Melissa hollered.
“So is my Bourbon,” yells Frank. “Cheers!”
Francine: Dazzling Daughter of the Mountain State 1st Edition