The Crooks of the Matter is…
Omaha TV’s Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is on and according to Nielson’s, millions of viewers check in. Charming and lovely Kathryn comes on screen, as does her panel, this time enhanced by special envoys from Mars, Shamus Econometricus and Huda Seksibombah from Mars City.
Kathryn: Dear viewers, these are special days for all of us in the USA. And while this may be so, our friends and enemies on and off Mother Earth and beyond are watching astonished how our people burn other people’s properties and destroy their livelihoods, just because they want revenge for a legal procedure that didn’t satisfy their desired outcome. Our diverse panel, to which we welcome Shamus, Mars’s On-the-other-Hand economist and Huda, Mars’s phenomenal beauty queen and primary journalist, will provide you with their expert opinions from Mars City TV. Let me start with Mars Man, your point of view, please.
Mars Man: In one word: appalling. What surprises me most is that this still occurs in the USA with 50 million people on food stamps, not having to pay income tax, and enjoying free Obama cell phones. What can they be so unhappy about?
Kathryn: good question. Let’s ask Bob Demmofool, representative of the Very Democratic Party.
Bob Demmofool: It’s all the Reagan’s and the Bush’s fault. They were promising a City on a Hill, One Thousand Points of Lights, and American Compassion that only resulted in more racial segregation and more lower class. At least President Obama tried to reinvigorate those empty slogans with Hope and Change, and give it content by ordering amnesty for 5 million illegals.
Huda Seksibombah: But those illegals are all people from South America and will take jobs away from your African-Americans!
Fred Miserable: Precisely, you hit it on the nail. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, both in their blackmailed million dollar suits, should jump the fence of the White House and protest against its immigration follies.
Kathryn: I’m sure Shamus Econometricus can shed some light on these discrepancies.
Shamus: Sure, Kathryn, and let me first thank you for being invited to your show. On Mars, everybody pays a flat tax, even babies do. The first protester in the street, if we had one, would be arrested and jailed with a heavy fine, and the next one would be sent to a hard labor camp on the Moon, and so on. That stops it right in the butt. People know this and therefore only protest peacefully, if they do. On Mother Earth, leaders are too afraid to show their teeth and get run over.
Bob: Shamus’s economics won’t work here with our President who stands for black panther supremacy, the frequent voting act, and the free protesting act no questions asked. That’s how it should be and this is the will of the people, as they elected him, twice I may say.
Charlene Knowitall: How can that be the will of the people? What people? Even shops owned by black people were burned!
Bob: It’s all the fault of the police and the national guard. If they’d stayed home, nothing would’ve happened. People would’ve been bored and gone home as there wouldn’t be anybody to start a fight with.
Huda Seksibombah: I don’t believe a word of that, it would only have gotten worse. They should’ve sent in female troops in miniskirts, and all your protesters would’ve been in shock-and-awe and done nothing but gawking. That’s how we solve street problems.
Marlene Femenazi: We on earth don’t allow women to be used as political sex symbols. That’s why we elect types like Pelosi, Landrieu, or Hillary: all women that inflict men with instant ED. Violent protestors are always dumb males and should be scooped up and sent to prisons with female guards using wonder women whips, and beating them every time they dare open their mouth.
Paul Turnmeon: I would love to be in such a prison!
Kathryn: It seems that our panel has exhausted this subject. Let’s bring discussions back to a proper level: where do we stand with the various political scandals? Mars Man, your view from Mars City?
Mas Man: The crooks of the matter is that you have too many crooks. Your tax processors are crooks. Your Foreign Affairs people handling Benghazi are crooks. Your White House is full of crooks. Your Health people are devious crooks. The Justice Department is full of crooks. Veteran Affairs is full of crooks. Your EPA alarmists spinning natural disaster because of CO2 are crooks, etcetera etcetera. I’ve never witnessed on Mother Earth an Administration so full of crooks. The most transparent they said they’d be. And then your press. The most crooked press ever. Your journalism is dead. Nobody reports the truth anymore except one or two journals and one TV station, and they are called right-wing conspirators. Everything is tweaked and spun double-crooked. What you need is a total sweep, but I am afraid you will never get it because there are too many crooked voters loving crooked freebies.
Kathryn: Bob Demmofool, do you see it that way, too?
Bob: This is the biggest BS -beep! – I’ve ever heard…
Mars Man (interrupts) : Did you mean WTF- beep, perhaps?…
…Bob continues: We the People are in full force to transform America. It’s the old way of life, such as proper marriage, hard work and decent living that are the slogans of the real crooks that subdued the people and held back everybody. We elect progressive people from Gomorrah, the modernized world, who know what world the people want and how to create it for them.
Mars Man: Even if your elections proved otherwise?
Bob: Only one third voted. Two thirds stayed home, just to make the point they agreed with the President’s policies.
Mars Man: Or perhaps because they didn’t agree but didn’t want to say so openly? Fear they might be audited by your IRS?
Henriette Forgetmenot: On Mars they always know better. It’s high-time NASA restarts its Mars Reconnaisance program and brings some sapience to that planet.
Huda: Henriette, we only allow people with higher than average IQ and Monroe or Tarzan body shape, and none of you down there, especially not people like you and Bob, qualify, and will be catapulted right back into space to enjoy free fall and free lunch paid by your tax payers.
Kathryn: Dear panel, let’s avoid entering into spatial warfare. Mars Man, I give you the last word.
Mars Man: We on Mars believe America is intrinsically strong, the Russians are perverts, Europe, fixated on the welfare state, is a cry baby neglecting its security, hiding under the American skirt while lamenting it isn’t doing enough, the Middle East is still in the Middle Ages and will remain there for the next centuries, China is belligerent because it has too many people but can’t lose America as it would go broke, Iran is a religious bully and very dangerous if not contained, suppressing its centuries’ old intellect to its ultimate detriment, and South-America is just fence-hopping South-America, but if America doesn’t clean up its act, it will go the same way as the rest of Mother Earth: to smithereens in space.
Kathryn: That sounds like a nice Christmas card, Mars Man! Thanks to you viewers, on Mother Earth and Mars, for tuning into our show. See you all next time!
Washington Dances the Cakewalk
Kathryn of Omaha TV
Omaha TV’s Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms Show is on and millions of viewers tune in.
Kathryn: Hello, dear viewers, my husband Mars Man is here with us on the occasion of the elections in the USA and we have the fortitude of receiving him in our studio today together with our beloved panel: Paul Turnmeon, Fred Miserable, Bob Demmofool, Charlene Knowitall, Marlene Femenazi and Henriette Forgetmenot. Mars Man, your views on the American election results.
Mars Man: “Like rain in space. Incredible. I heard that the tenant in the Whitehouse climbed the fence, but on the way out, not to be seen again. Like the Halloween scene we reported last week.”
Kathryn: “What do you think of the American two-party system? Does it work?”
Mars Man: “As good as a worn-out couple in bed. Adultery is the only option for survival.”
Kathryn: “But with whom can they commit adultery?”
Mars Man: “They should call back the Founding Fathers for a transformation of America. Clearly, the one advocated by the current tenant of the White House was an outright aberration. I told you that six years ago, but no one wanted to believe me, and some others, who raised the red flag.”
Kathryn: “But what transformation should the Founding Fathers consider?”
Mars Man: “Try the parliamentary system. The Presidential system lures people to the job who bank on their smiles and populist manners, but are not competent or honest. The system puts too much power into the executive branch and turns it too much into a bully pulpit. In the parliamentary system you can issue a vote of no-confidence and throw the bums out and put your own bums in before the election period is over. That’s what we do on Mars.”
Kathryn: “Well, Bob Demmofool, you think that’s the solution?”
Bob: “This is the biggest bull –beep — I’ve ever heard. The parliamentary system allows multiple parties into the chambers and leads to complete cacophony. No continuity, continuous fights, nothing gets done. America needs a one party system and that should obviously be the Democrats to avoid today’s gridlock.”
Fred Miserable: “WTF – beep! I beg to disagree. In Europe, you have all sorts of parties that have a voice, and here those different voices get shut up by the majority leaders in the Senate or the House. Let’s split up the democratic party, for example. All your moderate democrats have been rooted out and replaced by leftist socialists, environmental fascists, crony capitalists, and professional healthcare liars, and you want to amplify that into a one party system?”
Marlene Femenazi: “This is all chicken — beep! We have enough of all these fuddy-duddy roosters talking big and do nothing but jumping on our backs. What we need is matriarchal management. The guys have made a complete mess of it. I only want to see skirts or female pants on TV, that is, without zippers that fly open in public and cause sexist havoc. The Wonder Woman Party would do fine.”
Charlene Knowitall: “BS-beep! If you put two women together you have a fight. Put a whole party of them together and you have a war on women.”
Henriette Forgetmenot: “Mars Man is right. We need a multi-party system. Like marriage is out the door, it’s more fun to lie in bed with multi-parties.”
Fred Miserable: “Let’s put a name to today’s so-called Democrats: the Communist Party because that’s what it is. Totally transformed. In a multi-party system, you could also have a Social Democrat party like in Germany, a Labor Party like in the UK or a Boer Koekoek party in Holland. On the Republican side, you can have a Libertarian Party like Le Pen in France, a Christian Democratic party like in Germany or Holland, and a Conservative Party in the UK. Each party gets the votes they deserve and the lead party forms the government, if necessary with opposing parties if they didn’t get a full majority, and they select a prime minister. And you do not have to wait four let alone eight years to get rid of him or her. Most importantly, they cannot govern by fiat or executive order.”
Bob Demmofool: “SOB! I wish we would’ve had that when Bush was president!”
Fred Miserable: “You see! You agree when you see it’s to your advantage. SOB!”
Kathryn: “Ladies and gentleman, let’s pipe down! Mars Man, your idea of inviting the Founding Fathers back to life is causing some friction. Did we forget something we should think about?”
Mars Man: “Yes. Immigration. An issue hotly debated on Mars. We don’t like invaders. We have invited that visionary gentleman from Holland, Gilders to come and speak. Also that charming lady from France Michelle le Pen. Joe Arpaio of Arizona has already signed on. Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona, as well. We have installed a hermetic shield around Mars and everyone will be bounced back to where they came from regardless of whether they perish in space.”
Bob Demmofool:” WTF! How are you going to grow your party’s base? You won’t be able to maintain your majority.”
Marlene Femenazi: “That’s what we should have in the USA: a system to keep all the men out and do away with those inside. Now that the Supreme Court is supporting same-sex, we can finally throw the bums out and do it alone.”
Paul Turnmeon: “I can recommend you a crony capitalist who can provide you solar-energy operated cucumbers for half the price. He got half a billion tax-funded government loan.”
Kathryn: Ladies and gentleman, again, tone it down unless you want the FCC to denominate this an X-rated show and we would lose our advertisers. Mars Man, a last comment please before we close. “
Mars Man: Oh, yes, thanks. What does WTF mean?”
Kathryn: “Dear viewers, that was all for today, come back next time!”
Your reporters of the Views of a Foreigner have seen a lot of Mother Earth, but nothing surprises them more than Washington D.C., as overheard on a terrace overlooking the Potomac in Georgetown.
“I’m happy that NASA has stopped roaming Mars because the White House has blown its budget with broccoliramacare,” Mars Man said, “but using Russian rockets to power supplies to the International Space Station really beats me. No wonder they explode; they run on vodka.”
“And then to know that your Space Scooter One runs on purified sublimated ethanol,” the other reporter said. “Did you ever tell them?”
“Of course I did, as a friendly gesture from Mars, but they don’t want to listen to me because I don’t belong to their crony capitalist club.”
“But you are not against further space exploration, are you?” the reporter asked.
“As long as it is done within reason and not to submit other cultures living in space to the follies of Mother Earth. Americans were good going to the moon because nobody lives there, and I have no issue with sending space shuttles to do scientific research and experiments. But since the White House started firing up Air-Force one instead, they have only been polluting the air, something their government is always lamenting about. Now Americans have to pay 70 million dollars to get a seat on a Russian space craft. Don’t you think Americans find this humiliating?”
“Mars Man, looking at TV and the newspapers, Americans are mostly concerned about getting or keeping their jobs or getting them back, if ever, and keeping illegals and that crazy disease from West Africa outside their borders. They are least concerned about some Russian astronauts in the Space Station getting their vodka resupplied.”
“So, what would an American do when someone of higher authority came to their door asking for either of two things: one, you must pay one hundred dollars to fire up Air Force One or two, get audited by the IRS?’
“Get audited by the IRS, I suppose, because Americans haven’t got any money left anyway. And there is a good chance that the IRS computers have lost their tax return. They paid close to one hundred million in refunds to dead people.”
“Holy Halloween!” Mars Man exclaimed. “When you look at that White House it seems more and more like a haunted castle in this dark fall weather. Does anyone live there? Is that what these fence jumpers want to find out?”
“According to my sources, it appears that the main tenant is always out campaigning and his spouse has been forced to do the same because nobody likes him anymore. The kids are left alone with the disappointed Obama Girl, eating veggies from the yard.”
“Why is the White House so silent about what they plan to do?” Mars Man asked. “Everything seems postponed until after the elections. Don’t they have to come clean? On Mars everybody is given a blackboard with the main promises to vote for and then check it off.”
www.pinterest.com vote for Lazaro 1 vote for Lazaro 2
“Don’t try to understand American politics, Mars. It all boils down to whether your baseball cap says it’s made in Honduras, China or the USA, the wife is a man eater and has the constitutional right to beat up her spouse and demand equal pay, and if a black congressman is black enough.”
“What about the economy, their paycheck, illegals, health premiums, and those islamofacists?” Mars Man asked, sounding perplexed.
“Again, according to my sources — which are based on official leaks from czars you see hiding behind the burning curtains — when the main tenant returns from campaigning, he will rule by ball pen order and cellphone, and only on domestic politics to reset his failing legacy.”
“Ball pen order?” Mars Man’s mouth hung open for at least a minute, stupefied. “What’s that?”
“Sort of executive fiat, or executive order, emperor-like. Something that was done in Europe in the Middle Ages,” the reporter clarified, seemingly not expecting that Mars Man would understand a iota of that.
www.dailymail.co.uk courtesy Andrew Jewson inventor Jackpen
“But didn’t they have revolutions about that in Europe?” Mars Man asked, understandably confused.
“They sure did, but all that’s forgotten here because they are not taught history in school, and if they are it is only about the Messiah who came to transform America.”
“Wouldn’t you vote against that?” Mars Man asked.
“Of course I would, but I don’t have a vote, only a green card. Besides, if a Republican votes for a Republican, a vote for a Democrat jumps out of the machine.”
“They have voter fraud in America? I thought only banana republics had that problem and that they send
former President Carter and his outfit to keep an eye on that.”
www. therealside.com courtesy Joe Messina
“I hear that they are planning to invite the Carter Institute to oversee the election here next week but since he is a Democrat it may only get worse.”
“You know that a printer on Mars was invited to bid for the manufacturing of ten million green cards? Don’t they have anybody here who can do that?”
“You see! They want to keep it secret, that’s why. As soon as the elections are over, the main tenant in the White House will give them away to illegals, on the condition that the beneficiaries vote Democrat. He says that’s better than Voter ID and it’s constitutional because he taught Constitution at Harvard.”
“But why don’t you go vote then with your green card if they mix it up at the polling station anyway?”
“Because I am a Moron.”
“Somebody who votes for the Giants thinking they are Congress.”
Mars Man gave the reporter a blank stare. “What’s gone wrong with America?” he was thinking aloud.