The Hullahoo Bar friends are reuniting after the holidays for their Labor Day Drink, starting with the hottest subject of the day.
“I say ‘No to Climate Change’ but ‘Change the Climate,’ Frank starts. “I want to stop the sun from turning back on June 21. Already it’s going dark.”
“And stop the hurricanes,” Fred adds. “They all come from Africa. Terrorists must be brewing them in the Sahara.”
“The President was overheard saying ‘Nuke them’,” Melissa says, smirking.
“That’s been tried before,” Tom says. “Navy planes started it in the 1950s. As of the sixties they flew into hurricane eyes and spread the walls with silver iodide. They called it ‘Project Stormfury’.”
Credits: Photo: U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, NOAA Photo Library – Text Project Stormfury: Richard Schwartz – “Great Hurricanes of the South East Coast” – work in progress. See also Rick Schwartz https://www.amazon.com/Hurricanes-Middle-Atlantic-States-Schwartz/dp/0978628004 –
“Sorry, Tom,” Mary interjects, “but I wasn’t good at chemistry in high school. What’s that stuff?”
“A yellow powder that makes rain,” Tom explains. “They did it with Hurricane Beula in 1963. The eyewalls began to fall apart and the winds fell by twenty percent.”
“So why aren’t they doing that today?” Cindy asked.
“Because Cuba’s Fidel Castro complained in 1963 that the U.S. weaponized the hurricanes to hit them,” Tom says. “And when they tried it in the Pacific in the seventies, China made a similar complaint. So ‘Project Stormfury’ ended in the eighties after millions spent. But the Hurricane Research Division in Miami is continuing research with planes that fly into the eyes, as they did with ‘Katrina’.”
“At what cost?” Cindy asked.
“In the order of twelve million a year,” Tom answers. “But that may also include other things. I’m sure they’re in Dorian already.”
“Well, given today’s billions of trade wars with China, they should start that again in the Pacific. Cheaper than fighting with tariffs,” Fred opines.
“But what help is this research?” wonders Ted. “It still doesn’t stop these hurricanes once they’re in the air. We must stop them from flying off in the Sahara. It’s terrorism, stupid.”
“Plant trees in the Sahara,” Melissa suggests. “Trees make clouds and rain. Drill for water in those dried-up lake beds they discovered instead of oil.”
“Who owns the Sahara?” Mary asks, scoffing. “Some eight countries if I remember well, all troublesome and full of terrorists. Good luck with your project.”
“Suppose we send Bernie and Pocahontas with their climate plans to the terrorists?” Fred offers. “Maybe they can persuade them with Democrat money to plant trees instead of bombing us.”
“It’s that copper bully in the sky that pulls earth’s orbit closer to its chest,” Frank claims. “Ever had a sunburn at the beach? Well, in a few years we’ll all get scorched. We must steer Mother Earth away from Bully The Sun.”
“Do these Green Deal people know who steers Earth?” Cindy asks. “It looks we’re heading for a big collision the way you describe it. The Bible says somewhere that the elements of earth will be destroyed by fire.”
“Right, we better find out how to steer Earth,” Mary says. “You see what happens with these driverless cars. They run into people and street lights, causing fire.”
“That’s exactly what that Green Deal does,” says Frank. “And they’re not insured.”
“I have a better idea,” Fred says. “Let’s turn these hurricanes back to Africa. That’s what those Green Deal people should put their trillions on. Let them drop all that water on the Sahara instead and plant trees.”
“AOC!” Mary suggests. “Stands for ‘Assault Our Climate.’ Let’s start breezing hard to blow Dorian away from the coast and back to where it came from.”
“That’s racist!” Melissa hollered.
“So is my Bourbon,” yells Frank. “Cheers!”
Francine: Dazzling Daughter of the Mountain State 1st Edition
Mars Man is back on Mother Earth on vacation with Kathryn and they use the opportunity to interview Joe Biden for Mars City TV. The interview is posted here.
Mars: “Helloo Joe, nice to meet you again. You know Kathryn, don’t you? It’s good to see you’re holding strong in your campaign despite the onslaught of bad media coverage.”
Joe: “Thanks, Mars and Kathryn. Well, you know that Joe Biden chooses truth over facts, ha, ha, ha.”
Mars: “Yes, we heard. You must be relieved that China’s Province America locked Mr. Trump and his consorts up in Guantanamo Bay.”
Joe: “I worked hard on that when I was Vice President with Barack America. They don’t call me ‘Joe China’ for nothing. Barack wanted to close it, but the Republicans did not. Now they taste the bitter fruits of their utter partisanship.”
Mars: “Lu Kung Si, the Chinese Governor of Province America, told us they allow local politicians to run for office. But what can you do if China mends the store?”
Joe: “Let’s just be smart this time. I’m looking for smart.”
Kathryn: “I’m from Nebraska, the only American free state left after China turned the U.S. into Province America. All your contestants for President are running to the left, some even more left than China’s Communist Party.”
Joe: “But at least there’s some civility now.”
Kathryn: “What would you do as President of China’s Province America if China invades Nebraska and commits another Tiananmen square bloodbath in Omaha?”
Joe: “China has taken America back to normal. We are no longer chest-thumping and doing twitter tantrums. China will treat Nebraska like Hongkong, one country two systems.”
Mars: “But you had considerable financial interests in China and the Bank of China invested a billion dollars in a fund set up by your son and a son of the Heinz fortune while you were Vice President. How much of that went into your own bank account?”
Joe: “I am not responsible for what others do. I thought the deal was when you went to work for the Government, you weren’t supposed to make money! I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks, so that when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.”
Mars: “But how can you then be neutral in what China does with Province America?”
Joe: “I won’t, but Trump undermined our democratic alliances while embracing dictators who appeal to his vanity. The world sees Trump for what he was – insincere, ill-informed, impulsive, and corrupt.”
Kathryn: “But is that not exactly what you were with China, corrupt? Is that not the reason why China lets you run for President of Province America?”
Joe: “It proves that I know how to deal with China. China is now eating our lunch, and we work for them. Nowhere it is written there must be a conflict between what was the United States of America and China.”
Kathryn: “You said in the past that China was not our competitor and see now what happened. How can Nebraska be assured that China will apply the same ‘one country two systems’ policy for Hongkong to Nebraska?”
Joe: “As President of Province America I won’t be responsible for foreign policy. President Ping is. In my heart I know Ping’s a good President. No nation should stoke instability in its neighbor’s country.”
Mars: “Don’t you feel disappointed that Province America is destroying the individual freedom and innovation that made America great?”
Joe: “For too long in this society, we have celebrated unrestrained individualism over common community.”
Mars: “There are reports that President Trump is buying Greenland from Denmark to establish a U.S. Government in exile and win America back. Have you heard about that?”
Joe: “Look folks, we know who built this country and we know who’s going to rebuild it. It’s China. Instead of vilifying China we should be thanking China. We owe China.”
Kathryn: “One last question: Did you ever inappropriately touch Chinese women?”
Joe: “Who said that women always want to have the last word? I only want to connect with people!”
Credits: Many websites with Joe Biden Gaffes and Quotes.
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