Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is showing on Mars TV. All Martians are tuned it.
Mars Man: Good morning, dear viewers. Many of you have sent in questions about why politicians on Mother Earth, such as Presidents, feel the need to leave a legacy and do whatever they can to create one. So we take on this subject this morning, as our panel is puzzled about this as well. Elmer, why don’t you start.
Elmer: Pure egotism. Be better than the next one and all former Presidents combined. Bargaining for a monument after death or even earlier. Striving to be more than a footnote in history at the cost of the citizens.
Mars Man: That’s a sobering definition. Huda, your point of view?
Huda: If I were Obama of the USA, for example, I would have been content with being the first black president having united the races and steering his country through difficult times, and still leaving it better than when he took over. Instead, he made it worse because all his stellar falsehoods have flopped and racial tension has doubled. It’s only Michelle who left a doubtful legacy by removing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from the school lunch and replacing it with broccoli, making all kids raving mad.
Pasha: I also hear she now wants to get paid for being first lady because of all the shores she’s got to do, such as going on expensive vacations and flying on Air force One, telling her servants what to pack. Then all stay-home-spouses who do a lot more than she in much harsher circumstances, should be salaried. What about the military spouses? They make real sacrifices.
Talma: Take Putin. He destroyed the legacy of Gorbachev, who enabled democracy in Russia, and took it back to the Czars. He is still working hard on this legacy, and that is no less than murdering opposition, and grabbing more territory which was Russian before and that includes Alaska. He is already sending his bombers to look for a vacation property there with Sarah Palin’s grizzly bears as house pets.
Pasha: I love Hollande, that French president who makes children out of wedlock in what they call partnership in France. He said that every Frenchman should be equal, and that means brotherhood and liberty, and misery for all. All citizens with any monetary achievements are taxed to nothing to give to those who don’t work, and as a result many went elsewhere to survive, and the economy is in shatters.
Shamus: I agree it’s a lunacy. All these politicians want to shine in their craziness using other peoples money, that’s the tax payers’, and what they end up with is darkness, despair, and as Pasha correctly says, misery for all. I think our Martian army should go down there and put the Mullahs, Putin, Hollande and Obama all in the same room with only one toilet and a community shower, a fridge with American hotdogs, French brie, Middle-Eastern falafels and Russian Vodka, and no exit.
Huda: Yes, and that communist Raoul Castro may clean up at two cents salary a day which is the average paycheck in Cuba. Worse than Guantanamo. And nobody exits until each of them drops their legacy fallacies and signs declarations–and I mean verifiable declarations–that they leave their citizens and those of other nations alone, including Mars.
Mars Man: What about that lady Merkel of Germany? She seems to have a more realistic view on her goals. Shamus?
Shamus. I agree. But Germany has a parliamentary system and that makes the difference. In presidential systems, the President is elected nationally, and in a parliamentary system it is the party which wins the largest number of parliamentary seats that choses the prime minister. Often they have coalition governments constituted of several parties, so they must compromise. There the president has only a ceremonial role, like royalty in monarchies. But Presidents in a presidential system have substantial power and cannot be removed unless impeached.
Elmer: That still has limitations. President Clinton was but the Senate did not have enough votes to implement it. Prime Ministers are removed when parliament casts a vote of no confidence and new elections must be held. They say the parliamentary system is less stable but it also avoids having an unmovable president in power everybody loathes. So Prime Ministers focus on governance, while a president focuses on glory in the aftermath, with all the disastrous results heaping up, as is visible in the US and France on Mother Earth. Both presidents are socialists, by the way.
Pasha: But in the US governors can be recalled, like they tried with that Governor Scott Walker.
Elmer: State Constitutions are different from the Federal one. What is remarkable is that he succeeded twice to thwart his socialist opposition. But that does no make such a Governor, however desirable, elected on the national scale. The rules are different. In my opinion, the US presidential elections have become far too skewed in favor of the dumb electorate choosing its leader because of the relaxed rules for voter eligibility. Nowadays, even an ass can vote.
Huda: An ass?
Elmer: I mean a donkey. And that is usually a democrat. Not to say that an ass and a donkey are not similar, or even identical.
Talma: Why do American Republicans have an elephant as a mascot?
Elmer: Because they think it makes them feel powerful, but their problem is they leave it often in the room and are too decent to throw the guy out and clean up the mess. That annoys a lot of people and that’s why they don’t win.
Mars Man: so that means that the democrat presidential candidate Clinton is a donkey?
Pasha: It would be improper to call her an ass. I hear they can’t even call her the B-word, although it seems that her husband Bill always did in the White House when she threw plates, knives or lamps at him. I also heard that all that is on tape somewhere.
Shamus: She says it would be great to have a female president. But why? She is still a socialist, so she would bring in other socialists and continue the Obama administration. More ruin for America. American electorates don’t realize that being a first female or first black president does not necessarily bring in good governance, and socialists surely don’t.
Talma: Are they even sure on Mother Earth that she is a woman? She looks rather manly to me. I always wondered why that Bill cheated on her all the time wherever he went. Even in the White House. Maybe she did not feel like, permanent headache?
Mars Man: Huda, you are our expert on Mother Earth gender matters. Your thoughts?
Huda: I think she is a male. Or at least transgender. Something must have happened on the way. You can hear that the way she laughs. Ever heard her laugh? It’s indeed like an a…donkey, I mean. That’s why Bill could not get his satisfaction anymore. And she lies like Bill, and he is definitely a male because we know that from that blue dress. So yes, my conclusion is that she is a male, a transgender male. That’s why the democrat party is so much for sexual liberties.
Elmer: The American Founding Fathers could not foresee this in their time. This is what is wrong with the American Presidential system. The French system is better: national scrutiny and in case the candidate does not get the absolute majority of the votes, a run-off takes place. The good thing is that when that happens, the electorate may become sensible and vote for the right person a second time. Had the US had that in 2012, Romney might have won as those dumb Republican non-voters would have gotten scared and gone to the voting boot. What a difference that would have made.
Pasha: what would Clinton like to be her legacies?
Elmer: So far, the old socialist stuff: supporting the middle class (who doesn’t), raising the minimum wage which only prevents youngsters from getting entry-jobs, supporting education including kindergarten (who doesn’t), the usual platitudes on immigration and foreign policy. Absolutely nothing on revamping the social divide Obama has created, or fighting religious persecution, and strengthening America.
Pasha: There is a theory going that candidate Clinton has passed the menopause and that she therefore would not have hot flushes anymore when she lies, and that being deprived of hormonal fluctuations would make her a better President.
Mars Man: But Huda’s transgender theory makes that possibility moot. It’s going to be interesting for us to watch. Just hope that for once good reason wins on Mother Earth and that means a thorough regime change in the USA. It would help Mother Earth from further decline. That’s all the time we have, viewers! See you next time. Bye-bye!
Mars Man to Mars TV: Viewers, we are on with the latest on Mother Earth. Our panel is in place. The first candidates for the 2016 US Presidential Election have announced.
The banalities have started. We will take our country back. We will roll back this and that. We will preserve America. We will tell the truth and not hide e-mails. We are disciplined, hard work, service, looking after YOUR wellbeing. And so be it. Dear panel, your views? Let me start with Elmer, our foremost political analyst.
Elmer: It is so boring. That Clinton women puts me to sleep. She walks like a peacock heaving her chest. Promising and promising what she never does herself. What do people want?
Huda: But I like peacocks, they are so peaceful in the park.
Shamus: Ever seen them when they get mad? They storm at you screaming like yelling firebrands and throw a lamp at your face if their wings can get a hold of one.
Pasha: But it would be so nice to have a woman president. That motherly smile when you wake up and go to bed, rockydee baby rockedee boo. Just imagine, three o’ clock and no nightmares anymore.
Huda: Yeah, much better than that smile of Ted Cruz. It’s so awful, it gives me the creeps. And he speaks without a teleprompter. That current president sleeps with one in his bed. No room for Michelle anymore. What a difference that would make. You can always make up something without a teleprompter. The current fellow never lies because his teleprompter shuts off when he does, at least that’s what the user manual says.
Talma: They must have disabled that device then. I have never seen an eight year American Presidency on Mother Earth with so many lies and so much division. That teleprompter must be made in China, like all stuff on Mother Earth. Only the Russian teleprompters are truthful by comparison. At least there they say what they mean and do what they say.
Pasha: Remember that Russian Reset Button that Clinton gave them with that big smile? The Russians made Russian dolls of it and every time you pick it up another doll pops up and screams “Njet!”
Mars Man: Any idea who wins the American elections this time?
Elmer: I hope it is not Clinton because she would continue the Obama ruin of America and may encourage the Russians and Chinese to come to Mars. She has only played politics and run nothing but the state department although she was never there. Even during Benghazi she was somewhere nobody wants to talk about, and she destroyed all her relevant government emails. But nobody bothers, because she is a woman and must be treated with respect that males don’t get.
Shamus: If I were an American, I would elect somebody with steel in his blood and no nonsense talk. Like that General Petraeus. But the American general electorate has a negative IQ and only wants celebrities, like a first black or a first woman, like their soaps, without thinking what harm their administrations will do to their country.
Talma: Would nobody care for somebody to get America back on its feet? After all, it’s the only country that once was considered exceptional. Six years of Obama have completely obliterated that.
Huda: I would vote for Jeb. He has gravitas in his face and can correct what the other Bushes did wrong. And he speaks Spanish with a Hispanic accent, so he can relate to the Spanish speaking part of the USA. Grows by the day. Only problem is that most of these newcomers are illiterate, even in Spanish. They might just vote for Clinton when she hollers I will give you more dinero. Because that’s the only English they understand. Her husband says she can scream very loud.
Pasha: I would like Carla Fiorina better. There’s a woman who knows how to manage. Got from secretary to the top of Hewlett Packard. Biggest merger ever, with Compact. She can put that Clinton ten times in her pocket. And she will know how to deal with that Obamacare computer that goes flat whenever you have a heart attack or tummy cramps.
Mars Man: So far, nobody has taken a stand on something substantial, like the religious murders and ethnic cleansing that is going on in the Middle East. Media and people in America raise their voices in a huge chorus and destroy property for racial issues on the street but I see no protest marches about these religious murders, Christians, Jews, all over again. That current man in the white house only talks about the Crusades and how bad Christians were then, one thousand years ago. But Muslims were bad then too and killed thousands because they did not want to convert. That’s why the Crusaders went in, and that Husain fellow does not want to say that’s what they should do again. Only that Wisconsin governor has made a comment that the Iran deal is a bad one and that he would screw it back.
Huda: Yeah, but he is only a governor.
Talma: So? At least he stopped the socialists, moved the state from red into black, and was twice re-elected.
Elmer: So was the current socialist tenant of the white house, and he increased the debt by more than all former presidents combined, did nothing to get the economy going, still tepid after six years of stimulus and what have you, and a substantial decline in the labor participation rate. They say that unemployment is 5.5 percent but actual unemployment is 10.6 percent.
Pasha: Thus, by your rationale, those state elections are not comparable to national elections?
Elmer: Exactly, because at the national level the dumb electorate is exponentially bigger and is supported by the national media that lives on them.
Mars Man: In other words, hold your breath. That’s a fearful outlook for the USA and Mother Earth.
Dear viewers, see you next time.
DO YOU REMEMBER MARS MAN’S PARODY FROM 3 YEARS AGO AFTER NETANYAHU CAME TO WASHINGTON?
I snubbed him when he came to talk to us
I sent party ops to unseat him
I am befriending my enemy and his
I dismissed my people’s worries and theirs
I lied about Benghazi
I lied about healthcare
I lied about the IRS
I lied about the red line
I fomented blue and red
I incited black and white
I told my underlings to lie
I did away with transparency
I emaciated my military
I widened my open borders
I wasted billions of dollars
and still plea for higher taxes
I downgraded my country
I downgraded our trust
I downgraded our prosperity
I downgraded our constitution
Dear Father, I had no scandals in my presidency, what is my penitence?
Mars City TV is suddenly in uproar. Mars Man and his team are watching Mother Earth’s TV signals in astonishment. General Petraeus states on Omaha TV that the US Military have taken over the White House!
Dear Americans: After long deliberations and following increasingly aggravating presidential decision-making, gravely damaging the safety and well-being of the United States of America and its citizens, and after conferring with the US Founding Fathers in Heaven, the Military have found it necessary to depose President Obama and relieve him from his functions, first of all Commander in Chief. The President is currently under house arrest in Hawai and is only allowed to play golf. Air Force One has been repatriated by the Air Force.
To restore the foundation of the United States, the following are the main decisions taken:
- General Petraeus will head a temporary government to maintain critical services. This temporary government will stay in place until an interim president is appointed. This interim president will stay in office until the elections of 2016.
- On national policy, the Secretaries of the State Department, Defense, Justice, Homeland Security, Treasury, Interior, Energy and the EPA have been relieved of their functions. They will be replaced by senior military officers. Only critical personnel will remain in office. General Petraeus will be in charge of Defense and run the temporary government from there. The White House will be closed.
- FBI, The Secret Service and the CIA have aligned themselves with the Military Government and will continue their functions. So will the police.
- Curfew will be in place from Christmas Eve through January 2 from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.
- Protest marches will not be tolerated. Military personnel and police will be patrolling the streets to keep order. Every person disrespecting the order will be arrested and imprisoned for an indefinite time, and be fed only water and bread.
- The mayor of New York and Mr. Al Sharpton have been arrested for disturbing the national order and are placed under house arrest indefinitely. Sharpton will also be forced to pay all his taxes due. Mr. Jesse Jackson has been advised not to show up instead.
- Rudy Giuliani has agreed to replace De Blasio until a new mayor is elected in the future.
- Congress is requested to stay home for the time being as they are not doing anything useful anyway. The Capitol has been put under military control.
- Corporate taxes have been halved. Foreign assets may be repatriated without penalty if reinvested in the United States.
- Obamacare has been put in abeyance pending a critical review of its dysfunctional elements. Previous healthcare insurance policies may be reinstated.
- The IRS has been placed under military control. All officers – either in function or retired – tainted by the IRS scandals have been put under house arrest without pay. All tapes are being released.
- During the curfew period, only NPR will be allowed to be in the air, both radio and TV, and will provide all interim government information but dissenting liberal comments will not be tolerated. In addition, radio will play only Christian music and TV shows will consist of Big Bird and Masterpiece Theater. NPR will show the movie “The Interview” forthwith.
- On foreign policy, the nuclear sites of North Korea and Iran were destroyed overnight. Cuba relations will remain as before and President Obama’s opening to that criminal government has been rescinded.
- Construction of the Keystone Pipeline from Canada will start immediately.
- Russia has been told that all its external finances in the USA have been blocked. Any further invasion of Ukraine will entail immediate military response. Increased US oil production will further derail the ruble. Similarly, no other expansion to free neighboring states formerly under the USSR will be tolerated
- China has been informed not to use this interim situation to expand its hemisphere in the Far East. US warships are in place near the China Sea. Any interference will lead to increasing tariffs and taxes on Chinese goods and all Christmas returns will be sent back to Beijing COD.
- All political correctness will be disbanded. Terrorists are terrorists, Islam will not anymore be called a peaceful religion until the Middle-Eastern nations will rise up and fight their own terrorists and beat them.
- All funding of Palestine has been suspended until it stops terrorism.
- Israel will receive full US support. Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS will be fought with all might.
- Taxes on oil revenues and cigarettes will be earmarked to repay the US foreign debt as of today.
Other information will follow as the interim government actions will unfold.
Mars Man, trying desperately to reach Kathryn in Omaha, to his team at the Mars TV studio: This is unprecedented!
Shamus: I’ve seen it coming. Unavoidable.
Huda: I’ll miss seeing Michelle in her night gown!
Pasha: I can’t stand Big Bird!
Elmer: Go look at war movies by Oliver North on Fox.
Mars Man to Kathryn, after finally having made contact with her: What’s going on?
Kathryn: Apart from NPR, we are the only TV station allowed to operate. Everyone in the USA is in deep shock, but a majority of the people are very happy with the military take-over. The Government of the USA had reached rock-bottom and the country was falling apart.
Mars Man: any news from Mr. Obama?
Kathryn: Insiders tell me he doesn’t seem aware that anything happened as he is stuck at his eighteenth hole.
Mars Man: What happened to North Korea?
Kathryn: As far as we know, the US bombed their nuclear sites to smithereens. Kim is reportedly in tears because he can’t watch porn on the internet anymore. My panel has shrunk to two persons. Bob Demmofool has fled to Mexico and was promptly incarcerated for carrying a loaded gun. If past experience is any guide, we won’t see him back. Charles is here.
Charles: Washington D.C. is like a grave yard. Nobody around. All restaurants are closed. Police has finally a quiet time as protests were banned. The White House is dark. Nobody is interested to jump the fences anymore.
Paul Turnmeon: The sad thing is that the parades have been canceled. No sexy girls will be seen this time.
Kathryn: It’s closing time here now. No 24/7 TV anymore. People must read at least one good book per week. All guns will be banned from kid movies. Donald Duck and Micky Mouse are back again. I think we will return to the good old days of yesterday. Progressive Liberalism has failed completely and brought us to near-complete disaster. We will get back to you when we can in the New Year.
Mars Man: This gives us some rest! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too!
Omaha TV’s Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is on and according to Nielson’s, millions of viewers check in. Charming and lovely Kathryn comes on screen, as does her panel, this time enhanced by special envoys from Mars, Shamus Econometricus and Huda Seksibombah from Mars City.
Kathryn: Dear viewers, these are special days for all of us in the USA. And while this may be so, our friends and enemies on and off Mother Earth and beyond are watching astonished how our people burn other people’s properties and destroy their livelihoods, just because they want revenge for a legal procedure that didn’t satisfy their desired outcome. Our diverse panel, to which we welcome Shamus, Mars’s On-the-other-Hand economist and Huda, Mars’s phenomenal beauty queen and primary journalist, will provide you with their expert opinions from Mars City TV. Let me start with Mars Man, your point of view, please.
Mars Man: In one word: appalling. What surprises me most is that this still occurs in the USA with 50 million people on food stamps, not having to pay income tax, and enjoying free Obama cell phones. What can they be so unhappy about?
Kathryn: good question. Let’s ask Bob Demmofool, representative of the Very Democratic Party.
Bob Demmofool: It’s all the Reagan’s and the Bush’s fault. They were promising a City on a Hill, One Thousand Points of Lights, and American Compassion that only resulted in more racial segregation and more lower class. At least President Obama tried to reinvigorate those empty slogans with Hope and Change, and give it content by ordering amnesty for 5 million illegals.
Huda Seksibombah: But those illegals are all people from South America and will take jobs away from your African-Americans!
Fred Miserable: Precisely, you hit it on the nail. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, both in their blackmailed million dollar suits, should jump the fence of the White House and protest against its immigration follies.
Kathryn: I’m sure Shamus Econometricus can shed some light on these discrepancies.
Shamus: Sure, Kathryn, and let me first thank you for being invited to your show. On Mars, everybody pays a flat tax, even babies do. The first protester in the street, if we had one, would be arrested and jailed with a heavy fine, and the next one would be sent to a hard labor camp on the Moon, and so on. That stops it right in the butt. People know this and therefore only protest peacefully, if they do. On Mother Earth, leaders are too afraid to show their teeth and get run over.
Bob: Shamus’s economics won’t work here with our President who stands for black panther supremacy, the frequent voting act, and the free protesting act no questions asked. That’s how it should be and this is the will of the people, as they elected him, twice I may say.
Charlene Knowitall: How can that be the will of the people? What people? Even shops owned by black people were burned!
Bob: It’s all the fault of the police and the national guard. If they’d stayed home, nothing would’ve happened. People would’ve been bored and gone home as there wouldn’t be anybody to start a fight with.
Huda Seksibombah: I don’t believe a word of that, it would only have gotten worse. They should’ve sent in female troops in miniskirts, and all your protesters would’ve been in shock-and-awe and done nothing but gawking. That’s how we solve street problems.
Marlene Femenazi: We on earth don’t allow women to be used as political sex symbols. That’s why we elect types like Pelosi, Landrieu, or Hillary: all women that inflict men with instant ED. Violent protestors are always dumb males and should be scooped up and sent to prisons with female guards using wonder women whips, and beating them every time they dare open their mouth.
Paul Turnmeon: I would love to be in such a prison!
Kathryn: It seems that our panel has exhausted this subject. Let’s bring discussions back to a proper level: where do we stand with the various political scandals? Mars Man, your view from Mars City?
Mas Man: The crooks of the matter is that you have too many crooks. Your tax processors are crooks. Your Foreign Affairs people handling Benghazi are crooks. Your White House is full of crooks. Your Health people are devious crooks. The Justice Department is full of crooks. Veteran Affairs is full of crooks. Your EPA alarmists spinning natural disaster because of CO2 are crooks, etcetera etcetera. I’ve never witnessed on Mother Earth an Administration so full of crooks. The most transparent they said they’d be. And then your press. The most crooked press ever. Your journalism is dead. Nobody reports the truth anymore except one or two journals and one TV station, and they are called right-wing conspirators. Everything is tweaked and spun double-crooked. What you need is a total sweep, but I am afraid you will never get it because there are too many crooked voters loving crooked freebies.
Kathryn: Bob Demmofool, do you see it that way, too?
Bob: This is the biggest BS -beep! – I’ve ever heard…
Mars Man (interrupts) : Did you mean WTF- beep, perhaps?…
…Bob continues: We the People are in full force to transform America. It’s the old way of life, such as proper marriage, hard work and decent living that are the slogans of the real crooks that subdued the people and held back everybody. We elect progressive people from Gomorrah, the modernized world, who know what world the people want and how to create it for them.
Mars Man: Even if your elections proved otherwise?
Bob: Only one third voted. Two thirds stayed home, just to make the point they agreed with the President’s policies.
Mars Man: Or perhaps because they didn’t agree but didn’t want to say so openly? Fear they might be audited by your IRS?
Henriette Forgetmenot: On Mars they always know better. It’s high-time NASA restarts its Mars Reconnaisance program and brings some sapience to that planet.
Huda: Henriette, we only allow people with higher than average IQ and Monroe or Tarzan body shape, and none of you down there, especially not people like you and Bob, qualify, and will be catapulted right back into space to enjoy free fall and free lunch paid by your tax payers.
Kathryn: Dear panel, let’s avoid entering into spatial warfare. Mars Man, I give you the last word.
Mars Man: We on Mars believe America is intrinsically strong, the Russians are perverts, Europe, fixated on the welfare state, is a cry baby neglecting its security, hiding under the American skirt while lamenting it isn’t doing enough, the Middle East is still in the Middle Ages and will remain there for the next centuries, China is belligerent because it has too many people but can’t lose America as it would go broke, Iran is a religious bully and very dangerous if not contained, suppressing its centuries’ old intellect to its ultimate detriment, and South-America is just fence-hopping South-America, but if America doesn’t clean up its act, it will go the same way as the rest of Mother Earth: to smithereens in space.
Kathryn: That sounds like a nice Christmas card, Mars Man! Thanks to you viewers, on Mother Earth and Mars, for tuning into our show. See you all next time!