Omaha TV’s Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is on and according to Nielson’s, millions of viewers check in. Charming and lovely Kathryn comes on screen, as does her panel, this time enhanced by special envoys from Mars, Shamus Econometricus and Huda Seksibombah from Mars City.
Kathryn: Dear viewers, these are special days for all of us in the USA. And while this may be so, our friends and enemies on and off Mother Earth and beyond are watching astonished how our people burn other people’s properties and destroy their livelihoods, just because they want revenge for a legal procedure that didn’t satisfy their desired outcome. Our diverse panel, to which we welcome Shamus, Mars’s On-the-other-Hand economist and Huda, Mars’s phenomenal beauty queen and primary journalist, will provide you with their expert opinions from Mars City TV. Let me start with Mars Man, your point of view, please.
Mars Man: In one word: appalling. What surprises me most is that this still occurs in the USA with 50 million people on food stamps, not having to pay income tax, and enjoying free Obama cell phones. What can they be so unhappy about?
Kathryn: good question. Let’s ask Bob Demmofool, representative of the Very Democratic Party.
Bob Demmofool: It’s all the Reagan’s and the Bush’s fault. They were promising a City on a Hill, One Thousand Points of Lights, and American Compassion that only resulted in more racial segregation and more lower class. At least President Obama tried to reinvigorate those empty slogans with Hope and Change, and give it content by ordering amnesty for 5 million illegals.
Huda Seksibombah: But those illegals are all people from South America and will take jobs away from your African-Americans!
Fred Miserable: Precisely, you hit it on the nail. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, both in their blackmailed million dollar suits, should jump the fence of the White House and protest against its immigration follies.
Kathryn: I’m sure Shamus Econometricus can shed some light on these discrepancies.
Shamus: Sure, Kathryn, and let me first thank you for being invited to your show. On Mars, everybody pays a flat tax, even babies do. The first protester in the street, if we had one, would be arrested and jailed with a heavy fine, and the next one would be sent to a hard labor camp on the Moon, and so on. That stops it right in the butt. People know this and therefore only protest peacefully, if they do. On Mother Earth, leaders are too afraid to show their teeth and get run over.
Bob: Shamus’s economics won’t work here with our President who stands for black panther supremacy, the frequent voting act, and the free protesting act no questions asked. That’s how it should be and this is the will of the people, as they elected him, twice I may say.
Charlene Knowitall: How can that be the will of the people? What people? Even shops owned by black people were burned!
Bob: It’s all the fault of the police and the national guard. If they’d stayed home, nothing would’ve happened. People would’ve been bored and gone home as there wouldn’t be anybody to start a fight with.
Huda Seksibombah: I don’t believe a word of that, it would only have gotten worse. They should’ve sent in female troops in miniskirts, and all your protesters would’ve been in shock-and-awe and done nothing but gawking. That’s how we solve street problems.
Marlene Femenazi: We on earth don’t allow women to be used as political sex symbols. That’s why we elect types like Pelosi, Landrieu, or Hillary: all women that inflict men with instant ED. Violent protestors are always dumb males and should be scooped up and sent to prisons with female guards using wonder women whips, and beating them every time they dare open their mouth.
Paul Turnmeon: I would love to be in such a prison!
Kathryn: It seems that our panel has exhausted this subject. Let’s bring discussions back to a proper level: where do we stand with the various political scandals? Mars Man, your view from Mars City?
Mas Man: The crooks of the matter is that you have too many crooks. Your tax processors are crooks. Your Foreign Affairs people handling Benghazi are crooks. Your White House is full of crooks. Your Health people are devious crooks. The Justice Department is full of crooks. Veteran Affairs is full of crooks. Your EPA alarmists spinning natural disaster because of CO2 are crooks, etcetera etcetera. I’ve never witnessed on Mother Earth an Administration so full of crooks. The most transparent they said they’d be. And then your press. The most crooked press ever. Your journalism is dead. Nobody reports the truth anymore except one or two journals and one TV station, and they are called right-wing conspirators. Everything is tweaked and spun double-crooked. What you need is a total sweep, but I am afraid you will never get it because there are too many crooked voters loving crooked freebies.
Kathryn: Bob Demmofool, do you see it that way, too?
Bob: This is the biggest BS -beep! – I’ve ever heard…
Mars Man (interrupts) : Did you mean WTF- beep, perhaps?…
…Bob continues: We the People are in full force to transform America. It’s the old way of life, such as proper marriage, hard work and decent living that are the slogans of the real crooks that subdued the people and held back everybody. We elect progressive people from Gomorrah, the modernized world, who know what world the people want and how to create it for them.
Mars Man: Even if your elections proved otherwise?
Bob: Only one third voted. Two thirds stayed home, just to make the point they agreed with the President’s policies.
Mars Man: Or perhaps because they didn’t agree but didn’t want to say so openly? Fear they might be audited by your IRS?
Henriette Forgetmenot: On Mars they always know better. It’s high-time NASA restarts its Mars Reconnaisance program and brings some sapience to that planet.
Huda: Henriette, we only allow people with higher than average IQ and Monroe or Tarzan body shape, and none of you down there, especially not people like you and Bob, qualify, and will be catapulted right back into space to enjoy free fall and free lunch paid by your tax payers.
Kathryn: Dear panel, let’s avoid entering into spatial warfare. Mars Man, I give you the last word.
Mars Man: We on Mars believe America is intrinsically strong, the Russians are perverts, Europe, fixated on the welfare state, is a cry baby neglecting its security, hiding under the American skirt while lamenting it isn’t doing enough, the Middle East is still in the Middle Ages and will remain there for the next centuries, China is belligerent because it has too many people but can’t lose America as it would go broke, Iran is a religious bully and very dangerous if not contained, suppressing its centuries’ old intellect to its ultimate detriment, and South-America is just fence-hopping South-America, but if America doesn’t clean up its act, it will go the same way as the rest of Mother Earth: to smithereens in space.
Kathryn: That sounds like a nice Christmas card, Mars Man! Thanks to you viewers, on Mother Earth and Mars, for tuning into our show. See you all next time!