REMEMBER THIS BLOG OF 3 YEARS AGO? ONE READER PULLED IT UP AGAIN.
HOW FUNNY DOES THIS READ TO-DAY?
The Hullahoo Bar is crammed with patrons at the counter. Ted, Frank and their regular raucous friends crowd around the half-circle, arguing testily.
“Yes,” Ted says. “I am writing a new book titled ‘Killing Deep Throat’. I’m fed up with this DC bureaucracy boiling up all this crap. I’m going to drain that swamp with the successful Killing Libido Pill and write how we did it.”
“You mean if you suck out all the libido from the system you actually will stop it from regurgitating hatred, obstruction, resistance and fake news?” Frank roared, laughing.
“Exactly,” Ted confirms. “You saw the results of my KLP book: the anti-viagra virus. Much better than that stuff about aging young. Tell me, you guys, don’t you feel relieved after taking the KLP, that you don’t have that urge anymore to go after women ?”
“I give you that,” Bert says. “But how do you apply that to killing ‘Deep Throat’?”
“I have researched it in-depth,” Ted explains. “Deep-throat people are the ones that constitute the metacenter of the swamp. They are all sexually frustrated by ED, inability to perform in bed or having to fake it, and jealous of men that are successful with women or women successful with men. Just look at the mainstream media anchors, always a man and a woman, each competing for being the most obnoxious gofer on the screen. If the guy takes the KLP, he instantly loses his drive to be more obnoxious than the female anchor.”
“But then you’d be left with those pesky females and nothing would change,” Bert says.
“The female anchor will lose her nerve because she’d feel she is no longer pursued. That frustrates her natural instincts. Look at our female friends here, how annoyed and inoperative they are because they get no free beers or Martinis anymore. True, Angie?”
“Don’t put me on the spot, Ted KLP,” Angie retorts. “All that gallantry you guys were displaying was only with one purpose in mind and that’s bedding me or her.”
“How would you impose that KLP on anchors?” Henry of The Washington Post asks.
“By mixing it in their coffee machines,” Ted says. “We have an army of paid KLP operators that serve these studios, government and newspaper offices. You don’t drink coffee? No problem, they mix it in the watercoolers. Just watch your offices at the Post, Henry. Don’t feel that horny anymore? You may already have been swallowing KLP.”
“And who pays for that?” Cindy asks, always on the money.
“The National Health Institute,” Ted says. “They have a stake in the matter because the growing political divide in the US is ruining the country’s national health and sharply increasing Medicaid and Medicare costs for psychiatric care and domestic disputes. We’re expanding into the FBI, the Justice Department, even the Defense Department and the catacombs of the White House. You will soon hear that that FBI lover couple will disband because that stork guy has been klpeed and the whole case will come tumbling down.”
“This is pure subversion of democracy,” Henry says. “I’ll expose you and your group as undermining the Me 2 movement, the new platform of the Democrat party.”
“What nonsense,” Ted balks. “You mean I undercut Me 2 if I KLpee the guys they’re fighting, the Weismans, Roses, Lauers and Cosbys? You mean that to remain relevant M2 needs these guys back into the limelight somewhere so that they can continue barking at them?”
“Precisely,” Henry says. “Your group must emanate from the right that opposes sinful movements. Me 2 welcomes freedom.”
“What has that got to do with Killing Deep Throat, Ted?” asks Frank.
“I’m positive that all this political wrangling is sex-related,” Ted says. “Why is the special prosecutor so interested in that playboy girl instead of that silly Russian collusion? I’m sure that if we klpee him he and his case would disintegrate.”
Henry slammed his fist on the counter. “I oppose that because it would destroy all the media fun.”
“You see?” Alicia yelps across the counter. “You perverts only like to write about porn to sell your paper and you don’t care a fig about making America great again.”
“Hah!” Henry yells back. “We write it because you want to read it, and if we wrote only about the low unemployment rate you wouldn’t buy the paper.”
Ted scoffs. “Watch your Keurig coffeemaker, Henry. Soon you’ll be only interested in writing about the unemployment rate.”
VIEWS FROM AN ALIEN
Truth is in the eye of the beholder. And if the beholder is an illusionist, it becomes fantassissimo. Not truth over facts, but invisible truth.
When I watched snippets of the speech, the eyes seemed beholden to the teleprompter. Some good speechwriters had filled it with illusions. They spoke of light versus darkness. Does anybody down on Planet Earth remember George Walker Bush’s 1000 points of lights in 1989? And when the great speaker ended with “For love is more powerful than hate. Hope is more powerful than Fear. Light is more powerful than dark”, did your Canadian friends not immediately say, hey that’s what Jack Layton, Canada’s left leader, said on his death bed in 2011? And did Ronald Reagon not speak of his vision of a “shining city on a hill” in his farewell address in 1989?
Bush lost (thanks to your dapper independent Ross Perot), despite his 1000 points of lights.
And what about the illusionist’s dark? Your California goes dark in wildfires because they apply the proposals of the Green New Deal. Portland and Seatle are burning in the dark because of out of control riots on behalf of a stolen protest about police brutality. All dark places led by democrat leaders who want to kill law and order as you know it. But that’s light for your illusionist.
Does that make you feel good? That seemed to have been the goal of the speechwriters, making you feel good. Mister nice guy opposed to the hate-spraying racist occupant of the White House who has been spreading COVID-19 amidst the innocent Americans.
Since when do speeches decide elections? On Mars, we debate until we see stars and stripes (that’s why you see those meteor showers). But on the US of Planet Earth, your illusionist bets that by making you believe that he is debating while hiding in his basement, you actually see and hear him debating. In front of a muted TV screen showing the occupant talking?
But seriously, what would the situation be if COVID-19 had stayed in China? You had your best times for 3 plus years after eight monotonous humdrum new normal Obama years during which the illusionist managed to do little more than feasting on Ukraine gas with sonny Hunter and ending up participating in corrupting the presidential transition process. Not a good prelude for a successful retaking of the White House. So COVID-19 became the deus ex machina for the democrats. They seem to hope the whole country gets sick and only they stay alive to save you.
And would China not feel good listening to Google’s translation of the speech? We bet they are. No word about China’s corruption of the World Health Organization, leaking COVID-19 worldwide to disrupt Earth’s economy, or Trump putting the breaks on Chinese malfeasance. The illusionist called that racist, reactionary, and xenophobia. He wants to bring China back into the international community of developing nations and offer them tariff-free reentry to the U.S. market so that you all feel good making things together – together in quotes of course.
Here on Mars, we wonder why so many Americans want to do so much bad to their country. What happened to your folks?
We know that NASA has sent its Perseverance Rover to Mars to land in February 2021. That’s fine with us. We will let it scrape the hard soil, but you won’t find us. Mars City is underground, a shiny city full of light. We draw our energy from the sun, but we won’t tell you how. If we did, China would steal it from you when the illusionist becomes president.
All the best,
Auntie Pillowski talks to the Friends at the virtual Hullahoo Bar. The Friends now communicate via Skype, drinking home-delivered beer, as Jason, the bartender has set up a carry-out and delivery service. The Friends asked Auntie Pillowski to come online to clarify pending corona questions and surprisingly, Auntie Pillowski accepted. The Friends arranged to talk by “tour de role,” talking by turn as agreed. As is custom, moderator Frank starts.
Frank: “Dear Auntie, this is Frank. We are so pleased that you take part in our drinks. We regret we can’t send you a beer online, but we know you have lots of your own brand within reach. One burning question: Why did you fly in a hurry from San Francisco to Washington to block the CARES bill?”
Auntie Pillowski: “The Senate bill was for the rich. The House has a better use for the people’s money. Democrats are for the poor unemployed worker, not for the wealthy CEOs.”
Frank: “But Auntie, the troubled small businesses and unemployed had to wait a long week for you to approve the Senate bill because you wanted to add money for the Kennedy Center. Do you ever go there?”
Auntie: “I work day and night for the American People. When I have time I put on a CD. We added critical improvements to the Bill.”
Melissa: “Auntie, this is Melissa, a true supporter of your party. You look so beautiful and your hair is so wonderful. How do you do that? My hairdresser is closed and my hair feels like a mop as you can see.”
Auntie: “Bernie Sanders proposes a Free Haircare Solution run by the Government and Joe Biden will follow suit. If you vote Democratic, you only have to push a button on your computer and a hairdresser paid for by the government will be at your doorstep in no time to make you beautiful again.”
Maria: “This is Maria, Auntie, an independent leaning Democrat. If re-elected, would you also vote for Bernie’s Free Gas Bill?”
Auntie: ” In The Green New Deal farmers must collect gas from all cows through tubes that will be fed into the distribution system for free, so soon you will have free government gas. Uncooperative farmers will pay a penalty tax under the Pillowski Gas Care Act that will supplement your gas bill.”
Cindy: “This is Cindy, Auntie. I am an independent leaning Republican. Why do the Democrats always obstruct sensible proposals by the Party in power?”
Auntie: “The power is with the American People and the Democratic Party has the popular vote. That means that our party has the power in the House, not the Republican Party, and surely not its dysfunctional president who in collusion with Russia stole Hillary’s votes. We know better.”
Cindy: “But Auntie, did the Mueller Report not say there was no collusion?”
Auntie: “The President was impeached, wasn’t he? Impeached forever.”
Fred: “This is Fred. I am a staunch Republican and MAGA man and take auntiedepressants after I listen to your speeches. Why are you always harping on Trump? So far you’ve lost all your cases against him and wasted millions of our painfully earned tax dollars for nops.”
Auntie: “Mr. Fred, don’t mess with me. Mute me next time and take another beer. I and my colleagues do the same when Trump does his rants. I represent half of America. That half believes the president is against gun control, against the Dreamers, against everything the Democrats stand for. Your half is un-American. We are for the Constitution, and President Trump is unconstitutional.”
Tom: “This is Tom, I’m like Fred. You and your Democrat Party are so adversarial. If you are so American, why can’t you guys simply agree to a rational extension of the Paycheck Protection Program, the PPP, as proposed? Why do you need to keep it hostage by adding stuff that won’t help the unemployed but only satisfies the exuberance of your auntiequated base?”
Auntie: “If the Republicans spend our tax dollars, we want to make sure that they’re spent for things we stand for. Spending is a bicameral process, though soon we will have the majority in both. You’ll see. That’ll make things easier.”
Ted: “This is Ted, I am a Libertarian. Not a Liberal. I’m a bread-and-butter fiscal conservative and appalled by the loss of wealth due to COVID-19 and the money needed to keep us afloat. The Democrats always add waste to the spending bill. Obama doubled the national debt. Our grandkids will pay the brunt. Would you do that with your own money?”
Auntie: “My husband takes care of our money, you’ll have to ask him. As a Democrat in the House, I spend the people’s money. If we run out, we just print more. My husband can’t do that. That’s why I like my job better.”
Caithlyn: “Auntie, this is Caithlyn. I’m the last one in the line. I am an independent too but a rational one. I vote for rational politicians and not irrational ones. In my view you’re irrational. You say you want proper oversight but all you do is undermining the administration with useless investigations. For rational people, this is an utter waste of time and money. Now again you want to start a probe into what the President knew and when on corona, while you and your consorts were impeaching him when it was starting, and calling him a racist and xenophobe when he shut off planes coming from China to stop COVID from getting worse.”
Auntie: “The American People should know what was done wrong and who is accountable. The president was fiddling – like Nero when Rome was burning – while people were dying.”
Frank: “Auntie, that’s so wrong and you know it. It sounds like another groundless witch hunt bound to fail. Are you still praying for the president during Easter?”
Auntie’s screen went blank.
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The Swamp Mars Man
Mars Man is invited by the FRIENDS at the Hullahoo Bar to discuss America and The Swamp.
Frank: “Welcome Mars. Great you could join our Hullahoo drinks. It’s good to hear your first name is where you come from and your family name means humankind. Interesting! Have a beer! I understand you drink the same stuff we do when you are in your earthly frame.”
Mars: “Yes, I do. Thanks for inviting me. Mars Man is my local ID. Katherine, my earthly wife from Nebraska, carries the same last name, and so do our two mixed-race boys who live here.”
Frank: “Exciting! Mars, all our friends here tonight are dying to have your views of current America. It has been an upsetting period for us all. How do you guys on Mars look at it?”
Mars Man: “As you know, Mars is a few light years ahead of Mother Earth so we do not connect all that well with your squabbles. They’re sort of Medieval to us, in your terms. Katherine and I consider your current state of affairs in dire straits, politically speaking. An oncoming trainwreck. An ominous debacle, like a meteor hitting you to smithereens, unless you cut the crap, using your language.”
Melissa: “Mars, how did you get here, are you an illegal Alien?”
Mars: “No Miss, I carry a green card. Katherine who you may know from Omaha TV owns a cornfield near Omaha, where I land with Mars Scooter One, but there is no border post.”
Mary: “How did you meet Katherine?”
Mars: “In the cornfield where I land. When I stepped out of Mars Scooter One, she was there, picking corn for dinner. As I changed into my human costume it was love at first sight.”
Mary: “Oh! That’s a wonderful love story!”
Frank: “So Mars, what crap do we have to cut?”
Mars: “To begin with, stop shooting yourself in the foot all the time. As soon as the U.S. elects its president, you start doing everything possible to make it impossible for that president to govern.”
Melissa: “And whose fault is that?”
Mars: “Your Swamp’s.”
Mary: “Forgive me, Mars, but can you help me with my gas bill?”
Fred: “Come on, Mary, ask your boyfriend or get the gas from the Swamp. You can smell it miles away. It’s gassing whole D.C. How do you define our Swamp, Mars?”
Mars: “Those who mind the store in the U.S. and want to stay in power, whether Democrats or NTs.”
Mars: “Never Trumpers. One is from Utah.”
Cindy: Will we ever get rid of the Swamp?”
Mars: “No. The Swamp has become a fixed part of the American scene. It’s there to stay. They are those who live behind your steep fences, thick oak doors, in luxury highrises, fashionable quarters of D.C., New York, L.A., and San Francisco.”
Melissa: “What do people on Mars think of our politics?”
Mars: “We don’t like that your politicians want to invade Mars. When you do, we’ll have a Made in China Virus waiting for you free of charge.”
Ted: “You wouldn’t welcome us? We just paid you a beer.”
Mars: “If you find a Martian wife, she may manage to sneak you in. But we have different bodies and use electrodes for sex, so to make one pregnant may not be easy for you.”
Caithlyn: “So what’s the trainwreck, Mars?”
Mars: “Bernie Sanders will be elected President because he gives everybody a free lunch, and when the money is up, you guys have to pay all that back and live on a basic salary that won’t be enough to have a beer.”
Melissa: “That just seems fine to me. I like socialism. Everybody in the same boat, no jealousy of the Jones’s. Why is that a trainwreck?”
Mars: Because everybody will be miserable, except those in power, and everyone who protests against the government will be imprisoned in gulags or retraining camps.”
Caithlyn: “But that is Marxist. Communist. Americans are not like that.”
Mars: “Bernie is, and many voting Americans think he’s the greatest mind who’s ever set foot on Earth.”
Frank: “A horrible prediction, Mars. How can you be so sure?”
Mars: “It’s been written on the wall. Bloomberg will be Bernie’s vassal because he couldn’t get elected. In compensation, Bloomberg will combine and lead State, Treasury, and Defense all together, like his company, and join hands with China where he got all his money. No trade wars anymore, and China will take over your market with Bloomberg owning a main share. This way they will outmaneuver Russia, Bernie’s former buddies. Bernie wouldn’t need money for Tomahawks anymore, and can spend it all on free university and Medicare for All.”
Frank: “Why would Bernie do that? He went to Moscow on honeymoon.”
Mars: “Putin double-crossed him with a cyber attack on his FeelTheBern. com site after Bernie scolded Putin for meddling in the US elections to support Hillary and accused Putin of over the top militarism.”
Tom: “And what happens to us?”
Mars: “You’ll all be equal, eat kale, cauliflower, spinach, or some stale Chinese carry-outs, drink no beer and only small sodas. Cable news is gone as all news will be democrat state news, which is not much different from today. All former anchors and TV prima donnas will be sent to retraining camps and their overpaid salaries confiscated to pay for the student debt.”
Mary: “But what would you do with Katherine and the boys?”
Mars: “We have an undisclosed location in the Caribbean where only I can land. Katherine and the boys will be self-sufficient there, even if Mother Earth goes to pot.”
Jason enters with a platter of new beers. “Hi everyone, this is offered for free by Bernie Sanders. But you must vote for him. Any takers?”
Melissa: “I’ll have one, thanks.”
Mary: “Me too, I take anything that’s free.”
Jason: “But you must sign your name on this ballot. Any more?”
Frank: “We’ll pay for them, Jason, as long as we can.”
The Friends are back from winter sport, year-end festivities, dinners by candlelight, romance and family gatherings at the Christmas tree and the fireplace. All are in a good mood to face the challenges of 2020. Of course, like everybody else, they are bewildered about how wildly Congress spends their tax dollars on wasteful politics.
Frank: “Let’s do a game. I name a person or a subject, and each of you typifies it. Here we go: “Impeachment.” Melissa, you first.”
Melissa: “Protection of the Constitution. Nobody is above the law.”
Frank: “Any nobody in particular?”
Melissa: “Trump, of course.”
Cindy: “What did he do above the law?”
Melissa: “Omit asking Congress permission to talk to Zelensky and when he did anyway he undermined Biden’s credibility for his political benefit.”
Frank: “Mary, is that ‘above the law’?”
Mary: “I don’t give a hoot. I don’t like people listening in to my telephone calls in the first place to tell the world what I said, blame me for something, and then take me to court. To me, that’s above the law.”
Caitlyn: “I agree. Congress has been trying to impeach for three years, and set up a spy ring in the White House, doing everything to find something they could finally impeach Trump for. That’s political spying on the White House and that’s above the law.”
Frank: Next one, whistleblower? Mary?”
Mary: “A windbag! A traitor. He won’t pay my gas bill with his tricks. This guy was a dirty CIA spy. Trump now knows he can’t trust anybody working with him. How is he going to talk to any world leader now?”
Fred: “What’s a whistleblower? Someone who blows up something. He did but for what good.”
Melissa: “He brought abuse of power to light, Fred.”
Fred: “Abuse? If somebody in your office secretly worked to undermine your career, wouldn’t you request your personnel officer to dig into that? I would!”
Melissa: “In Trump’s case, that’s election fraud.”
Caitlyn: “What about the Democrat senators who contributed to Burisma gas? And the Obama administration supporting Ukrainian gas and blocking ours?”
Frank: “Good point, Caitlyn. Next one: ‘Shifty Shiff’. Ted, you haven’t said anything so far. Go!”
Ted: ” ‘Slimy Schiff’. Ever seen such a face? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, wonderful couple, with Schumer as their godfather granddad. LA has become a swamp.”
Melissa: “Wrong. I was there last week. Everybody lives happily together, rich and poor, rags to riches.”
Jason enters with a plate full of beer. “I heard that, Melissa. What about the poop on your doorstep?”
Frank: “Okay, next one: ‘The Impeachment Process.’ Cindy, you’re a lawyer, what’s your take?”
Cindy: “A Ramshackle. These so-called House prosecutors would be laughed out of my courtroom. The requirements are ‘treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.’ They couldn’t come up with any arguments to support these crimes. So they made up their own. So it’s doomed to fail.”
Ted: “Ukraine is a murky country, least developed, one of the worst corruption cases on the Richter scale. When it seceded from the USSR at its collapse, it did not get rid of the stereotype Russian corruption.”
Caitlyn: “Still, Obama gave them soft military aid. Why wouldn’t we make sure that our tax dollars are going to be used efficiently and for the purpose intended, in particular, if you give them more money with lethal aid?”
Frank: “Right. And what had those Bidens to do with all that tax money? They were in the midst of the corruption business, as Biden eminently displayed on TV. If there was any quid pro quo it’s that one.”
Ted: “The Democrat party has lowered the bar for impeachment to a political football. What will happen if Biden gets elected?”
Cindy: “Obvious. The Republicans will impeach him for Quid Pro Quo on day one.”
Frank: “There you go. So, what about Rudy Juliani? Melissa?”
Melissa: “An Ukrainian crook. Bolton called him an unpinned hand grenade ready to explode.”
Caitlyn: “Juliani’s statements on TV sound like a Vince Flynn novel. There’s a lot more dirt on the Ukrainian side than we ever want to know.”
Frank: “Does anyone want a presidential candidate who contributed our hard-earned tax dollars to Ukrainian crooks? Scream “yes” or “no”.
All friends, even Melissa, scream “No!”
(Confidential information: Melissa votes for Bernie Sanders…)
Frank: “Last question: Nicknames for Democrat candidates. We already have Pocahontes for Warner, Sleepy Joe for Biden, The Nutty Professor for Sanders, what about Buttiegek? Caitlyn?”
Caitlyn: “Bootiecrack? Bootiequack?”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiecrack? Say aye.”
A few say “Aye.”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiequack?”
An overwhelming “Aye.” The Friends hoist their glasses.
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