Auntie Pillowski talks to the Friends at the virtual Hullahoo Bar. The Friends now communicate via Skype, drinking home-delivered beer, as Jason, the bartender has set up a carry-out and delivery service. The Friends asked Auntie Pillowski to come online to clarify pending corona questions and surprisingly, Auntie Pillowski accepted. The Friends arranged to talk by “tour de role,” talking by turn as agreed. As is custom, moderator Frank starts.
Frank: “Dear Auntie, this is Frank. We are so pleased that you take part in our drinks. We regret we can’t send you a beer online, but we know you have lots of your own brand within reach. One burning question: Why did you fly in a hurry from San Francisco to Washington to block the CARES bill?”
Auntie Pillowski: “The Senate bill was for the rich. The House has a better use for the people’s money. Democrats are for the poor unemployed worker, not for the wealthy CEOs.”
Frank: “But Auntie, the troubled small businesses and unemployed had to wait a long week for you to approve the Senate bill because you wanted to add money for the Kennedy Center. Do you ever go there?”
Auntie: “I work day and night for the American People. When I have time I put on a CD. We added critical improvements to the Bill.”
Melissa: “Auntie, this is Melissa, a true supporter of your party. You look so beautiful and your hair is so wonderful. How do you do that? My hairdresser is closed and my hair feels like a mop as you can see.”
Auntie: “Bernie Sanders proposes a Free Haircare Solution run by the Government and Joe Biden will follow suit. If you vote Democratic, you only have to push a button on your computer and a hairdresser paid for by the government will be at your doorstep in no time to make you beautiful again.”
Maria: “This is Maria, Auntie, an independent leaning Democrat. If re-elected, would you also vote for Bernie’s Free Gas Bill?”
Auntie: ” In The Green New Deal farmers must collect gas from all cows through tubes that will be fed into the distribution system for free, so soon you will have free government gas. Uncooperative farmers will pay a penalty tax under the Pillowski Gas Care Act that will supplement your gas bill.”
Cindy: “This is Cindy, Auntie. I am an independent leaning Republican. Why do the Democrats always obstruct sensible proposals by the Party in power?”
Auntie: “The power is with the American People and the Democratic Party has the popular vote. That means that our party has the power in the House, not the Republican Party, and surely not its dysfunctional president who in collusion with Russia stole Hillary’s votes. We know better.”
Cindy: “But Auntie, did the Mueller Report not say there was no collusion?”
Auntie: “The President was impeached, wasn’t he? Impeached forever.”
Fred: “This is Fred. I am a staunch Republican and MAGA man and take auntiedepressants after I listen to your speeches. Why are you always harping on Trump? So far you’ve lost all your cases against him and wasted millions of our painfully earned tax dollars for nops.”
Auntie: “Mr. Fred, don’t mess with me. Mute me next time and take another beer. I and my colleagues do the same when Trump does his rants. I represent half of America. That half believes the president is against gun control, against the Dreamers, against everything the Democrats stand for. Your half is un-American. We are for the Constitution, and President Trump is unconstitutional.”
Tom: “This is Tom, I’m like Fred. You and your Democrat Party are so adversarial. If you are so American, why can’t you guys simply agree to a rational extension of the Paycheck Protection Program, the PPP, as proposed? Why do you need to keep it hostage by adding stuff that won’t help the unemployed but only satisfies the exuberance of your auntiequated base?”
Auntie: “If the Republicans spend our tax dollars, we want to make sure that they’re spent for things we stand for. Spending is a bicameral process, though soon we will have the majority in both. You’ll see. That’ll make things easier.”
Ted: “This is Ted, I am a Libertarian. Not a Liberal. I’m a bread-and-butter fiscal conservative and appalled by the loss of wealth due to COVID-19 and the money needed to keep us afloat. The Democrats always add waste to the spending bill. Obama doubled the national debt. Our grandkids will pay the brunt. Would you do that with your own money?”
Auntie: “My husband takes care of our money, you’ll have to ask him. As a Democrat in the House, I spend the people’s money. If we run out, we just print more. My husband can’t do that. That’s why I like my job better.”
Caithlyn: “Auntie, this is Caithlyn. I’m the last one in the line. I am an independent too but a rational one. I vote for rational politicians and not irrational ones. In my view you’re irrational. You say you want proper oversight but all you do is undermining the administration with useless investigations. For rational people, this is an utter waste of time and money. Now again you want to start a probe into what the President knew and when on corona, while you and your consorts were impeaching him when it was starting, and calling him a racist and xenophobe when he shut off planes coming from China to stop COVID from getting worse.”
Auntie: “The American People should know what was done wrong and who is accountable. The president was fiddling – like Nero when Rome was burning – while people were dying.”
Frank: “Auntie, that’s so wrong and you know it. It sounds like another groundless witch hunt bound to fail. Are you still praying for the president during Easter?”
Auntie’s screen went blank.
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