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ENCHANTÉ – THE FRIENDS ON HUGGING

The Hullahoo Bar is noisy with THE FRIENDS arguing loudly about America’s hugging frenzy.

“I hear one woman got pregnant from a Biden hug,” alleges Frank.

“Impossible,” counters Melissa. “She hadn’t washed her hair.”

“Why can’t we hug anymore?” Ted wonders. “All that’s left in today’s sex craze is hugging your pillow.”

“Ridiculous,” cries Fred. “When I went to my first prom, we hugged. At my second prom, we kissed. At my third, we did it in my car. At my fourth, we had a baby and still love each other.”

“Romance is out the door,” Cindy complains. “I feel it in the office. The guys look at me as if I’m enemy number one.”

“Can you imagine,” says Tom. “I like a girl in the office and what do I do not to get fired? How about saying, ‘Hey, I’m sentimental about you. May I please give you a hug?'”

“You might try having a coffee with her in the cafeteria and, while she is sipping her latte, text her the question first,” Céline suggests.

“What if she leaks my text to my boss, saying I sexually harassed her?” Tom asks.

“Tell him the Biden doctrine,” Céline advises. “It was never your intention to hug her sexually, only to empower her.”

“Empowering her for what?” Cindy scoffs. “A pretext for impregnating her?”

“See, that’s exactly what this Me Too movement is all about,” Frank says. “They weaponize the natural drive of human love to stop procreation.”

“How would the world survive with only Me Too women left on earth?” Ted asks, raising his arms in desperation.

“Easy,” Melissa says. “There are enough plentiful sperm banks to make babies. Me Too’s favored vibrator and babylube make up for the fun.”

“And what would the male babies do?” enquires Fred.

“Do like the priests,” Melissa says. “Celibacy and feed the sperm banks. Use sex dolls. What do you think they’re doing now?”

“That’s preposterous,” yells Frank. “Worse than Orwellian!”

“It would solve today’s sex craze,” Cindy agrees. “No more Biden or Trump jokes. No more Weinstein predators. And Kamala Harris wants to make prostitution legal.”

“Do you think that’s where the US is going?” Tom asks.

“That’s where the world is going,” Cindy says, prophesizing.

Nobody feels like finishing their drinks anymore.

“What if we go back to ‘Love makes the world go round,’ Cindy?” suggests Frank after the depressing silence.

Mary laughs. “Without love, the birdies would not sing this spring.”

“Damn Me Too!” Ted hollers, hammering on the counter. “Love cannot be killed or swept aside.”

“‘Cause we hear in our heartbeat a beautiful sound,'” follows Mary, her eyes lighting up.

“Cheers to love, Mary!” Frank shouts, raising his glass, and everybody does.

(with due credit to Deon Jackson and Jennifer Lopez).

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ENCHANTÉ – TALKING CHINA

  

Talking China: Some of you may remember Mars Man, Chief Anchor at Mars City TV, married to Kathryn of Omaha TV in a happy mixed extraterrestrial marriage. Mars Man visits Omaha TV regularly, landing in a nearby razed cornfield with Space Scooter  One. In view of all the current talk about trade negotiations with China, we repeat Mars Man’s visionary interview a year ago with Lu Kung Si, China’s Governor of the US, about the status of the former US, which is now a prosperous province of China, with the help of Bernie Sanders.

“Dear viewers, I am Kathryn Holliday, spouse of our dear Mars Man. Today we air Mars Man’s long-awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. We do not have permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview, but we do so on behalf of Mars TV. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:

Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day, you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing.”

Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese usually are more polite at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”

Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the US has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”

Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. No democracy or free speech here anymore.  One more and you are out the door.”

Mars Man: “How are you dealing with the US now that you have submitted it to your communist culture of serfdom?”

Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain freedom more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. We use American security systems, which we borrowed from the NSA, to control the Americans. Besides, we have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well-known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or been incarcerated for life.”

Mars Man: “That must discomfort many American citizens. On Mars, we are concerned about China’s militarism and aggressive totalitarian methods. After you have made the US your subsidiary, other countries of Planet Earth fear losing their freedom. We understand Europe is next.”

Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The US lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. Several are communist already. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. It was too late for Trump to stop that.”

Mars Man: “But your mercurial capitalist policies are pure state rule and make everyone unhappy.”

Lu: “You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the US.”

Mars Man: “But all your excess money is invested in your military.”

Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? A century ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the US, and Shanghai was made into an American brothel. We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”

Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen US technology?”

Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We only need to open NASA’s files to invade Mars, don’t forget that.”

“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question.”

“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know math. The American kids did not do their math to America’s peril. We must rule the world to protect China. ”

Mars Man: “On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom, and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say ‘Don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?’”

Lu: “That’s grossly taken out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: ‘The cautious never err.’ Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”

Mars Man: “I don’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”

Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as America did. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart.”

Mars Man: “Your child policy has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”

Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask. Remember our Rule 180437. Your former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one-child policy, so go and ask him.”

Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”

Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military gets them free. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”

Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they don’t work on our Mars bodies. Goodbye and see you next time.”

Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. OMAHA TV risks to be closed by the Chinese authorities for broadcasting this interview. Only NBC is still functioning with their communist staff under Chinese state control. Soon we will have to travel to Mars to get the real news.”

A blank screen appears.

 

 

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ENCHANTÉ – CROSS-LEGGED WIDE-LEGGED

Fred, Frank, Tom, and Ted sit at their usual place at the counter of the Hullahoo Bar for their Friday night drinks with friends and not-so friends. The subject is TV panels.

‘You ever notice how the female panelists always sit cross-legged?” Fred initiates.

“Yeah,” Frank responds. “You wonder how they avoid getting cramps. I’d like to see what they do with their legs during the commercials.”

“I bet some physical therapist comes by to rub their calves,” Tom says.

“You ask yourself why they’re always sitting cross-legged in unison,” Ted says. “Are they hiding something?”

“You ever noticed how the male panelists sit?” throws in Cindy. “Always wide-legged.”

“Oh, they do,” Melissa croons. “With their hands folded at the groin. I wonder if they’re hiding something, too.”

“And some are thumbing their fingers at the same time while they’re pontificating.” Mary scoffs.

“Gross,” Cindy judges. “Why don’t they sit at tables so we don’t have to watch that exhibitionism?”

“It’s because male viewers like to see nice legs,” Mary retorts. “They’re not interested in what they’re saying.”

“Sure,” Tom interjects. “Some females wear their skirts so short that you see way up their upper thighs instead of hiding them.”

“I’m all for sitting at tables,” Melissa says. “Not all female panelists have nice legs. That’s discrimination.”

“Then the viewers will focus on too much facial makeup,” Frank says, “Ever noticed those dark lines under and above their eyes to hide wrinkles or a hangover?”

“Ever noticed those guys with black colored hair and grey beards?” Cindy shoots back.

“Why shouldn’t males have the right to paint their hair to look younger?” Fred asks. “Women paint their hair for that reason all the time.”

“We do because if we don’t you guys go look for younger blondies,” Mary says. “It’s all in the eyes of the beholder. Painting our hair works for us.”

“Painting your hair while leaving your beard or mustache greying is preposterous,” Cindy insists. “It shows you’re having your mid-life crisis.”

“So table or no table doesn’t make a difference,” Fred concludes. “That’s a level playing field.”

“Oh, and then you have those false teeth,” Melissa deposits. “Amazing how different those guys look with their instasmiles. They can’t stop laughing  broadly to show off how much they paid for it, regardless of the sordid issues they’re harping on.”

“That brings me to the facelifts,” Ted says. “Nancy Pelosi’s multiple facelifts. Or Kerry’s endless botox looks. And those of other celebrities. Panels feel forced to ape the anti-aging trends. It’s absurd.”

“Every woman has the right not to look her age,” Melissa says. “It’s all your males’ fault. You men go astray as soon as we get wrinkles.”

“Hear, hear,” Fred says. “I repeat there’s no difference between tabled panels and legged panels. That was what we were arguing about.”

“I suggest that all panelists, females and males, wear pants,” Cindy offers. “That solves the issue.”

“Right,” Frank pummels. “So they all can sit wide-legged.”

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ENCHANTING THE SWAN – REPRINT BY SUN HILL BOOKS. 

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“A heartbreaking love story” – Vera Wilson

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ENCHANTÉ – ME 2 AT THE HULLAHOO BAR

It’s Friday night and Fred, Frank, Tom, and Ted are drinking beer with their regular friends at the Hullahoo bar, talking about the issues of the Me Too Movement. Cindy sitting across from Frank yells, “Me 2 is taking over boys.  It’s role reversal. You better take notice.”

“Scary, Cindy, I did,” Frank says. “I stopped dating for fear of being broadsided or perhaps even castrated.”

“Right,” Ted added. “Broads do that nowadays. What are we going to do about love?”

“You guys are all babes in the woods,” Marlene scoffs. “Me 2 wants real men that do not assault or belittle women like calling us broads.”

“Oh yeah?” howls Frank. “You mean those real men with their naked torsos trunked on romance novels?”

“All written by women, including erotica,” Ted adds. “The three Ls: Love, lust, and lasciviousness. Are they also members of the Me 2 movement?”

“You’re hallucinating,” Marlene’s friend Melissa says. “Me 2 women have their own sense of self-esteem, even if they write erotica.”

“Ha, ha,” laughs Fred. “If I write an erotica novel, I’ll be called a pervert and if you do it, it’s called art. Call that a double standard.”

“When I walk the corridors in my office,” Ted says, “I look straight ahead now and say nothing anymore to the girls passing for fear of being accused of sexual harassment.”

“I won’t open the door for any woman anymore either,” Tom says. “For fear of being told off that she can do that herself. And when I am in the elevator, I won’t even try to let the woman exit first. I rather travel up or down to the next floor. For fear of being told that I’m making inappropriate advances.”

“Me 2 is a serious movement,” Cindy buts in. “You guys shouldn’t make fun of it. It responds to a longtime abuse of women in the workplace or domestic violence, and nobody did a damn thing about it. Thanks to the Me 2 Movement they do now.”

“We’re not denying that, Cindy,” Fred argues. “To the contrary, we agree and I personally am glad that this screwy matter has been put in the limelight. But Me 2 has thrown a wrench into the courting ritual. It’s like lighting a firecracker on the Notre Dame square with all this social media hype. Ever seen male pigeons pursuing female pigeons? Aren’t you guys denying nature’s procreative role?”

“Humans are rational people, animals are not,” Melissa says, raising her voice. “Men have been denying female rights for far too long.”

“You say,” Frank exclaims. “What about those female empresses that sent their lovers to the gallows?”

“Kathryn Dunoova, that French movie star, also said Me 2 had gone too far,” Tom says. “You’re throwing your loverboy away with the bathwater.”

“It’s Catherine Deneuve, you butthead,” called out Emily from the other side of the counter. She pretended she could speak French. “She later apologized for critiquing Me 2.”

“Okay,” Tom responds. “Maybe she did. But she and some ninety-nine other famous French women said the usual male courting rituals shouldn’t be called sexual harassment, and that’s what’s happening here in the US. It’s killing our romance. I guess French women are different from their American species. I’ll be moving to Paris.”

“I was going to propose tomorrow at the top of the Empire building,” Ted announces. “But for fear of being laughed at I may just as well throw myself over the railing.”

“Why should you guys have the exclusive right to propose?” Emily wonders. “Why can’t I propose?  Waiting for someone nice to propose is very frustrating for women.”

“I’m sure that most of us men were already proposed to in bed by our girlfriends after our cummy, whispering let’s get married,” Frank says. “Most of us would be too embarrassed to say ‘no.’ So Emily, get your act together.”

“Would you like me to try?” Emily asks, her eyes full of seduction.

“Are you proposing?” Frank asks, among loud laughter.

Emily comes around, pushing his friend Fred off his seat and sits next to Frank. “Yes, I am,” she says. “Pay me a drink to seal it.”

The Hullahoo friends raise their glasses, cheering, “Long live Me 2!”

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” A very enjoyable read. Could make a great movie” – Neal Cary.

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” A heartbreaking love story” – Vera Wilson

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ENCHANTÉ – KILLING DEEP THROAT

 

The Hullahoo Bar is crammed with patrons at the counter. Ted, Frank and their regular raucous friends crowd around the half-circle, arguing testily.

“Yes,” Ted says. “I am writing a new book titled ‘Killing Deep Throat’. I’m fed up with this DC bureaucracy boiling up all this crap. I’m going to drain that swamp with the successful Killing Libido Pill and write how we did it.”

“You mean if you suck out all the libido from the system you actually will stop it from regurgitating hatred, obstruction, resistance and fake news?” Frank roared, laughing.

“Exactly,” Ted confirms. “You saw the results of my KLP book:  the anti-viagra virus. Much better than that stuff about aging young.  Tell me, you guys, don’t you feel relieved after taking the KLP, that you don’t have that urge anymore to go after women ?”

“I give you that,” Bert says. “But how do you apply that to killing ‘Deep Throat’?”

“I have researched it in-depth,” Ted explains. “Deep-throat people are the ones that constitute the megacenter of the swamp. They are all sexually frustrated by ED, inability to perform in bed or having to fake it, and jealous of men that are successful with women or women successful with men. Just look at the mainstream media anchors, always a man and a woman, each competing for being the most obnoxious gofer on the screen. If the guy takes the KLP, he instantly loses his drive to be more obnoxious than the female anchor.”

“But then you’d be left with those pesky females and nothing would change,” Bert says.

“The female anchor will lose her nerve because she’d feel she is no longer pursued. That frustrates her natural instincts. Look at our female friends here, how annoyed and inoperative they are because they get no free beers or Martinis anymore. True, Angie?”

“Don’t put me on the spot, Ted KLP,” Angie retorts. “All that gallantry you guys were displaying was only with one purpose in mind and that’s bedding me or her.”

“How would you impose that KLP on anchors?” Henry of The Washington Post asks.

“By mixing it in their coffee machines,” Ted says. “We have an army of paid KLP operators that serve these studios, government and newspaper offices. You don’t drink coffee? No problem, they mix it in the watercoolers. Just watch your offices at the Post, Henry. Don’t feel that horny anymore? You may already have been swallowing KLP.”

“And who pays for that?” Cindy asks, always on the money.

“The National Health Institute,” Ted says. “They have a stake in the matter because the growing political divide in the US is ruining the country’s national health and sharply increasing Medicaid and Medicare costs for psychiatrical care and domestic disputes. We’re expanding into the FBI, the Justice Department, even the Defense Department and the catacombs of the White House. You will soon hear that that FBI lover couple will disband because that stork guy has been klpeed and the whole case will come tumbling down.”

“This is pure subversion of democracy,” Henry says. “I’ll expose you and your group as underminers of the Me 2 movement, the new platform of the Democrat party.”

“What nonsense,” Ted balks. “You mean I undercut Me 2 if I KLpee the guys they’re fighting, the Weismans, Roses, Lauers and Cosbys? You mean that to remain relevant M2 needs these guys back into the limelight somewhere so that they can continue barking at them?”

“Precisely,” Henry says. “Your group must emanate from the right that opposes sinful movements. Me 2 welcomes freedom.”

“What has that got to do with Killing Deep Throat, Ted?” asks Frank.

“I’m positive that all this political wrangling is sex-related,” Ted says. “Why is the special prosecutor so interested in that playboy girl instead of that silly Russian collusion? I’m sure that if we klpee him he and his case would disintegrate.”

Henry slammed his fist on the counter. “I oppose that because it would destroy all the media fun.”

“You see?” Alicia yelps across the counter. “You perverts only like to write about porn to sell your paper and you don’t care a fig about making America great again.”

“Hah!” Henry yells back. “We write it because you want to read it, and if we wrote only about the low unemployment rate you wouldn’t buy the paper.”

Ted scoffs. “Watch your Keurig coffeemaker, Henry. Soon you’ll be only interested in writing about the unemployment rate.”

 

 

 

 

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