ENCHANTÉ-INDEPENDENCE-THE FRIENDS INVITE MARS MAN
From left to right: Monsieur Enchanté, Mars Man on Mars, Mars Man on Planet Earth, and Kathryn of Omaha TV.
The friends are meeting for their Independence drinks in OMAHA’S Hullahoo Bar and invited Mars Man and his wife Kathryn from Omaha TV to join.
“Welcome Mars and Kathryn to the Friends drink at the Hullahoo for Independence Day,” croons Frank. “So glad you could make it.”
“Wonderful to be here,” Mars Man says.
“Likewise,” Kathryn adds, smiling her enticing Omaha TV smile, raising her martini.
“Tell us, Mars, how do you and Kathryn manage your life between planets?” asks Frank.
“Easy with our technology,” Mars says. “With my Scooter One, I’m here in forty-eight hours. More than lightning speed. Planet Earth is nowhere near that technology.”
“But how come you look like us as your Mars City TV face is alien?” Fred’s eyes burn with multiple questions.
“Again, our advanced transmutation technology allows me to change into my Planet Earth body on arrival. By the flick of my wrist.”
“And how did you and Kathryn get married?” asks Cindy, always out for romance.
“Mars knows me from Omaha TV,” Kathryn says, smiling again. “Mars can see mee from his Mars City TV where he is the Chief News Anchor. So he reached out to collaborate between Omaha TV and Mars City TV and we frequently do. When he sent me his Planet Earth picture I fell in love with him.”
“But Mars lives there and you live here,” Melissa interrupted. “How can long distance infatuation work?”
“Simple,” Mars said. “The same as you in Omaha and your loved one in New York: you commute. We get together as often as we can and have two lovely mixed children on Planet Earth.”
“What!” cried out Tom. “Does your Martian body work the same as ours?”
“On Planet Earth it does,” Mars says. “On Mars, we use electrodes for penetration.”
“So you have no sex problems on Mars like we do here?” Fred asks, his face looking perplexed.
Loud laughter.
“Unfortunately we do,” Mars says. “When your electrodes misfire, you may get sued. But we don’t text as you do here to find out if a person loves you. That’s oldfashioned. We shoot an electrode and if it finds access and shoots back, you’re in.”
“But how do your kids look like, Kathryn?” Maria asks, curious as ever.
“Like yours,” Kathryn says. “Except that they have bionic powers. That causes problems at the proms or in the classrooms when they hear what friends are gossipping about them.”
“Can you travel to Mars with your kids?” Fred asks, hoping to get a ride.
“Not yet. We’d need to wear space suits and our voyage would take much longer because we don’t have Mars bodies. And once there, we can’t take the suits off to be with Mars. But we’re happy here as long as Mars comes over. Thanks to Warren Buffett, Nebraska is still a free country in the midst of China Province America and Mars can land freely in Buffett’s cornfields.”
“That’s why all Friends live in Omaha now,” Frank says, bitter-sweet but utterly relieved. “We got here just before the Chinese built a wall around the border.”
“True,” Mars says. “During my last interview with Lu Kung Si, the Chinese governor in New York, he confessed that Buffett had bribed Xi Ping with a billion of Berkshire Hathaway shares.”
“Do you know how they build that wall?” Cindy asks.
“They stole the Trump designs and forced American dissenters in hard labor camps to do the work,” Mars replied. “The wall is so good that nobody gets in, even better than what the illegals faced in the south or the Berlin Wall in East Germany in the sixties. Kathryn is slated to meet with Lu next week as a free representative of what was once the great USA, to discuss China’s plans with Province America.”
“But how does she go to New York and back?” Ted asks. “Aren’t you afraid they may keep her there for ransom?”
“Kathryn gets special permission, with lots of Chinese red tape,” Mars clarifies, grinning. “And she flies back on the company plane. Lu knows that if he did anything bad to Kathryn his Xi Ping tower would be rubble the next moment.”
“I heard the Chinese also stole the NASA designs to go to Mars,” Fred says.
“We know, but Confucius said. ‘An oppressive government is more to be feared than a tiger.’ So we’re prepared. They may reach Mars but will melt on arrival.”
“And what if Kathryn came?” Maria asks.
“Red carpet out,” Mars said, laughing. “Happy Fourth!” And he raised his bottle of Buffett beer, formerly Samuels.
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“A beautiful story — full of suspense, drama, and enduring love centered around music. John Schwartz has created a whole world and a wonderful escape. The characters jump off the page with such personality and imagery that this book could make a great movie. Enchanting the Swan is a very enjoyable read, and I recommend it highly.” Neal Cary (Cellist -Professor – William&Mary)
“Enjoyed the book. Well written book. A very heartbreaking love story.” Vera Wilson
“Enchanting the Swan was a nice read, and a deviation from the predictable boy meets girl and falls in love formula. There were many turns in the book that are reminiscent of life in that they were off the path to the end result. The writing was very image evoking and it all made for a good story that kept me reading until the end. Looking forward to more from this author!” Amy
“A lively composition! The various moneyed people, their elaborately appointed living quarters, and their high-wheeling lifestyle add a dash of pizzazz.” Kirkus Reviews
ENCHANTÉ-ATTIC GHOSTS TALKING
Squirrels Charlie and Charlene got fed up with their leaking roof in the sycamore tree and decided to find a better home for their upcoming babies. The nearby shed in their yard was too low, and the pine-oak they used to hang out in was removed by those unsocial humans they had to put up with. The sycamore tree had one advantage, though: a branch reaching to the humans’ roof.
“Come on Charlene,” Charlie said one early morning, shaking off raindrops from his tail. “Let’s go over there and take a look. Maybe we’ll find a hole somewhere.”
Charlene found this a great idea. The two rushed over the branch and hopped on the roof, the branch still waving up and down after they landed.
“Shoot,” Charlie said. “They covered the chimneys.”
“Over here,” Charlene squeaked, putting her claws on the gutter and looking down. “You see that vine on the wall? Next to it is a vent. Try to get in.”
Charlie studied the vine. Then he hung off the gutter and dropped into it. “It’s holding,” he squeaked. “I’ll jump over.”
With an athletic swing, he landed on the vent and peeked in between the louvers. “It’s an attic,” he said. “Nobody there. Only a noisy machine and lots of dust.”
“Can you get in?” Charlene pressed, getting impatient because the clouds were turning dark, announcing another rain storm.
“Easy, girl, I’m trying.” Charlie put his claws on a lower louver and pressed his back against the upper one but there wasn’t much movement. “It’s hard,” he complained.
Charlene dropped into the vine. “Move right,” she said. “I’ll come over and we’ll try together.”
“Don’t!” Charlie warned, seeing the gardener coming with his loud sputtering mower. “Hang in there, I’ll come back.”
Both hung in the vine, hiding until the mower was gone. Charlie swung back to the vent, making room for Charlene. She followed and both pressed their shoulders in between the louvers and created a suitable opening to sneak inside.
“Not bad,” Charlene said. “Enough room to squat on the wood.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Charlie said. Just at that moment, a thunderclap blasted and a violent shower clattered on the roof and against the vent. The squirrel couple sat high and dry, hearing the gardener cursing and shutting off his mower.
“This is great,” Charlene said. “I can have my babies here.”
The night approached and Charlene gave birth to three little squirrels. Nicely protected from birds of prey and cold showers, Charlie and Charlene enjoyed peaceful family life. Early mornings Charlie ventured outside to get food from the yards.
Then one night the attic started getting spooky.
“Do you hear that, Charlie?” his wife asked, concerned.
A little cloud appeared and two mice peeked out.
“Hi,” one said. “I am Maxie, and I lived here before.”
“And I am Maxine,” the other mouse said. “We both lived here before, but we’re dead now. “
“What!” Charlie said, worried. “Are you ghosts?”
“They poisoned us,” Maxine said. “Me, Maxie and my babies. So mean.”
“Would they come here to kill us, too?” Charlene asked, looking scared at her babies.
“When they hear you squeaking, gnawing or grunting as you do, they’ll come after you,” Maxie said.
“Oh no!” Charlene cried. “Not now, the babies are too small yet to carry them outside. And that rotten weather.”
Suddenly the little cloud covered the mice again. “We’ll be back another time,” the squirrels heard. “We only get so much time.”
Charlie and Charlene shivered, hovering over their little ones, and tried to be as quiet as possible.
* * *
“Hi, John,” neighbor Kevin said. “Do you know you’ve got squirrels in your attic? Look up there.” Kevin pointed. “They creep through your vent.”
“I’ll be damned! We thought we were hearing noises.”
“You better get them out before they chew your wires.”
“The rascals!”
* * *
That night, my wife screamed. “John, John, the mice are back!”
Fast asleep, I woke up with a shock. “What, what, where, where? Can’t be, I killed them all.”
“There,” she hollered. “On the dresser!”
True. Maxie and Maxine sat there, enveloped in their half-open little hazy cloud, staring at us.
“I thought we killed you,” I said, in awe of seeing micey spooks.
“Murdered, you did,” Maxie emphasized.
“Our whole family,” Maxine whined.
“You weren’t paying rent, remember?” I tried to justify, feeling guilty. They looked so sweet. “And you were messing up things big time. Droppings all over, toilet paper chewed off, rice bags torn, sofas sullied, and I can go on.”
“Why not treat us more humanely?” Maxie asked. “Why leave us in the freezing cold while you’re happily warm inside?”
“Don’t do the same to those squirrels up there,” Maxine said. “They just had three lovely babies.”
“That’s why you came back spooking to tell us that?” my wife asked.
“We have to go now,” Maxie said. “They give us only so much time.” The little cloud closed over them and they vanished in the dark.
“I think I had a nightmare,” my wife said.
“Me too,” and we went back to sleep.
* * *
The next day our favorite carpenter, painter, construction specialist and handyman, Yimy Romero, and I opened the attic door and looked in. And, yes, we saw them sitting up, their silhouettes visible against the outdoor light streaming in through the vent.
“We can take care of them,” Yimy said. “No problemo.”
“Let’s give them a month, their babies are still blind now,” I said. “I’ll send them an eviction notice.” I laughed.
“Oh, yeah? How’s that?” Yimy grinned.
“I think we have a communication channel.”
“Better throw some mothballs,” Yimy advised. “That’ll kill them.”
* * *
The following night, my wife poked my side. “I hear some rustling,” she whispered.
I sat up and the darling mice couple appeared again on the dresser, the little cloud surrounding them slowly opening up.
“What are you going to do?” Maxie asked.
“Chase them mice out!” my wife screamed, horrified.
“Okay, Maxie, Maxine, tell them four weeks, no more,” I said. “Now beat it and don’t come back next fall!”
* * *
A month later, Yimy came and we looked inside the attic again. Empty. Charlie and Charlene had moved out with their offspring. I cut the vine and Yimy’s grandson (his faithful help) pulled it down. With a long ladder, Yimy covered the vent with a thick mesh.
Charlie and Charlene now sit in the backyard, close to the high Holly shrubs, loving each other, nibbling on nuts, their babies roaming nearby.
Credits: David Gylland (picture left); Val Vesa (picture right)
This story was inspired by Mark Spencer’s delightful book Ghost Walking. (Mark did some editing too)
![Ghost Walking by [Spencer, Mark]](https://i0.wp.com/images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61tyR1Vvq%2BL.jpg?ssl=1)
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Advertisement:
“A beautiful story — full of suspense, drama, and enduring love centered around music. John Schwartz has created a whole world and a wonderful escape. The characters jump off the page with such personality and imagery that this book could make a great movie. Enchanting the Swan is a very enjoyable read, and I recommend it highly.” Neal Cary (Cellist -Professor – William&Mary)
“Enjoyed the book. Well written book. A very heartbreaking love story.” Vera Wilson
“Enchanting the Swan was a nice read, and a deviation from the predictable boy meets girl and falls in love formula. There were many turns in the book that are reminiscent of life in that they were off the path to the end result. The writing was very image evoking and it all made for a good story that kept me reading until the end. Looking forward to more from this author!” Amy
“A lively composition! The various moneyed people, their elaborately appointed living quarters, and their high-wheeling lifestyle add a dash of pizzazz.” Kirkus Reviews
ENCHANTÉ – THE FRIENDS ON HUGGING
The Hullahoo Bar is noisy with THE FRIENDS arguing loudly about America’s hugging frenzy.
“I hear one woman got pregnant from a Biden hug,” alleges Frank.
“Impossible,” counters Melissa. “She hadn’t washed her hair.”
“Why can’t we hug anymore?” Ted wonders. “All that’s left in today’s sex craze is hugging your pillow.”
“Ridiculous,” cries Fred. “When I went to my first prom, we hugged. At my second prom, we kissed. At my third, we did it in my car. At my fourth, we had a baby and still love each other.”
“Romance is out the door,” Cindy complains. “I feel it in the office. The guys look at me as if I’m enemy number one.”
“Can you imagine,” says Tom. “I like a girl in the office and what do I do not to get fired? How about saying, ‘Hey, I’m sentimental about you. May I please give you a hug?'”
“You might try having a coffee with her in the cafeteria and, while she is sipping her latte, text her the question first,” Céline suggests.
“What if she leaks my text to my boss, saying I sexually harassed her?” Tom asks.
“Tell him the Biden doctrine,” Céline advises. “It was never your intention to hug her sexually, only to empower her.”
“Empowering her for what?” Cindy scoffs. “A pretext for impregnating her?”
“See, that’s exactly what this Me Too movement is all about,” Frank says. “They weaponize the natural drive of human love to stop procreation.”
“How would the world survive with only Me Too women left on earth?” Ted asks, raising his arms in desperation.
“Easy,” Melissa says. “There are enough plentiful sperm banks to make babies. Me Too’s favored vibrator and babylube make up for the fun.”
“And what would the male babies do?” enquires Fred.
“Do like the priests,” Melissa says. “Celibacy and feed the sperm banks. Use sex dolls. What do you think they’re doing now?”
“That’s preposterous,” yells Frank. “Worse than Orwellian!”
“It would solve today’s sex craze,” Cindy agrees. “No more Biden or Trump jokes. No more Weinstein predators. And Kamala Harris wants to make prostitution legal.”
“Do you think that’s where the US is going?” Tom asks.
“That’s where the world is going,” Cindy says, prophesizing.
Nobody feels like finishing their drinks anymore.
“What if we go back to ‘Love makes the world go ’round,’ Cindy?” suggests Frank after the depressing silence.
Mary laughs. “Without love, the birdies would not sing this spring.”
“Damn Me Too!” Ted hollers, hammering on the counter. “Love cannot be killed or swept aside.”
“‘Cause we hear in our heartbeat a beautiful sound,'” follows Mary, her eyes lighting up.
“Cheers to love, Mary!” Frank shouts, raising his glass, and everybody does.
(with due credit to Deon Jackson and Jennifer Lopez).
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ENCHANTÉ – TALKING CHINA
Talking China: Some of you may remember Mars Man, Chief Anchor at Mars City TV, married to Kathryn of Omaha TV in a happy mixed extraterrestrial marriage. Mars Man visits Omaha TV regularly, landing in a nearby razed cornfield with Space Scooter One. In view of all the current talk about trade negotiations with China, we repeat Mars Man’s visionary interview a year ago with Lu Kung Si, China’s Governor of the US, about the status of the former US, which is now a prosperous province of China, with the help of Bernie Sanders.
“Dear viewers, I am Kathryn Holliday, spouse of our dear Mars Man. Today we air Mars Man’s long-awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. We do not have permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview, but we do so on behalf of Mars TV. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:
Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day, you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing.”
Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese usually are more polite at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”
Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the US has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”
Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. No democracy or free speech here anymore. One more and you are out the door.”
Mars Man: “How are you dealing with the US now that you have submitted it to your communist culture of serfdom?”
Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain freedom more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. We use American security systems, which we borrowed from the NSA, to control the Americans. Besides, we have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well-known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or been incarcerated for life.”
Mars Man: “That must discomfort many American citizens. On Mars, we are concerned about China’s militarism and aggressive totalitarian methods. After you have made the US your subsidiary, other countries of Planet Earth fear losing their freedom. We understand Europe is next.”
Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The US lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. Several are communist already. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. It was too late for Trump to stop that.”
Mars Man: “But your mercurial capitalist policies are pure state rule and make everyone unhappy.”
Lu: “You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the US.”
Mars Man: “But all your excess money is invested in your military.”
Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? A century ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the US, and Shanghai was made into an American brothel. We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”
Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen US technology?”
Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We only need to open NASA’s files to invade Mars, don’t forget that.”
“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question.”
“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know math. The American kids did not do their math to America’s peril. We must rule the world to protect China. ”
Mars Man: “On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom, and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say ‘Don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?’”
Lu: “That’s grossly taken out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: ‘The cautious never err.’ Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”
Mars Man: “I don’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”
Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as America did. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart.”
Mars Man: “Your child policy has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”
Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask. Remember our Rule 180437. Your former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one-child policy, so go and ask him.”
Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”
Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military gets them free. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”
Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they don’t work on our Mars bodies. Goodbye and see you next time.”
Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. OMAHA TV risks to be closed by the Chinese authorities for broadcasting this interview. Only NBC is still functioning with their communist staff under Chinese state control. Soon we will have to travel to Mars to get the real news.”
A blank screen appears.
ENCHANTÉ – CROSS-LEGGED WIDE-LEGGED
Fred, Frank, Tom, and Ted sit at their usual place at the counter of the Hullahoo Bar for their Friday night drinks with friends and not-so friends. The subject is TV panels.
‘You ever notice how the female panelists always sit cross-legged?” Fred initiates.
“Yeah,” Frank responds. “You wonder how they avoid getting cramps. I’d like to see what they do with their legs during the commercials.”
“I bet some physical therapist comes by to rub their calves,” Tom says.
“You ask yourself why they’re always sitting cross-legged in unison,” Ted says. “Are they hiding something?”
“You ever noticed how the male panelists sit?” throws in Cindy. “Always wide-legged.”
“Oh, they do,” Melissa croons. “With their hands folded at the groin. I wonder if they’re hiding something, too.”
“And some are thumbing their fingers at the same time while they’re pontificating.” Mary scoffs.
“Gross,” Cindy judges. “Why don’t they sit at tables so we don’t have to watch that exhibitionism?”
“It’s because male viewers like to see nice legs,” Mary retorts. “They’re not interested in what they’re saying.”
“Sure,” Tom interjects. “Some females wear their skirts so short that you see way up their upper thighs instead of hiding them.”
“I’m all for sitting at tables,” Melissa says. “Not all female panelists have nice legs. That’s discrimination.”
“Then the viewers will focus on too much facial makeup,” Frank says, “Ever noticed those dark lines under and above their eyes to hide wrinkles or a hangover?”
“Ever noticed those guys with black colored hair and grey beards?” Cindy shoots back.
“Why shouldn’t males have the right to paint their hair to look younger?” Fred asks. “Women paint their hair for that reason all the time.”
“We do because if we don’t you guys go look for younger blondies,” Mary says. “It’s all in the eyes of the beholder. Painting our hair works for us.”
“Painting your hair while leaving your beard or mustache greying is preposterous,” Cindy insists. “It shows you’re having your mid-life crisis.”
“So table or no table doesn’t make a difference,” Fred concludes. “That’s a level playing field.”
“Oh, and then you have those false teeth,” Melissa deposits. “Amazing how different those guys look with their instasmiles. They can’t stop laughing broadly to show off how much they paid for it, regardless of the sordid issues they’re harping on.”
“That brings me to the facelifts,” Ted says. “Nancy Pelosi’s multiple facelifts. Or Kerry’s endless botox looks. And those of other celebrities. Panels feel forced to ape the anti-aging trends. It’s absurd.”
“Every woman has the right not to look her age,” Melissa says. “It’s all your males’ fault. You men go astray as soon as we get wrinkles.”
“Hear, hear,” Fred says. “I repeat there’s no difference between tabled panels and legged panels. That was what we were arguing about.”
“I suggest that all panelists, females and males, wear pants,” Cindy offers. “That solves the issue.”
“Right,” Frank pummels. “So they all can sit wide-legged.”
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ENCHANTING THE SWAN – REPRINT BY SUN HILL BOOKS.
“A very enjoyable read. Could make a great movie” – Neal Cary.
“A fine romantic thriller” – Daniel Dwyer
“A heartbreaking love story” – Vera Wilson
Get it on Kindle: https://amzn.to/2UID9dQ
Read it while traveling or waiting in the doctor’s office.
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