THE TRUMP CARD
Mars Man is back from a long universe mission and the Mars-Earth Weekly Squirms show is back on. The two panels, of Mars City TV and Omaha TV are connected.
Kathryn is opening: Mars Man, tell us what you saw on Mother Earth from Outer Space.
Mars Man: Great to see you back! The picture is bleak. China is building a fishing port in the middle of the ocean against the warnings of the American Environmental Protection Agency that it would destroy rare fish species and increase sea pollution.
Obama has sent a protest that this is against international law, but the Chinese have replied that the only international law they know is Chinese law because they have more people than the rest of the world combined. Besides, international law is made by the colonial powers and the Chinese only recognize that to the end it serves their own purpose. Lastly, Chinese know better because they are confuciused, and they know how to fish in muddled water.
Second, there are some fifty grey Republicans running for President and only one and a half Democrats, with Hillary e-mailing secret messages from her private basement server and meanwhile just biking along waving at the stupid crowd.
Thirdly, Europe is in decline – as is America – but Europe is going on a two-months paid vacation. To them it is paradise regained while everything around them is crumbling down.
Fourthly, Arabia is burning and heads are rolling, kids heads are staked on poles, women raped or enslaved, and nobody gives a damn. For Obama it is their problem. The old Shiite versus Sunni. Like your Protestants versus the Catholics burning each other on stakes. Obama seems to support the Shiites because he is negotiating with them. He led them into Iraq by withdrawing the troops. So the Sunnis felt betrayed and shot back with ISIS. All so predictable, but who cares in your White House or on the Dumb Electorate Street?
Fiftly, Iranian mullahs are building the bomb because Israel has it already, still saying it wants to drive the Jew State into the sea and wipe it off the earth. Not realizing that if they do, Teheran will be gone at the same time and Palestine and Hezbollah will be dead too.
Finally, Putin is back naked on his horse, throwing firebombs at Ukraine and shooting an airliner down. And that makes him popular at home. Good grief! Mother Earth is a mess and nobody cares.
Kathryn: We have great news here, though. You know Donald Trump, known as The Donald, has put himself up for the US Presidency. He has huge business experience, built a massive empire and lives in his own tower.
Obama will say he did not build that, and that he and his government did it. But we know that the Pres has gone insane for some time already because of Michelle’s kitchen. Charles Hammerschmidt, your views.
Charles: Donald Trump is not a politician, and we in the media only deal with politicians, so I am not going to comment on his running for President because we media people are politicians too. We need a good politician in the White House, but any fool can run for President. We had Perot, we might as well have Trump, only that because Perot took his votes away from Father Bush, brave Father lost to womanizer Clinton. The Dumb Electorate. We will just make a ton of money out of talking about a rich man trying to get votes from the majority poor that got even poorer under Obama. The Donald will never be elected.
Huda Seksibombah: Sorry but I disagree. He has very sexy hair and even allows nice girls like me pulling at it to see if it is real. And he knows how to employ your people and your President only lays them off.
Pasha: He would be great with Carly Fiorina, sounds like you will be going to the Opera. Finally a non-politician team. Look forward to that. And she is a feminist but not a femenazi.
What with a good women’s fight on TV? Carly Fiorina pulling Hillary out of the driver’s seat?
Fred Garfinkel: Four more years of US Liberalism would be the final nail in the American coffin. Eighteen trillion debt and growing at 3 billion a day. The Office of Budget Management says in a few years that will be unrecoverable. Sixty years of Democrat majority have destroyed the USA. All because the Dumb Electorate wants more government money while looking at Sports TV or playing video games and getting Fs in school. China will take over without a shot. All that is Obama’s legacy. He added more debt than everybody else combined. For him, nothing is left but to raise the white flag. Oh, those intelligent voters.
Elmer: Your Trump can pay off two years from his own money alone. As he says, bring American manufacturing back home, keep the illegals from coming in, rebuild military strength your Obama has depleted, reduce the debt by increasing national economic growth, spur energy development instead of stifling it and stop being bullied around. That’s what we on Mars would do. It all sounds like your old President Carter, only a lot worse.
Bob Demmofool: Do you really think that after all what the left has won these years they will give it away without a fight?
Elmer: From our vantage point there will soon be nothing left of all what America achieved in 400 years. Beauty pageants in rags, French fries made from marine weed, steaks cut from pressed animal intestines. You won’t drive in cars but in school buses. China will sell you their Boeing planes as you can’t make them anymore. This if your Bob gets his way. All in a beautiful sinkhole of what once was a great nation. Like the Roman Empire.
Bob: Right, that’s exactly what Obama set out to do. Transform America to a third word country. He can be proud of that achievement. Soon we will ask the IMF to lend us money. That’s how it should be. China will fund the IMF with the treasury bonds they got in return for paying US bills. We shall be relieved of being number one or feeling we should be. The dollar will become the Chinese Yen. They already bought the Empire Building and have their Regional Office there. From riches to rags. Beautiful. All equal in misery, happily swallowing fortune cookies.
Paul Turnmeon: I like Chinese girls. Beautiful dark slanted eyes, little feet, sleek fingers, and good cooks. And they look good in rags.
Marlene Femenazi: What about our own good women in rags, Paul?
Henriette Forgetmenot: And what about our women cooks?
Talma from Mars TV: Does anybody there know what Donal Trump eats?
Charlene Knowitall: Healthy Food rich in flavor and nicely decorated. No left-wing broccoli.
Kathryn: Mars, so I hear that both panels prefer Trump, except Bob Demmofool who likes to continue the decline and Charles Hammerschmidt because he thinks Trump is not an intellectual like him. I bet on my Trump card. I hope The Donald will pull it off. You must be smart to do what he did, and as for me I can’t stomach the leftist political correctness and socialist policies anymore that have led to disaster. It may lead to another civil war. Petraeus must take over to stop the hemorrhaging till Trump is elected and send the politicians home for a while. I should not be saying this because I am the anchor, but I have my own opinion too.
Mars Man: Our view here is that all these politicians vouching for the US Presidency are dwarfs compared to Donald Trump. Your environmentalists dislike him because he builds golf courses on arid lands, all leftists don’t like him because they find him a clown, all leftist media (and that is about all of them) spurn him because he would take their sour bread away. We hope he wins. Another four to eight year democrat leftist White House and the USA is finished. Until next time!
Don’t forget: SOME WOMEN I HAVE KNOWN
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Overheard on St. Maarten’s Beach
Kathryn from Omaha TV
Mars Man and Kathryn are enjoying sunny conversations on the beach at St. Maarten, away from it all, especially the cold.
Mars Man: I believe it’s Superbowl today.
Kathryn: Yeah, the most inflated show of the year.
Mars Man: I hear the former president is going nuts confined to his golf club on Hawai.
Kathryn: From our perspective, he was already going nuts in the White House from what he was saying.
Mars Man: They beheaded another guy, the beasts. They must have stolen those orange suits from the Dutch soccer team.
Kathryn: What we need is a guy like Eisenhower. Go in there with allied forces in a big way and wipe them off the earth.
Mars Man: It seems that Petraeus isn’t doing much about it either. I’d hoped that by now he would’ve pulverized them to pork stew.
Kathryn: They don’t eat pork over there.
Mars Man: What about that tape story that the Pentagon undermined Hillary on that Libya war? What with the White House listening-in device! Remember Obama saying that Muammar Gadaffi had to go? Like poor Hosni Mubarak? And what did we get in return? Four brave Americans dead and more of BHO’s cruel Muslim friends.
Kathryn: He says he will degrade them and ultimately destroy them. What does that mean, degrade? So far they’ve been upgrading each day. Ultimately means he leaves it on the plate of the next president. Who said Michelle was a good cook?
Mars Man: America is in deep dodo with this man. The chickens will come home to roost, like his master the reverend Jeremia Wright said when BHO sat in his pew but wasn’t listening.
Kathryn: We heard the new Congress is acting up. All democrats are wearing long johns. Reid fell so hard over all his lies he was shoveling out of his office that he broke his nose, blinded one eye, and had to get a face lift.
Mars Man: I heard it was O’Connell who’d punched him K.O. because he’d been so mean to him for six years.
Kathryn: We got the measles again in the US. Unidentified measles. Came with the illegal border crossers from those third world countries visiting Mickey Mouse in L.A. Ever had the measles?
Mars Man: We don’t have them on Mars. What do they look like, shrimps?
Kathryn: Like mosquito or ant bites all over your body.
Mar Man: Another good reason to keep you earthlings away from Mars. That last spaceship went to pieces again. If humans want to come to Mars, let them take Amtrak, but they may get stuck on the way.
Kathryn: See who’s coming. Old Dr. Kisshanger and Lu from Chinatown, both peacefully together on the beach. Hi Dr.Kisshanger, Lu, how are you?
Dr. Kisshanger: Fine, I’m still writing more memoirs. Our days were so much better than yours. May we sit down?
Lu: Great to see you. Even though we’d hoped you’d do better under Chinese colonial rule, it hasn’t got any better in Washington.
Kathryn: You taught them how to lie. For six years we haven’t heard anything but. What do you expect?
Dr. Kisshanger: He who turns oriental gets disoriented.
Mars Man: Lies in Washington are just the plain truth. If you told the opposite nobody would believe you.
Kathryn: Well, Dr. Kisshanger, what do you feel about today’s world?
Dr. Kisshanger: No see, no hear, no speak.
Mars Man: But that’s Chinese!
Lu: No sir! This is plain Shakespearian English. Besides, in China we no think either, just do.
Kathryn: What would you do, Lu, if they are going to behead a Chinese?
Lu: We’ll send them Chinese fruitcake with bomb mix. If not good enough, we drop them a million mad Chinese women. Guaranteed to work or your money back.
Kathryn: What about all this religious doublespeak, Dr. Kisshanger?
Dr. Kisshanger: He or she, who is without sin, throw the first stone. That’s why Obama doesn’t want to make war. Jeremiah told him so.
Mars Man: Do you believe that, Lu?
Lu: Dr. Kisshanger is without sin, as he came to China first. We Chinese don’t know what sin means. We’re Confuciused. Shall we have a glass of rum punch?
Lu calls a waiter, who brings them four glasses of pink fluid on the ruble, with a slice of lemon, a straw, and loaded with rum.
Lu: Cheers! Let’s drink on peace the Chinese way.
Mars Man, sipping: What’s that, Lu?
Lu: In five years, China will be omni powerful, and everybody on Earth will speak, read and write Mandarin, starting at Kindergarten, and be happy. That will shut up the Islamic Radical Extremists, as we rightly call them. Next step will be Mars.
Mars Man: Don’t count on it, Lu. Your hieroglyphs aren’t working in space. You’ll be even more Confuciused and get stuck on the moon.
Kathryn: Okay, guys! I’ll get us some Dutch oil balls. I hear they are good over here.
Lu: Oil balls? Here? Can’t be. China has imported all the oil there is.
Kathryn: It’s balls of dough fried in cooking oil, Lu. Like your good fortune cookies, but without your pin strips of Chinese Confuciun.
Lu: I’ll come with you and then confiscate the oil.
Kathryn: You can’t because you’ll create war with the French part of the island. They bathe in cooking oil. See you later.
Breaking News: US Military Take Over White House
Mars City TV is suddenly in uproar. Mars Man and his team are watching Mother Earth’s TV signals in astonishment. General Petraeus states on Omaha TV that the US Military have taken over the White House!
Dear Americans: After long deliberations and following increasingly aggravating presidential decision-making, gravely damaging the safety and well-being of the United States of America and its citizens, and after conferring with the US Founding Fathers in Heaven, the Military have found it necessary to depose President Obama and relieve him from his functions, first of all Commander in Chief. The President is currently under house arrest in Hawai and is only allowed to play golf. Air Force One has been repatriated by the Air Force.
To restore the foundation of the United States, the following are the main decisions taken:
- General Petraeus will head a temporary government to maintain critical services. This temporary government will stay in place until an interim president is appointed. This interim president will stay in office until the elections of 2016.
- On national policy, the Secretaries of the State Department, Defense, Justice, Homeland Security, Treasury, Interior, Energy and the EPA have been relieved of their functions. They will be replaced by senior military officers. Only critical personnel will remain in office. General Petraeus will be in charge of Defense and run the temporary government from there. The White House will be closed.
- FBI, The Secret Service and the CIA have aligned themselves with the Military Government and will continue their functions. So will the police.
- Curfew will be in place from Christmas Eve through January 2 from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.
- Protest marches will not be tolerated. Military personnel and police will be patrolling the streets to keep order. Every person disrespecting the order will be arrested and imprisoned for an indefinite time, and be fed only water and bread.
- The mayor of New York and Mr. Al Sharpton have been arrested for disturbing the national order and are placed under house arrest indefinitely. Sharpton will also be forced to pay all his taxes due. Mr. Jesse Jackson has been advised not to show up instead.
- Rudy Giuliani has agreed to replace De Blasio until a new mayor is elected in the future.
- Congress is requested to stay home for the time being as they are not doing anything useful anyway. The Capitol has been put under military control.
- Corporate taxes have been halved. Foreign assets may be repatriated without penalty if reinvested in the United States.
- Obamacare has been put in abeyance pending a critical review of its dysfunctional elements. Previous healthcare insurance policies may be reinstated.
- The IRS has been placed under military control. All officers – either in function or retired – tainted by the IRS scandals have been put under house arrest without pay. All tapes are being released.
- During the curfew period, only NPR will be allowed to be in the air, both radio and TV, and will provide all interim government information but dissenting liberal comments will not be tolerated. In addition, radio will play only Christian music and TV shows will consist of Big Bird and Masterpiece Theater. NPR will show the movie “The Interview” forthwith.
- On foreign policy, the nuclear sites of North Korea and Iran were destroyed overnight. Cuba relations will remain as before and President Obama’s opening to that criminal government has been rescinded.
- Construction of the Keystone Pipeline from Canada will start immediately.
- Russia has been told that all its external finances in the USA have been blocked. Any further invasion of Ukraine will entail immediate military response. Increased US oil production will further derail the ruble. Similarly, no other expansion to free neighboring states formerly under the USSR will be tolerated
- China has been informed not to use this interim situation to expand its hemisphere in the Far East. US warships are in place near the China Sea. Any interference will lead to increasing tariffs and taxes on Chinese goods and all Christmas returns will be sent back to Beijing COD.
- All political correctness will be disbanded. Terrorists are terrorists, Islam will not anymore be called a peaceful religion until the Middle-Eastern nations will rise up and fight their own terrorists and beat them.
- All funding of Palestine has been suspended until it stops terrorism.
- Israel will receive full US support. Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS will be fought with all might.
- Taxes on oil revenues and cigarettes will be earmarked to repay the US foreign debt as of today.
Other information will follow as the interim government actions will unfold.
Mars Man, trying desperately to reach Kathryn in Omaha, to his team at the Mars TV studio: This is unprecedented!
Shamus: I’ve seen it coming. Unavoidable.
Huda: I’ll miss seeing Michelle in her night gown!
Pasha: I can’t stand Big Bird!
Elmer: Go look at war movies by Oliver North on Fox.
Mars Man to Kathryn, after finally having made contact with her: What’s going on?
Kathryn: Apart from NPR, we are the only TV station allowed to operate. Everyone in the USA is in deep shock, but a majority of the people are very happy with the military take-over. The Government of the USA had reached rock-bottom and the country was falling apart.
Mars Man: any news from Mr. Obama?
Kathryn: Insiders tell me he doesn’t seem aware that anything happened as he is stuck at his eighteenth hole.
Mars Man: What happened to North Korea?
Kathryn: As far as we know, the US bombed their nuclear sites to smithereens. Kim is reportedly in tears because he can’t watch porn on the internet anymore. My panel has shrunk to two persons. Bob Demmofool has fled to Mexico and was promptly incarcerated for carrying a loaded gun. If past experience is any guide, we won’t see him back. Charles is here.
Charles: Washington D.C. is like a grave yard. Nobody around. All restaurants are closed. Police has finally a quiet time as protests were banned. The White House is dark. Nobody is interested to jump the fences anymore.
Paul Turnmeon: The sad thing is that the parades have been canceled. No sexy girls will be seen this time.
Kathryn: It’s closing time here now. No 24/7 TV anymore. People must read at least one good book per week. All guns will be banned from kid movies. Donald Duck and Micky Mouse are back again. I think we will return to the good old days of yesterday. Progressive Liberalism has failed completely and brought us to near-complete disaster. We will get back to you when we can in the New Year.
Mars Man: This gives us some rest! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too!