Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms show is on. Kathryn welcomes the viewers and her panel with her engaging smile.
“Good evening or whatever time you are on. You may remember our June 12, 2011 show when we dealt with Planet Earth’s sex craze because certain politicians had shown themselves on social media, “selfies” as they call them. Well, many viewers asked me recently if we would devote a show to our panel’s love life. Naturally, I was a little hesitant, but my producer and I thought that “missed chances in love” might be a suitable subject for discussion. Let me start with Mars Man first. Anything you missed out on?
Mars Man: Dear Kathryn, as you will understand, it is a bit embarrassing to open up on this matter on Mother Earth, as you are my dear spouse here. But all right, to satisfy the viewers’ curiosity, I pointed out at the time that we have different bodies on Mars. They can be most appropriately compared to those Vesicare Leaky Pipe people you see on TV with respect to bladder issues. On Mars, we communicate differently between the sexes than you do here. We do so with electrodes. If the electrode comes back positive, you have a mate. If not, you get a shockwave so that you won’t try again. Now to your question, what happens if you get a positive and something goes wrong? My most disappointing moment was when as a young lad my electrodes accidentally shot up too high and my love melted. I had to take her in a bucket to the hospital to get her rewired. Of course, after that, she never took me on again.
Kathryn: I’m sure you were very careful the next time your tried. Bob Demmofool, you want to volunteer?
Bob: Oh my, so many sad stories! I don’t know where to begin. I will not talk about those times I went into the act and halfway heard she was Republican. Nothing more than that gives me instant ED. Once I fell in love with a girl in high school and on a hot day we went swimming in the river, and standing half under water, well, you know, we got a little bit too close because nobody could see what we were doing. Our passion overwhelmed us and we lay down on the river bank. There was nobody around, just the blue sky and meadows. Just when we were starting to make love, we heard this snorting sound and felt a huge nose sniffing at our heads and breathing down our necks, and it was a cow looking down at us. She shrieked, flew up and ran away, scared, and I had to take her home. It never happened.
Kathryn: Too bad. Paul? I’m sure you got a few…
Paul Turnmeon: I had this lovely girl in the neighborhood. I’d always wanted her and she wanted me too, she said. So, one warm summer evening we went in my car to the nearby hills to admire this beautiful panorama with the town below. I parked the car and put it on the brake and we lay down on the backseat and started kissing. I don’t know what happened, maybe the car shook a little, but suddenly the back slid down the hill into a ditch with a hard thud. She screamed and cried when I fell on her, not in the natural way of course, and said she’d hurt her back. It proved very hard to get out of the car and we had to walk three miles to get help. She never wanted to drive with me again. I guess it’s Fred’s turn now.
Kathryn: Okay, Fred, let’s hear it.
Fred Miserable: Contrary to Bob, I liked democratic girls, actually, they’re so liberal. Anyway, my most frustrating case ever happened after an office party when a sexy staff assistant finally agreed to come with me and we started kissing in the hall, and she said, high pitched, “Oh, Fred, if I don’t stop now, I won’t stop ever,” and she ran away to a dark area in the building. I stood there, perplexed, and went looking for her but she was nowhere to be found. Deeply disappointed I went home alone. I thought she’d fled to her husband. Then the next day she came to see me in the office and said: “Well, you really left me in shambles last night. Why didn’t you come after me?” And we never got together again.
Kathryn: How sad! Huda, would you dare to tell us your story?”
Huda Seksibombah: Well, I’m not in the category of Mars Man’s melting pot. But yes, love on Mars can be very disconcerting. I had this boy who sent me a signal for a positive beam, and I liked him, so I sent him a positive. We don’t make love the way you do on Earth. We get high when our electrodes meet and warm up until they begin to sparkle and the sparkling ends with an explosive plouffff! At night you can see many windows lighting up with plouffs. The art is to keep the plouff going as long as you can. So my electrodes were warming up and I was yearning to get my plouff and then his electrodes corroded because he had forgotten to load them up. Was I mad. He never got a positive again.
Kathryn: most interesting love life on Mars. Charles, what about you? You haven’t been on the show for a while.
Charles Hammerschmidt: Away on assignment, Kathryn. The Grammies and other serious business. I remember at high school that a girlfriend and I had decided to lose our virginity. There was a game going on that if you did it within one week, you had to come forward with the girl you had lost it with to prove it, and if you didn’t, you had to pay for a round of beer. We sneaked to a motel after dinner but when we were in bed at the point of losing it, my stomach got upset from what I ate and I had to fly to the window and hang out for fifteen minutes throwing up. We lost the game and she never went for dinner with me again.
Kathryn: Oh, good heavens. What a downer!
Mars Man: May we hear one of yours, Kathryn?
Kathryn: Time is up, dear viewers, till next time!