Talking China: Some of you may remember Mars Man, Chief Anchor at Mars City TV, married to Kathryn of Omaha TV in a happy mixed extraterrestrial marriage. Mars Man visits Omaha TV regularly, landing in a nearby razed cornfield with Space Scooter One. In view of all the current talk about trade negotiations with China, we repeat Mars Man’s visionary interview a year ago with Lu Kung Si, China’s Governor of the US, about the status of the former US, which is now a prosperous province of China, with the help of Bernie Sanders.
“Dear viewers, I am Kathryn Holliday, spouse of our dear Mars Man. Today we air Mars Man’s long-awaited interview with Lu Kung Si, China’s US representative, in his new office at the Empire State Building in New York, taped last July. We do not have permission from Lu Kung Si to air this interview, but we do so on behalf of Mars TV. Mars City TV, are you connected? All right, here we go:
Mars Man: “Lu, nice meeting you again. You have a magnificent office here. You can see the whole world. On a clear day, you can even see Beijing. On the other hand, I hear you have no clear days in Beijing.”
Lu: “Thanks for your welcoming words Mars Man, but we Chinese usually are more polite at the start of an interview instead of throwing mud.”
Mars Man: “Blame my Americanization for this, my apologies. After all, the US has been sending these rovers to Mars and they infected us with their bad manners.”
Lu: “You are forgiven, but I must give you a red flag in accordance with Chinese State Rule 180437. No democracy or free speech here anymore. One more and you are out the door.”
Mars Man: “How are you dealing with the US now that you have submitted it to your communist culture of serfdom?”
Lu: “I warn you Mars Man for framing your questions in an adverse manner. Americans will retain freedom more or less like Hong Kong, within prescribed limitations. We use American security systems, which we borrowed from the NSA, to control the Americans. Besides, we have over one hundred scientific torture methods, including our well-known water drop and slow death by a thousand cuts. No Miranda rights and Department of Justice susceptibilities. We have abolished the ACLU and their members have all been sent to labor camps or been incarcerated for life.”
Mars Man: “That must discomfort many American citizens. On Mars, we are concerned about China’s militarism and aggressive totalitarian methods. After you have made the US your subsidiary, other countries of Planet Earth fear losing their freedom. We understand Europe is next.”
Lu: “Who says we do not belong to the free world? We have elections too, you know, but we keep order with our one party system. The US lost the taste for discipline. Other countries, including Europe, should learn from us and adapt. Several are communist already. President Obama was our avid student and did most of our preparatory work so that we could just walk in here and take over without fundamental change. It was too late for Trump to stop that.”
Mars Man: “But your mercurial capitalist policies are pure state rule and make everyone unhappy.”
Lu: “You remember former President Obama crying on TV that he had this messy democracy to deal with? That’s what brought down the US.”
Mars Man: “But all your excess money is invested in your military.”
Lu: “Has Mars forgotten Planet Earth’s history? A century ago, China was invaded by Japan, Russia and Western countries, including the US, and Shanghai was made into an American brothel. We suffered a lot of misery and we don’t want that to happen again.”
Mars Man: “All right, but where do you need all that weaponry for that was reportedly fabricated with what they say stolen US technology?”
Lu: “Mars Man, I must warn you. You sound if Mars is on the side of the West what’s left of it. We only need to open NASA’s files to invade Mars, don’t forget that.”
“Mars Man: “Point taken, Lu, but please answer the question.”
“Lu: On the stolen technology, that’s because we are good at stealing and reverse engineering. We know math. The American kids did not do their math to America’s peril. We must rule the world to protect China. ”
Mars Man: “On Mars, we thought the land of Confucius was the image of peace, wisdom, and respect for humanity. Didn’t he say ‘Don’t impose on others what you don’t wish for yourself?’”
Lu: “That’s grossly taken out of context. Don’t confuse Confucius with Western linear thinking. Confucius also said: ‘The cautious never err.’ Read our White Paper on China’s Peaceful Development. It’s on the Web.”
Mars Man: “I don’t read Chinese. Give me the gist, please.”
Lu: “It makes the case that China does not interfere with other countries’ internal affairs and does not bully other countries, such as America did. We only come when invited, as we were by Obama and Walmart.”
Mars Man: “Your child policy has created a massive growth of only male people. What are the sexual implications of that?”
Lu: “These are questions you are not allowed to ask. Remember our Rule 180437. Your former Vice President Joe Biden fully understands this one-child policy, so go and ask him.”
Mars Man: “Let me put it differently then. How will you deal with the striking increase in Chinese male homosexuality with all these single men? I thought homosexuality was forbidden in China. What do these guys do if there aren’t any girls left?”
Lu: “We have a vibrant girl doll production in China that can satisfy the most sexually driven men. They giggle, coo, wriggle, kiss, moan, and can do it up and down. The military gets them free. We have all types, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanics, you name it. Demand in Province America has already exceeded our wildest expectations. Even lesbians love them. I can send you our vendor list if you want.”
Mars Man: “Thanks but no thanks, Lu, they don’t work on our Mars bodies. Goodbye and see you next time.”
Kathryn of Omaha TV: “That was it, dear audience. OMAHA TV risks to be closed by the Chinese authorities for broadcasting this interview. Only NBC is still functioning with their communist staff under Chinese state control. Soon we will have to travel to Mars to get the real news.”
A blank screen appears.
You heard it here first! Our well-informed sources tell us that Bernie Sanders is developing his Brain Power Tax as part of his goal of eliminating inequality! Individuals born with extraordinary talents they got free from God must pay a tax according to the level of their IQ. Of course, the great majority as we can see daily on TV won’t be affected by that, but guys like Bill Gates, Mark Zuckenberg and Cruz, and many others with known high IQs will be hit. We hear that even Obama will be taxed, despite the fact that many consider him a moron.
This tax is a great equalizer! What a brilliant idea! Don’t you feel annoyed that your neighbor in the class has that big brain while you are suffering to solve the simplest math problem? What did he do for it? Nops! He was just lucky, and now he looks at you if you are a nincompoop, while he is driving in a Rolls to his macmansion and you are heading for your shed in an old smoking Hyundai. It is rumored that the tax revenue will be entirely dedicated to a Fund for the Brainless and distributed annually at Christmas time to those who register as Unfortunate Dummies. Everybody who wants to benefit must show an IQ test by a certified Government Agency confirming you are below 90. If Unfortunate Dummies, mostly unskilled workers, increase their IQ scores, say up to 95 or even 100, they will receive a tax credit (even if they don’t pay taxes which is the majority).
Unfortunate Dummies must undergo an X-ray to show the size of their brain, before qualifying, and submit this at the Registration Center. Al Sharpton has already let it be known that he considers this discriminatory.
Additionally, applicants must submit a photograph clearly confirming that they are dumb.
This has also met with opposition from Al Sharpton, even though he said he would not qualify, as he rated his IQ well above 150, which is. however, questioned by many. Nonetheless, he named himself Master Dummy, and declared he would defend the registration rights of the Unfortunate Dummies in his camp. Bernie Sanders, wanting to make inroads into the black community, supported him in this role, while remarking that there were many many white Dummies as well. Jessica Simpson has already announced she will join Bernie Sander’s cause and would take up the case of white Dummies.
The White House has remained neutral in the matter, as they did not want to undermine the position of the former Secretary of State,
who said that one of her dumbest mistakes was to put a secret server in her bathroom spewing national security issues world-wide. The former Secretary also refrained from commentary. Indeed, many rated her deed of someone with an IQ well below 90, but we all know how well dumb people can do in life, just given the opportunity.
From rags to riches
We will see how well the proposal will fair in the National Elections. All Dummies Unite to improve your cash-flow, assuming you know what that means.