Mars Man to Mars TV: Viewers, we are on with the latest on Mother Earth. Our panel is in place. The first candidates for the 2016 US Presidential Election have announced.
The banalities have started. We will take our country back. We will roll back this and that. We will preserve America. We will tell the truth and not hide e-mails. We are disciplined, hard work, service, looking after YOUR wellbeing. And so be it. Dear panel, your views? Let me start with Elmer, our foremost political analyst.
Elmer: It is so boring. That Clinton women puts me to sleep. She walks like a peacock heaving her chest. Promising and promising what she never does herself. What do people want?
Huda: But I like peacocks, they are so peaceful in the park.
Shamus: Ever seen them when they get mad? They storm at you screaming like yelling firebrands and throw a lamp at your face if their wings can get a hold of one.
Pasha: But it would be so nice to have a woman president. That motherly smile when you wake up and go to bed, rockydee baby rockedee boo. Just imagine, three o’ clock and no nightmares anymore.
Huda: Yeah, much better than that smile of Ted Cruz. It’s so awful, it gives me the creeps. And he speaks without a teleprompter. That current president sleeps with one in his bed. No room for Michelle anymore. What a difference that would make. You can always make up something without a teleprompter. The current fellow never lies because his teleprompter shuts off when he does, at least that’s what the user manual says.
Talma: They must have disabled that device then. I have never seen an eight year American Presidency on Mother Earth with so many lies and so much division. That teleprompter must be made in China, like all stuff on Mother Earth. Only the Russian teleprompters are truthful by comparison. At least there they say what they mean and do what they say.
Pasha: Remember that Russian Reset Button that Clinton gave them with that big smile? The Russians made Russian dolls of it and every time you pick it up another doll pops up and screams “Njet!”
Mars Man: Any idea who wins the American elections this time?
Elmer: I hope it is not Clinton because she would continue the Obama ruin of America and may encourage the Russians and Chinese to come to Mars. She has only played politics and run nothing but the state department although she was never there. Even during Benghazi she was somewhere nobody wants to talk about, and she destroyed all her relevant government emails. But nobody bothers, because she is a woman and must be treated with respect that males don’t get.
Shamus: If I were an American, I would elect somebody with steel in his blood and no nonsense talk. Like that General Petraeus. But the American general electorate has a negative IQ and only wants celebrities, like a first black or a first woman, like their soaps, without thinking what harm their administrations will do to their country.
Talma: Would nobody care for somebody to get America back on its feet? After all, it’s the only country that once was considered exceptional. Six years of Obama have completely obliterated that.
Huda: I would vote for Jeb. He has gravitas in his face and can correct what the other Bushes did wrong. And he speaks Spanish with a Hispanic accent, so he can relate to the Spanish speaking part of the USA. Grows by the day. Only problem is that most of these newcomers are illiterate, even in Spanish. They might just vote for Clinton when she hollers I will give you more dinero. Because that’s the only English they understand. Her husband says she can scream very loud.
Pasha: I would like Carla Fiorina better. There’s a woman who knows how to manage. Got from secretary to the top of Hewlett Packard. Biggest merger ever, with Compact. She can put that Clinton ten times in her pocket. And she will know how to deal with that Obamacare computer that goes flat whenever you have a heart attack or tummy cramps.
Mars Man: So far, nobody has taken a stand on something substantial, like the religious murders and ethnic cleansing that is going on in the Middle East. Media and people in America raise their voices in a huge chorus and destroy property for racial issues on the street but I see no protest marches about these religious murders, Christians, Jews, all over again. That current man in the white house only talks about the Crusades and how bad Christians were then, one thousand years ago. But Muslims were bad then too and killed thousands because they did not want to convert. That’s why the Crusaders went in, and that Husain fellow does not want to say that’s what they should do again. Only that Wisconsin governor has made a comment that the Iran deal is a bad one and that he would screw it back.
Huda: Yeah, but he is only a governor.
Talma: So? At least he stopped the socialists, moved the state from red into black, and was twice re-elected.
Elmer: So was the current socialist tenant of the white house, and he increased the debt by more than all former presidents combined, did nothing to get the economy going, still tepid after six years of stimulus and what have you, and a substantial decline in the labor participation rate. They say that unemployment is 5.5 percent but actual unemployment is 10.6 percent.
Pasha: Thus, by your rationale, those state elections are not comparable to national elections?
Elmer: Exactly, because at the national level the dumb electorate is exponentially bigger and is supported by the national media that lives on them.
Mars Man: In other words, hold your breath. That’s a fearful outlook for the USA and Mother Earth.
Dear viewers, see you next time.
and Kathryn from Omaha TV
Kathryn of Omaha TV is on, Mars TV is connected, and Mars Man is with Barack Husain Obama in Honolulu in an undisclosed location under a coconut tree.
Kathryn: Go ahead, Mars Man, you are on!
Mars Man: Thank you, Kathryn. Viewers, we are here with the US President hiding in Hawai. Dear Mr. President, how does it feel to be on eternal vacation in your homeland?
BHO: I take the Fifth.
Mars Man: Excuse me, sir, but you are not in Congress. You can speak freely here, no fear. Your obedient servants in America must’ve felt that they needed that new car smell you talked about a bit earlier than you expected.
BHO: They’re misguided. My smell is pretty good. Just got half a gallon of aged Old Spice on sale in the drugstore. As for my eternal vacation, that’s in the eye of the beholder. Eric Holder will get me back soon.
Mars Man: But Holder has also been deposed.
BHO: He will find a subtle way, as he did with Fast and Furious. And there is still the Executive Order. And I have my pen and phone. And I still have a free Obama phone, and if they take that away, I have a few boxes of them left in my wine cellar here.
Mars Man: You must’ve heard that John Kerry went to Paris to apologize for your absence at the World Rally in Paris and that he was accompanied by a singer totally unknown in France nobody could hear.
BHO: We tried Beyoncé, but the Military blocked her from going. Joe Biden was willing, but he sings false.
Mars Man: You must feel pretty impoverished here in your new hiding space.
BHO: It’s no different from the White House. We were pretty broke, anyway. And have a lot of debt.
Mars Man: Something on the order of nineteen plus trillion, we hear. That’s a great legacy.
BHO: The same as other Presidents. Bill and Hillary were dead poor when they left. That freaky Bush had to sell his football club to pay off his. I’ll just write another book and get my money back.
Mars Man: Hillary’s publisher lost millions on hers.
BHO: Sure, but she kept the ten million dollar advance. I can write and speak a lot about my legacy, and they’re willing to pay me high fees in the millions, dwarfing Hillary’s extra fees for nonsense speeches about how poor she was. I grew up in the ghettos of Nairobi and Jakarta. I can talk about my birth certificate. Best hoax ever.
Mars Man: What legacy would you speak of?
BHO: I have many. Take Obamacare. Carries my name. Historical. Fast and Furious. To rub that silly nose of Arizona Sherriff Joe Arpaio in it. IRS Audits of those wealthy Republicans that yielded a lot of money from unlawful Cayman tax shelters, and stopped those subversive Tea Party extremists. Worth at least ten speeches at a million a pop.
Mars Man: But your Democrat party lost the elections.
BHO: You’re wrong. We won. Two-thirds didn’t vote because they supported my policies.
Mars Man: But the Republicans have the majority in Congress thanks to voters not supporting your policies.
BHO: All rubbish. What Republicans? They always cave when I raise my finger or call on Sharpton to blackmail them. Why do we need a Republican party anyway? One party, the Democrats, is good enough. Would save the taxpayers a lot of money.
Mars Man: What are the many other legacies?
BHO: Stopping the Keystone pipeline. After all, I have a lot of shares in Buffett’s railcars transporting oil. Solar energy, called Obamasun. Millions of acres covered with solar panels. All made in China. Biofuels. Windmill farms.
Mars Man: But we are told Solyndra went bankrupt with five hundred million taxpayer money gone down the drain, the electrical car got busted, and wind farms kill the American Eagle, your treasured national symbol.
BHO: In any war, be it drones or fossil fuels, we face collateral damage. An unintended consequence we shall have to accept as the cost of doing business. As for the national symbol, too bad for the bird, but Obama’s face would be good enough, especially because it’s black. And black is beautiful.
Mars Man: Benghazi was a major failure of your Administration. Four brave Americans dead among which your Ambassador. Why was that poopoed by your underlings?
BHO: I’ve said many times before that Benghazi was Hillary’s Department. I can’t help her three o’clock phone was off the hook. I tried my best to help her out by sending Susan around the Sunday shows and because Susan loves me she did a fabulous job. Everyone believed she told the truth, as we always do.
Mars Man: But you said you could keep your doctor, your insurance plan and pay much less premium, and none of that proved true.
BHO: That’s old hat. We’ve explained all that. Sometimes the truth is better not told.
Mars Man: What is your view on Trumps’s take-over of your Government?
BHO: It’s illegitimate. They won’t get away with it. My underlings have launched an appeal to the High Court.
Mars Man: Judge Roberts may not be as friendly to you this time as he was with Obamacare. Both of you seem to have peculiar views on what is legitimate. But the way we see it on Mars, things will be a lot better in the USA, even the world. Your trillion foreign debts are going to be paid off; demonstrations will stop, and Russia and China will shut up. The IRS will be abolished, and taxes will be greatly reduced. Americans believe in themselves again. People say they’re relieved not to see you on TV anymore with your hands wobbling while you’re running down the steps of Air Force One.
BHO: Don’t ridicule my daily exercise. I can’t play golf all the time. As for Russia, we made rubble of it. China needs our money for our Solyndra panels. Iran will get their bomb regardless, so why bother. Not even the military can do anything about that. It will put the Shiites and the Sunni Muslims on a level playing field. Israel has the bomb already, so why not Saudi Arabia, too.
Mars Man: People on Mars are glad we are away far enough when it all blows up.
BHO: That’s how it is said in the Scripts: doomsday is here. I said I would fundamentally transform America and I did. Even the world. You can’t take that away from me. That’s my greatest legacy. I have to go back to Michelle now. She promised me a dinner of suckling pig if I voted for her Senate seat.
Mars Man: Fair enough, Mr. President. Greetings from Mars…..
The TV screen goes blank because a bomb went off somewhere. We are trying to fix the connection.