The Friends are back from winter sport, year-end festivities, dinners by candlelight, romance and family gatherings at the Christmas tree and the fireplace. All are in a good mood to face the challenges of 2020. Of course, like everybody else, they are bewildered about how wildly Congress spends their tax dollars on wasteful politics.
Frank: “Let’s do a game. I name a person or a subject, and each of you typifies it. Here we go: “Impeachment.” Melissa, you first.”
Melissa: “Protection of the Constitution. Nobody is above the law.”
Frank: “Any nobody in particular?”
Melissa: “Trump, of course.”
Cindy: “What did he do above the law?”
Melissa: “Omit asking Congress permission to talk to Zelensky and when he did anyway he undermined Biden’s credibility for his political benefit.”
Frank: “Mary, is that ‘above the law’?”
Mary: “I don’t give a hoot. I don’t like people listening in to my telephone calls in the first place to tell the world what I said, blame me for something, and then take me to court. To me, that’s above the law.”
Caitlyn: “I agree. Congress has been trying to impeach for three years, and set up a spy ring in the White House, doing everything to find something they could finally impeach Trump for. That’s political spying on the White House and that’s above the law.”
Frank: Next one, whistleblower? Mary?”
Mary: “A windbag! A traitor. He won’t pay my gas bill with his tricks. This guy was a dirty CIA spy. Trump now knows he can’t trust anybody working with him. How is he going to talk to any world leader now?”
Fred: “What’s a whistleblower? Someone who blows up something. He did but for what good.”
Melissa: “He brought abuse of power to light, Fred.”
Fred: “Abuse? If somebody in your office secretly worked to undermine your career, wouldn’t you request your personnel officer to dig into that? I would!”
Melissa: “In Trump’s case, that’s election fraud.”
Caitlyn: “What about the Democrat senators who contributed to Burisma gas? And the Obama administration supporting Ukrainian gas and blocking ours?”
Frank: “Good point, Caitlyn. Next one: ‘Shifty Shiff’. Ted, you haven’t said anything so far. Go!”
Ted: ” ‘Slimy Schiff’. Ever seen such a face? Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, wonderful couple, with Schumer as their godfather granddad. LA has become a swamp.”
Melissa: “Wrong. I was there last week. Everybody lives happily together, rich and poor, rags to riches.”
Jason enters with a plate full of beer. “I heard that, Melissa. What about the poop on your doorstep?”
Frank: “Okay, next one: ‘The Impeachment Process.’ Cindy, you’re a lawyer, what’s your take?”
Cindy: “A Ramshackle. These so-called House prosecutors would be laughed out of my courtroom. The requirements are ‘treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors.’ They couldn’t come up with any arguments to support these crimes. So they made up their own. So it’s doomed to fail.”
Ted: “Ukraine is a murky country, least developed, one of the worst corruption cases on the Richter scale. When it seceded from the USSR at its collapse, it did not get rid of the stereotype Russian corruption.”
Caitlyn: “Still, Obama gave them soft military aid. Why wouldn’t we make sure that our tax dollars are going to be used efficiently and for the purpose intended, in particular, if you give them more money with lethal aid?”
Frank: “Right. And what had those Bidens to do with all that tax money? They were in the midst of the corruption business, as Biden eminently displayed on TV. If there was any quid pro quo it’s that one.”
Ted: “The Democrat party has lowered the bar for impeachment to a political football. What will happen if Biden gets elected?”
Cindy: “Obvious. The Republicans will impeach him for Quid Pro Quo on day one.”
Frank: “There you go. So, what about Rudy Juliani? Melissa?”
Melissa: “An Ukrainian crook. Bolton called him an unpinned hand grenade ready to explode.”
Caitlyn: “Juliani’s statements on TV sound like a Vince Flynn novel. There’s a lot more dirt on the Ukrainian side than we ever want to know.”
Frank: “Does anyone want a presidential candidate who contributed our hard-earned tax dollars to Ukrainian crooks? Scream “yes” or “no”.
All friends, even Melissa, scream “No!”
(Confidential information: Melissa votes for Bernie Sanders…)
Frank: “Last question: Nicknames for Democrat candidates. We already have Pocahontes for Warner, Sleepy Joe for Biden, The Nutty Professor for Sanders, what about Buttiegek? Caitlyn?”
Caitlyn: “Bootiecrack? Bootiequack?”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiecrack? Say aye.”
A few say “Aye.”
Frank: “Vote for Bootiequack?”
An overwhelming “Aye.” The Friends hoist their glasses.
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The Friends are gathered in the Hullahoo Bar for their Christmas drinks despite last week’s acrimonious debate. The bar is festive, decorated with a brilliant Christmas tree, bells along the walls, and joyful Christmas carols playing in the background.
Let’s listen in.
Melissa: “Sure I am frustrated! Pelosi should have sent the impeachment to the Senate! But she may be smarter than Coalminer McConnell.”
Frank: “I told you the whole thing was a prank to drug her left-wing.”
Mary: “You mean she’s not going to pass it on after all the fireworks?”
Frank: “She doesn’t need to. Critics on TV say she’s making herself more and more ridiculous, but I think she’s foxier than you think: Her majority, even though diminished, got what they wanted all along, they got Trump “impeached”, quote-unquote. So they went home to jubilate and overdose at the Democrat Christmas tree.”
Mary: “She just ditches it? But that’s making havoc of the impeachment process!”
Cindy: “I agree with you but also with Frank. Pelosi knows the art of double-crossing. She satisfied her left, gave Trump a black eye, and moves on with the business of signing on to the Trade Deal and the budget, as if nothing happened, to give manna to her more moderate followers in the swing states.”
Ted: “But that leaves the Senate waiting for nops!”
Tom: “Waiting for Godot, you mean.”
Caitlyn: “She calculates that by the next November elections nobody remembers all the fuss.”
Cindy: “She keeps it as a harbinger and she’ll use it each time when she needs it to annoy Trump.”
Fred: “But that’s hyper Machiavellic! Utter hypocrisy!”
Caitlyn: “Hypocrisy and politics are synonymous, Fred.”
Melissa: “Times should have named Pelosi the Woman of the Year. She managed to schmooze her left and right at the same time, and walk away unscathed.”
Fred: “But what happens next? She’s keeping a sword of Damocles hanging over everyone!”
Melissa: “Only over Trump and the Republican Party. I bet she’ll keep the house and remain Speaker, when a Democratic President is elected.”
Mary: “And a Democratic Senate, so that I get my free rent. And then she can convict Trump and remove him from office with her Senate majority if he gets re-elected.”
Jason, bringing in new beers, turns around: “Don’t keep dreaming, Mary, my job offer is still open! Join and you can pay your rent!”
Tom: “Who would otherwise pay your rent, Mary? Me, the poor taxpayer?”
Mary: “I’ll vote for Bloomberg. He’s got money enough and will pay. He got me a free soda last time!”
Jason, going back to tap more beer: “You can’t live on soda’s alone, Mary!”
Caitlyn: “The Dems won’t nominate another billionaire. Besides, Bloomberg has no charisma. Trump would make marshmallow soup of him.”
Melissa: “For once I agree with you. Biden is a far better fighter.”
Fred: “Ha, ha! Biden said he would beat Trump in the back alley of a prom! He can only bite his wife’s fingers. Give me a break.”
Frank: “And what would Biden do to Trump in the debates, Melissa?”
Caitlyn: “Let me answer that. He’d choose truth over facts, look for smart, abolish chest-thumping on Twitter, and share America’s lunch with China.”
Tom: “And put Hunter back on the Burisma board.”
Mary: “And pay for my gas bill! Shut down fracking and import all we need from Ukraine.”
Jason comes by with a tray full of drinks, and says: “There’s somebody in the back again who pays for all this!”
The friends turn their heads. It’s President Trump this time, smiling broadly.
President Trump: “Hey guys! You see! I am not impeached!”
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