and Kathryn from Omaha TV
Kathryn of Omaha TV is on, Mars TV is connected, and Mars Man is with Barack Husain Obama in Honolulu in an undisclosed location under a coconut tree.
Kathryn: Go ahead, Mars Man, you are on!
Mars Man: Thank you, Kathryn. Viewers, we are here with the US President hiding in Hawai. Dear Mr. President, how does it feel to be on eternal vacation in your homeland?
BHO: I take the Fifth.
Mars Man: Excuse me, sir, but you are not in Congress. You can speak freely here, no fear. Your obedient servants in America must’ve felt that they needed that new car smell you talked about a bit earlier than you expected.
BHO: They’re misguided. My smell is pretty good. Just got half a gallon of aged Old Spice on sale in the drugstore. As for my eternal vacation, that’s in the eye of the beholder. Eric Holder will get me back soon.
Mars Man: But Holder has also been deposed.
BHO: He will find a subtle way, as he did with Fast and Furious. And there is still the Executive Order. And I have my pen and phone. And I still have a free Obama phone, and if they take that away, I have a few boxes of them left in my wine cellar here.
Mars Man: You must’ve heard that John Kerry went to Paris to apologize for your absence at the World Rally in Paris and that he was accompanied by a singer totally unknown in France nobody could hear.
BHO: We tried Beyoncé, but the Military blocked her from going. Joe Biden was willing, but he sings false.
Mars Man: You must feel pretty impoverished here in your new hiding space.
BHO: It’s no different from the White House. We were pretty broke, anyway. And have a lot of debt.
Mars Man: Something on the order of nineteen plus trillion, we hear. That’s a great legacy.
BHO: The same as other Presidents. Bill and Hillary were dead poor when they left. That freaky Bush had to sell his football club to pay off his. I’ll just write another book and get my money back.
Mars Man: Hillary’s publisher lost millions on hers.
BHO: Sure, but she kept the ten million dollar advance. I can write and speak a lot about my legacy, and they’re willing to pay me high fees in the millions, dwarfing Hillary’s extra fees for nonsense speeches about how poor she was. I grew up in the ghettos of Nairobi and Jakarta. I can talk about my birth certificate. Best hoax ever.
Mars Man: What legacy would you speak of?
BHO: I have many. Take Obamacare. Carries my name. Historical. Fast and Furious. To rub that silly nose of Arizona Sherriff Joe Arpaio in it. IRS Audits of those wealthy Republicans that yielded a lot of money from unlawful Cayman tax shelters, and stopped those subversive Tea Party extremists. Worth at least ten speeches at a million a pop.
Mars Man: But your Democrat party lost the elections.
BHO: You’re wrong. We won. Two-thirds didn’t vote because they supported my policies.
Mars Man: But the Republicans have the majority in Congress thanks to voters not supporting your policies.
BHO: All rubbish. What Republicans? They always cave when I raise my finger or call on Sharpton to blackmail them. Why do we need a Republican party anyway? One party, the Democrats, is good enough. Would save the taxpayers a lot of money.
Mars Man: What are the many other legacies?
BHO: Stopping the Keystone pipeline. After all, I have a lot of shares in Buffett’s railcars transporting oil. Solar energy, called Obamasun. Millions of acres covered with solar panels. All made in China. Biofuels. Windmill farms.
Mars Man: But we are told Solyndra went bankrupt with five hundred million taxpayer money gone down the drain, the electrical car got busted, and wind farms kill the American Eagle, your treasured national symbol.
BHO: In any war, be it drones or fossil fuels, we face collateral damage. An unintended consequence we shall have to accept as the cost of doing business. As for the national symbol, too bad for the bird, but Obama’s face would be good enough, especially because it’s black. And black is beautiful.
Mars Man: Benghazi was a major failure of your Administration. Four brave Americans dead among which your Ambassador. Why was that poopoed by your underlings?
BHO: I’ve said many times before that Benghazi was Hillary’s Department. I can’t help her three o’clock phone was off the hook. I tried my best to help her out by sending Susan around the Sunday shows and because Susan loves me she did a fabulous job. Everyone believed she told the truth, as we always do.
Mars Man: But you said you could keep your doctor, your insurance plan and pay much less premium, and none of that proved true.
BHO: That’s old hat. We’ve explained all that. Sometimes the truth is better not told.
Mars Man: What is your view on Trumps’s take-over of your Government?
BHO: It’s illegitimate. They won’t get away with it. My underlings have launched an appeal to the High Court.
Mars Man: Judge Roberts may not be as friendly to you this time as he was with Obamacare. Both of you seem to have peculiar views on what is legitimate. But the way we see it on Mars, things will be a lot better in the USA, even the world. Your trillion foreign debts are going to be paid off; demonstrations will stop, and Russia and China will shut up. The IRS will be abolished, and taxes will be greatly reduced. Americans believe in themselves again. People say they’re relieved not to see you on TV anymore with your hands wobbling while you’re running down the steps of Air Force One.
BHO: Don’t ridicule my daily exercise. I can’t play golf all the time. As for Russia, we made rubble of it. China needs our money for our Solyndra panels. Iran will get their bomb regardless, so why bother. Not even the military can do anything about that. It will put the Shiites and the Sunni Muslims on a level playing field. Israel has the bomb already, so why not Saudi Arabia, too.
Mars Man: People on Mars are glad we are away far enough when it all blows up.
BHO: That’s how it is said in the Scripts: doomsday is here. I said I would fundamentally transform America and I did. Even the world. You can’t take that away from me. That’s my greatest legacy. I have to go back to Michelle now. She promised me a dinner of suckling pig if I voted for her Senate seat.
Mars Man: Fair enough, Mr. President. Greetings from Mars…..
The TV screen goes blank because a bomb went off somewhere. We are trying to fix the connection.
and Kathryn of Omaha TV
The Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms show is on and Mars City TV and Omaha TV are connected through Video Screen.
Kathryn to Mars Man: Welcome to Omaha TV! The only TV station still operative under the new Temporary Military Regime! Our team is here in full for the first session in the New Year and we are watching the enormous rally in Paris in defense of free speech and against radical Islam. All major leaders are there including Fatah’s Abbas. The US Administration seems conspicuously absent. A missed opportunity but in line with their policy of appeasement.
Mars Man: Good point, Kathryn. This killing of freedom of the press, freedom of speech and the spread of political correctness on Mother Earth has culminated in the tragedy in Paris. How are you coming out on this down there?
Kathryn: Our panel is as usual very divided on these issues. The previous US Administration now deposed did not want to call a spade a spade and avoided systematically to call terrorist violence Islamic Jihad, even though Jihad is a term used in the Koran. Instead of taking these issues head-on, Eric Holder preferred to spend his time to push for changing the Redskins name and accusing General Petraeus of having revealed State secrets about matters such as the cost of Pentagon toilets to his mistress during pillow talk. Let’s give the floor to our panel here. Fred, go ahead.
Fred Miserable: It was about time Petraeus took over to protect American democracy and its exceptionalism, the only country that has free speech in its Constitution. But I’m afraid that so much harm has already been done that counter action by the US Government will be spineless and just for show.
Charles: Once you let the devil out of the box, it’s very hard to get him back in. For decades, Western governments, especially France, have been pussyfooting Islamic extremism, both at home and in their former colonies, because they didn’t want to face growing political unrest. You all know the French saying ‘après nous le déluge’. France established enclaves all over its country, so called no-go zones, to let Islamic communities from their former colonies create their own civil societies. These NGZs are constituted of unassimilated French nationals and have become ticking time-bombs. Several have been going off in Paris before, as well as other cities, but this last one is a harsh reminder that instead of diminishing unrest this policy of weakness and appeasement has only solidified jihadist aggression.
Fred Miserable: The awful reality is we have those NGZs even in the US and nobody talks about it.
Kathryn: What’s Mars’s view on this?
Shamus: Let me start of by saying we don’t have the same religious confusion on Mars as on Mother Earth. Here we all bow to Jupiter once a year and for the rest we just behave in accordance with solid principles of justice, regardless of whether you bow or not bow to Jupiter. If you don’t behave you risk being dragged to the market place and have other Martians throw rotten tomatoes in your face.
Elmer: One of our principles is free speech like on Mother Earth but you should not insult religious belief, whatever belief you practice. But on Mother Earth, free speech covers insulting someone else’s religion. Here this is forbidden by law, as is screaming “fire” on Mother Earth in the cinema to scare people. Religion is people’s souls and therefore über-sensitive. That’s playing with fire and underscored by the shooting in Paris. There’re lots of things you can make fun of but not of the sacred icons of someone’s religion.
Marlene Femenazi: Satire is a complex matter: where do you draw the line? I think when drawing a joke you have to keep in mind, “Am I not too offensive.” American cartoon satire maybe different from that in Europe that seems a bit more freewheeling. In my view you have to maintain a certain decency and Charlie Hebdo may have overstepped this boundary, even though they knew perfectly well what they were doing.
Huda: Making funny cartoons of Seksibombah in short skirts and big boops is fine with me. A big seller in the Middle East, I’m told. But women in your Middle East are not allowed to look at them. That’s hypocritical.
Pasha: How could they even look at them in burkas? But I hear that women throw off their burkas as soon as they set foot in the house and walk around in shorts and put on lipstick. Seems indeed a very hypocritical society.
Mars Man: Not less hypocritical than Mother Earth’s western governments. Appeasement in any form or shape is defeatist. History on Mother Earth is full of examples. You give a finger to the blackmailer and he takes your arm. Hitler did it with Neville Chamberlain. It led to World War II with 50 million dead. The Ayatollah has been doing the same with Obama, and unless checked it will lead to World War III with many more dead. Give money to Fatah and Hamas to appease them and it will lead to another Middle East War. We see Abbas walking up front with other leaders joining in the protest against radical Islam and killing of journalists, but what will he do when he is back home? Ask for more money that will be funneled to his terrorists?
Shamus: Don’t fight ISIL’s expansion and they will come after you, much bigger than in Paris, and before you know it you have another war with many more casualties. Appeasing jihadists will lead to more attacks because they see that you are a pussycat and they are winning. Mother Earth’s politicians are cowards until their peoples rise up and demand they protect them against evil. That’s why you have Petraeus and the military of the US taking over the Government, to protect the US Constitution, even though they had to do it with an unconstitutional act.
Charles: The boiling point has been reached. Being sweet to your enemy never works. Understanding them and defeating them does. American and European leaders must enforce respect built on fear that you won’t let them run over you. On the other hand, I agree with Elmer of Mars TV that you don’t poke in the fire by insulting people’s sacred religious icons because it causes resentment. What’s the point.
Elmer: Your Muslim calendar starts in 632 and has now reached year 1435. The same century that you had your Spanish Inquisition, burning Jews and Muslims on stakes because they did not adhere to Catholic religion and your Pope. You can compare that to Radical Islam today. Your Catholics believed at that time they were right. Today’s Islamic radicals believe they are right. Who believes anything in the West nowadays except free speech? Christians are pursued even in the USA today by atheists and socalled nonbelievers in the press. I predict it will take another 600 years before Islam and Christianity, if it still exists given your secular and atheist society, come together like your Catholics and Protestants did only recently.
Kathryn: All well said, but nobody over here seems to take that seriously, least the US Media. In the Middle East they make fun of Christ and nobody does anything about it here. What’s the view of Bob Demmofool, if you are able to talk after your mishap in Mexico.
Bob: Free speech is embedded in our Constitution. Unlimited, except for the few exceptions such as crying fire in the cinema, but the US President is president of all and cannot single out one religion as evil.
Henriette Forgetmenot: That doesn’t address the issue of going over the line with free speech. I’ve no objection regulating that religious insults even as jokes on Islamic icons should be limited, but only on the condition that all nations do that with Christianity as well, and that we fine any cartoonists wherever they are that do not. But you go to court to protest it and don’t terrorize and kill for it. No religion can claim supremacy over another. Catholic religion had to admit that as well, though they took their time.
Charles: Speeches and rallies against Islamic extremism make a clear point but only action counts. France and the rest of Europe must address their policies of digging their heads into the sand with the spread of no-go zones where Sharia is practiced. These cancer cells in western culture and society will eventually destroy it and democracy itself. We shall have to see what happens after the rallies. The conspicuous absence of the US is ominous and felt as a betrayal of American values.
Paul Turnmeon: That Hayat Boumedienne has a sweet face, though. Sad eyes, like someone distressed and disillusioned. I wish I could have a coffee with her to find out what she really is and thinks.
Marlene Femenazi: She is also shown holding a gun in your face. Happy coffee clatsh, Paul. Islamic radical women blow themselves up in coffee shops. Good luck.
Fred Miserable: Especially when the shops are Jewish, such as that kosher shop in Paris. There is still widespread anti-Semitism in France. Don’t forget France is Dreyfus country. It’s not only Muslims wanting to get rid of Jews.
Mars Man: If I may, Kathryn, it is gratifying to see the outpouring support for free speech and a free press, but the Media in your country are amongst the biggest sinners in terms of political correctness, with your President as their Commander.
Fred Miserable: Point well made. All of our networks consist of leftist liberals, most of our major cable stations and papers are, and all is encouraged by a president who said he would transform America. Which he did and succeeded in to a large extent.
Shamus: What we hope on Mars is that the new temporary military government will stop this hemorrhaging of American values and stands up for Western culture and philosophy and brings America back to living up to its intrinsic values.
Kathryn: We share your hope. This must be the end of our show, but much more will be said about this subject in the future. Next week we hope to have an interview with the deposed President in Hawaii. The latest news is that the Petreaus Interim Military Government will send him bills to sign but he cannot veto them. If he tries, they will take his golf sticks away, we hear. Dear viewers, both on Mars and Mother Earth, see you next time.
Mars City TV is suddenly in uproar. Mars Man and his team are watching Mother Earth’s TV signals in astonishment. General Petraeus states on Omaha TV that the US Military have taken over the White House!
Dear Americans: After long deliberations and following increasingly aggravating presidential decision-making, gravely damaging the safety and well-being of the United States of America and its citizens, and after conferring with the US Founding Fathers in Heaven, the Military have found it necessary to depose President Obama and relieve him from his functions, first of all Commander in Chief. The President is currently under house arrest in Hawai and is only allowed to play golf. Air Force One has been repatriated by the Air Force.
To restore the foundation of the United States, the following are the main decisions taken:
- General Petraeus will head a temporary government to maintain critical services. This temporary government will stay in place until an interim president is appointed. This interim president will stay in office until the elections of 2016.
- On national policy, the Secretaries of the State Department, Defense, Justice, Homeland Security, Treasury, Interior, Energy and the EPA have been relieved of their functions. They will be replaced by senior military officers. Only critical personnel will remain in office. General Petraeus will be in charge of Defense and run the temporary government from there. The White House will be closed.
- FBI, The Secret Service and the CIA have aligned themselves with the Military Government and will continue their functions. So will the police.
- Curfew will be in place from Christmas Eve through January 2 from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m.
- Protest marches will not be tolerated. Military personnel and police will be patrolling the streets to keep order. Every person disrespecting the order will be arrested and imprisoned for an indefinite time, and be fed only water and bread.
- The mayor of New York and Mr. Al Sharpton have been arrested for disturbing the national order and are placed under house arrest indefinitely. Sharpton will also be forced to pay all his taxes due. Mr. Jesse Jackson has been advised not to show up instead.
- Rudy Giuliani has agreed to replace De Blasio until a new mayor is elected in the future.
- Congress is requested to stay home for the time being as they are not doing anything useful anyway. The Capitol has been put under military control.
- Corporate taxes have been halved. Foreign assets may be repatriated without penalty if reinvested in the United States.
- Obamacare has been put in abeyance pending a critical review of its dysfunctional elements. Previous healthcare insurance policies may be reinstated.
- The IRS has been placed under military control. All officers – either in function or retired – tainted by the IRS scandals have been put under house arrest without pay. All tapes are being released.
- During the curfew period, only NPR will be allowed to be in the air, both radio and TV, and will provide all interim government information but dissenting liberal comments will not be tolerated. In addition, radio will play only Christian music and TV shows will consist of Big Bird and Masterpiece Theater. NPR will show the movie “The Interview” forthwith.
- On foreign policy, the nuclear sites of North Korea and Iran were destroyed overnight. Cuba relations will remain as before and President Obama’s opening to that criminal government has been rescinded.
- Construction of the Keystone Pipeline from Canada will start immediately.
- Russia has been told that all its external finances in the USA have been blocked. Any further invasion of Ukraine will entail immediate military response. Increased US oil production will further derail the ruble. Similarly, no other expansion to free neighboring states formerly under the USSR will be tolerated
- China has been informed not to use this interim situation to expand its hemisphere in the Far East. US warships are in place near the China Sea. Any interference will lead to increasing tariffs and taxes on Chinese goods and all Christmas returns will be sent back to Beijing COD.
- All political correctness will be disbanded. Terrorists are terrorists, Islam will not anymore be called a peaceful religion until the Middle-Eastern nations will rise up and fight their own terrorists and beat them.
- All funding of Palestine has been suspended until it stops terrorism.
- Israel will receive full US support. Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS will be fought with all might.
- Taxes on oil revenues and cigarettes will be earmarked to repay the US foreign debt as of today.
Other information will follow as the interim government actions will unfold.
Mars Man, trying desperately to reach Kathryn in Omaha, to his team at the Mars TV studio: This is unprecedented!
Shamus: I’ve seen it coming. Unavoidable.
Huda: I’ll miss seeing Michelle in her night gown!
Pasha: I can’t stand Big Bird!
Elmer: Go look at war movies by Oliver North on Fox.
Mars Man to Kathryn, after finally having made contact with her: What’s going on?
Kathryn: Apart from NPR, we are the only TV station allowed to operate. Everyone in the USA is in deep shock, but a majority of the people are very happy with the military take-over. The Government of the USA had reached rock-bottom and the country was falling apart.
Mars Man: any news from Mr. Obama?
Kathryn: Insiders tell me he doesn’t seem aware that anything happened as he is stuck at his eighteenth hole.
Mars Man: What happened to North Korea?
Kathryn: As far as we know, the US bombed their nuclear sites to smithereens. Kim is reportedly in tears because he can’t watch porn on the internet anymore. My panel has shrunk to two persons. Bob Demmofool has fled to Mexico and was promptly incarcerated for carrying a loaded gun. If past experience is any guide, we won’t see him back. Charles is here.
Charles: Washington D.C. is like a grave yard. Nobody around. All restaurants are closed. Police has finally a quiet time as protests were banned. The White House is dark. Nobody is interested to jump the fences anymore.
Paul Turnmeon: The sad thing is that the parades have been canceled. No sexy girls will be seen this time.
Kathryn: It’s closing time here now. No 24/7 TV anymore. People must read at least one good book per week. All guns will be banned from kid movies. Donald Duck and Micky Mouse are back again. I think we will return to the good old days of yesterday. Progressive Liberalism has failed completely and brought us to near-complete disaster. We will get back to you when we can in the New Year.
Mars Man: This gives us some rest! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too!
In spite of inordinate spatial static, due to North Korean and Chinese Cyberspace warring, Omaha TV was able to line up with Mars City TV, and Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms is on air.
Kathryn: Dear viewers, given the overwhelming reactions on this week’s events on Planet Earth, we have an extended panel today for our discussions. Foremost, it seems America is under heavy attack from its own citizens. World-wide many commentators are joining the fray. Let me start with Mars. Can you see and hear us right?
Mars Man: We can see everything thanks to your infallible Transport Authority Exray see-through machine we have installed at our Mars Orbit.
Kathryn: Great, but please don’t leak copies on the Internet. What are your views on the already infamous CIA report released by the Democratic party?
Mars Man: America seems in a free fall. What’s happening to what they once called the greatest country on Planet Earth? In 2001, everyone was up in arms about the heinous attack on the Trade Center Towers; close to 3000 people lost their lives in the most cruel circumstances and the economy was blown apart for years. Leaders said we will get them alive or death. Everyone agreed on the CIA to do its heroic work. Only because they checked into that Feinstein senator’s computer when she was apparently preparing false information, and revengeful because they lost the mid-term elections so badly, was this one-sided report released. Shooting yourself in the foot at the cost of national security is a criminal act on Mars.
Kathryn: There is a growing backlash here on the report and the ominous timing of its publication, notably at the same time that the congressional hearing with that professor Gruber about his involvement in Obamacare was scheduled. Just trying to remove it from the evening news. Is this opinion shared on Mars?
Shamus Econometricus: Fully. The Democrat President did not do anything to stop its publication and showed again his prevalence for stating endlessly that it was all Bush’s fault. At the same time he blew a huge hole in his country’s credibility. Even on Mars we are losing it. As Mars Man said, under the Mars Constitution, this is a criminal act and we would put that type of politicians in permanent solitary confinement in our jail on the Moon, with only broccoli and raw carrots as daily sustenance, and left overs from the International Space Station.
Huda Seksibombah: I wish that that lady Feinstein had worn some more appropriate clothes than that grandma outfit for the occasion of her incomprehensible speech. Funeral attire would definitely have been more becoming.
Kathryn: I’d think so too. I see Elmer is back on the Mars TV panel. How are you? What do you think of all this?
Elmer: America was the last standing tree on Mother Earth. All others have lost their leaves or are growing old and tired and losing limbs, and those religious fanatics from the Middle Ages keep cutting them down. My professor in economics said, invite a group of sheep to mow your lawn and before you know it, it’s a desert what’s left. American liberals are the same. They seem to think they don’t deserve American good life and are out to destroy it so they become like the desert to get a level playing field. As we can see from Mars, the Nevada desert has steadily grown and is already occupying a good deal of Southern California. The President and his party are guilty of climate change.
Kathryn: That sounds clear enough, but what does that to the report? Bob Demmofool, I’m sure you have an opinion?
Bob: Through all the years we have known that the CIA was a subversive agency. The “Ugly American” was born in that joint. The report only confirms what we already knew.
Kathryn: But don’t you feel happy that they caught Osama, and that the other terrorists are behind bars?
Bob: They could’ve found them with electronics, or send a drone in to finish them off.
Fred Miserable: What electronics? How would you find them, with your I-phone? Democrat liberals are also complaining about NASA’s phone-tapping. What do you guys really want? Friendship with your enemy and drinking sweet tea? Isn’t that what cowards do because they are afraid to fight for their existence?
Bob: America is supposed to be a good country, an exceptional country, and we are not supposed to respond with evil but with the dove of peace. Your senator McCain said the same thing and he’s from the Old Hanoi Hotel in Vietnam where he suffered from the cruelty that we’re not supposed to commit. Feinstein was right to bring that into the open.
Charles Hammerschmidt: This Administration pretends that America is NOT exceptional, so how do you want it to be exceptional by bowing to its enemies? Isn’t that the pinnacle of hypocrisy? It’s the same thing as with that CIA Report, criminal self-in-the-foot shooters.
Mars Man: Here on Mars we don’t like traitors, even if they think they are doing good. Your liberals are misguided, to use an euphemism. The enemies of Europe and America don’t know what a dove of peace looks like. They laugh at you. Before you know it, you’ll wear a scarf around your head and bow five times to Mecca in one day, and have to do hard labor on a date farm.
Bob: But I could finally have more than one wife!
Paul Turnmeon: That’s where I see a possible Democrat and Republican compromise!
Kathryn: Don’t hold your breath. You’d have additional mothers-in-law, too. Could we get back to the other subject of today, that is the colossal arrogance of that professor Gruber on Obamacare? The American electorate is stupid, so just pretend you are doing it right while you are doing it wrong, in the name of non-transparency of the all-time transparent Administration. That was the apparent mantra. Any views on this?
Bob: If I may, Kathryn, it’s incorrect to interpret this as the policy behind Obamacare. The professor was only blabbing his mouth but nobody in the Democratic Party or the White House paid any attention to this, as Madame Pelosi and the President confirmed.
Fred: Come on Bob, use your senses. You really believe these people? We have to vote for it so that we know what’s in it? 2,700 pages of gobbledygook? Who can read that, let alone understand it? You can keep your doctor, your plan, and pay two thousand five hundred dollars less premium, and none of that proved true? What Gruber said is that they shouldn’t be transparent because if they were that bill would never pass. The stupid voter wouldn’t understand they were being had. Why do you guys think you lost the elections?
Bob: 47 million uninsured people will have access to health insurance. Beat that!
Charles: You must have lost your wisdom tooth, Bob. So far they haven’t insured even 7 million people what the President said they had achieved, and that figure was bloated when they had to admit that it included 400,000 dental plans. And no good analyst has ever been able to figure how they arrived at 47 million uninsured. That was based on soap bubbles, too. This Administration was built on lies from the election campaign on, and it has never stopped lying. And then they claim that the President was misinformed. That Gruber professor visited the White House more than twenty times and met with the President in the same room. Maybe he wasn’t listening like he said he did when he sat in the amen corner praying with Reverend Jeremiah Wright?
Paul Turnmeon: And if you say anything about that you’re a racist!
Kathryn: As our viewers on Mars may notice, there isn’t much that we can agree on in America.
Shamus: But your Supreme Court said the law was constitutional. Why can’t Americans just leave it alone?
Huda: Telling nuns that they must pay for contraceptives cannot be constitutional, not even on Mars. Especially as nuns don’t do it.
Elmer: As I see it, that Justice Roberts was right in calling it a tax, but I heard that professor Gruber didn’t want to call it a tax because then it wouldn’t pass. He called it a penalty. So, if that Justice Roberts knew it was a scheme, why did he call it constitutional? Lying in America cannot be constitutional, can it?
Fred: Right on, Elmer, if it quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it is a duck.
Mars Man: Maybe you should give Obamacare a different name? Wackocare might do?
Kathryn: We’ll submit that to the White House. All right, dear viewers, I don’t think we got anywhere, and we will surely come back to these issues in our next sessions. Have a good one!
Mother Earth’s Weekly Squirms show is on. Kathryn welcomes the viewers and her panel with her engaging smile.
“Good evening or whatever time you are on. You may remember our June 12, 2011 show when we dealt with Planet Earth’s sex craze because certain politicians had shown themselves on social media, “selfies” as they call them. Well, many viewers asked me recently if we would devote a show to our panel’s love life. Naturally, I was a little hesitant, but my producer and I thought that “missed chances in love” might be a suitable subject for discussion. Let me start with Mars Man first. Anything you missed out on?
Mars Man: Dear Kathryn, as you will understand, it is a bit embarrassing to open up on this matter on Mother Earth, as you are my dear spouse here. But all right, to satisfy the viewers’ curiosity, I pointed out at the time that we have different bodies on Mars. They can be most appropriately compared to those Vesicare Leaky Pipe people you see on TV with respect to bladder issues. On Mars, we communicate differently between the sexes than you do here. We do so with electrodes. If the electrode comes back positive, you have a mate. If not, you get a shockwave so that you won’t try again. Now to your question, what happens if you get a positive and something goes wrong? My most disappointing moment was when as a young lad my electrodes accidentally shot up too high and my love melted. I had to take her in a bucket to the hospital to get her rewired. Of course, after that, she never took me on again.
Kathryn: I’m sure you were very careful the next time your tried. Bob Demmofool, you want to volunteer?
Bob: Oh my, so many sad stories! I don’t know where to begin. I will not talk about those times I went into the act and halfway heard she was Republican. Nothing more than that gives me instant ED. Once I fell in love with a girl in high school and on a hot day we went swimming in the river, and standing half under water, well, you know, we got a little bit too close because nobody could see what we were doing. Our passion overwhelmed us and we lay down on the river bank. There was nobody around, just the blue sky and meadows. Just when we were starting to make love, we heard this snorting sound and felt a huge nose sniffing at our heads and breathing down our necks, and it was a cow looking down at us. She shrieked, flew up and ran away, scared, and I had to take her home. It never happened.
Kathryn: Too bad. Paul? I’m sure you got a few…
Paul Turnmeon: I had this lovely girl in the neighborhood. I’d always wanted her and she wanted me too, she said. So, one warm summer evening we went in my car to the nearby hills to admire this beautiful panorama with the town below. I parked the car and put it on the brake and we lay down on the backseat and started kissing. I don’t know what happened, maybe the car shook a little, but suddenly the back slid down the hill into a ditch with a hard thud. She screamed and cried when I fell on her, not in the natural way of course, and said she’d hurt her back. It proved very hard to get out of the car and we had to walk three miles to get help. She never wanted to drive with me again. I guess it’s Fred’s turn now.
Kathryn: Okay, Fred, let’s hear it.
Fred Miserable: Contrary to Bob, I liked democratic girls, actually, they’re so liberal. Anyway, my most frustrating case ever happened after an office party when a sexy staff assistant finally agreed to come with me and we started kissing in the hall, and she said, high pitched, “Oh, Fred, if I don’t stop now, I won’t stop ever,” and she ran away to a dark area in the building. I stood there, perplexed, and went looking for her but she was nowhere to be found. Deeply disappointed I went home alone. I thought she’d fled to her husband. Then the next day she came to see me in the office and said: “Well, you really left me in shambles last night. Why didn’t you come after me?” And we never got together again.
Kathryn: How sad! Huda, would you dare to tell us your story?”
Huda Seksibombah: Well, I’m not in the category of Mars Man’s melting pot. But yes, love on Mars can be very disconcerting. I had this boy who sent me a signal for a positive beam, and I liked him, so I sent him a positive. We don’t make love the way you do on Earth. We get high when our electrodes meet and warm up until they begin to sparkle and the sparkling ends with an explosive plouffff! At night you can see many windows lighting up with plouffs. The art is to keep the plouff going as long as you can. So my electrodes were warming up and I was yearning to get my plouff and then his electrodes corroded because he had forgotten to load them up. Was I mad. He never got a positive again.
Kathryn: most interesting love life on Mars. Charles, what about you? You haven’t been on the show for a while.
Charles Hammerschmidt: Away on assignment, Kathryn. The Grammies and other serious business. I remember at high school that a girlfriend and I had decided to lose our virginity. There was a game going on that if you did it within one week, you had to come forward with the girl you had lost it with to prove it, and if you didn’t, you had to pay for a round of beer. We sneaked to a motel after dinner but when we were in bed at the point of losing it, my stomach got upset from what I ate and I had to fly to the window and hang out for fifteen minutes throwing up. We lost the game and she never went for dinner with me again.
Kathryn: Oh, good heavens. What a downer!
Mars Man: May we hear one of yours, Kathryn?
Kathryn: Time is up, dear viewers, till next time!